Its more him being reduced to ashes that i am struggling with, and him being in a container anywhere i cant come to terms with. I have memorial jewellery with my -in-laws ashes, and will have one for Bill. But i didn’t deal with that, my sister in law did it. And she still has their ashes in a wardrobe. I cant bear the thought of having the ashes with me …
Bill wanted pure cremation, but i arranged a cremation only with my funeral director. The problem i have is I haven’t been able to say goodbye. l havent had the closure a funeral gives you. And closure to me means that your loved one has been given into the care of a grave, being looked after as a whole, somewhere that you can focus your love and memories. I cant bear the thought of that focus being a container in my home.
Maltom personally I hate the thought of someone put in a wooden box and buried under a load of earth. I would be happy though for my sons to do that after I die if it makes it better for them. I wonder if its the fact that you have lost the person you love rather then there is not a body to visit. I have my husbands ashes in the house, it means nothing to me. He is in my heart and I feel his love just as much now as ever. I will be scattering his ashes later this year with my family. I will be able to think of him there, I do not need to visit the place, but it is a place we loved so I may visit again sometime in the future. You are not throwing him away, you are saying goodbye, and maybe that is the part you are struggling with.
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I think you are right. We had a wake but i do feel as if i havent said goodbye.
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Hi there, i understand how you feel, my daughter was cremated after the church service ( was told it would be within 24 hours) wasn’t able to go to this, which did upset me, coffin was beautiful lined with silk, cream, i did go to chapel of rest, she looked so peaceful, sleeping, i collected the ashes with my sister, we scattered some in the church memorial garden, i take some to the sea on anniversaries and let them go, i live by the coast Hastings, and write her name in the sand, it really does help, you can have the ashes made into jewellery, so they are always with you. Xx
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I’ve gave my wifes ashes a place in an alcove to the way she would like.
Gives me somewhere to go and talk even although i talk to her all around the house.
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Same here, xx
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I am so sorry for your loss, it’s incredibly painful and exhausting. Sending love and strength at this very difficult time 
He was your husband, you loved him for better of for worse, in sickness and in health, this is ultimately your decision, but I wouldn’t let these feelings bombard you at this early stage. I was in a terrible place when my husband first died, we didn’t really speak about plans for either of us if we were to pass on from this life other than we both wished to be cremated as I was 48 and him 54. My husband went to work and he never came home.
Moving on to the day I was informed that my husband was ready to be collected. I couldn’t do it, I was a mess, I asked if my brother would do this for me as I was in no fit state and I’m glad that I didn’t as he was in a sealed bag and box.
Before the funeral there had been talk of a burial after cremation with his mum in the cemetery so his family could visit. I wasn’t good with this, I wanted him home, so that’s what I did. I hated the decorative urn he was placed to rest in, I hated to look at his name on it, I didn’t want it in my eye sight, it was too painful. Still, almost 12 months on, I’m not a fan and it still causes me pain but I’m more comfortable with my decision. That’s not to say that I will still feel the same tomorrow or next week, just take your time, greiving is exhausting and there is no rush.
Love and hugs xx
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This is beautiful. X
Thank you for your message. I thought i was stronger than i was when he died on 1st June last year, but i went to the funersl directors this morning to take the urns and could bearly speak. I’m collecting him on Friday but now I know that might not happen. I cant imagine carrying him to my car and driving him home. I’m hurting more now than when i left him at the hospital after he died.
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I also thought I’d be stronger now than when my husband first died but I’m not, I’ve grown around the pain if that makes any sense. My husband was killed at work 29th February 2024. The year has been a blur, albeit a painful blur, however, now the realisation that he is never coming back is starting to hit the pain is very different. Every first since that traumatic day is a big deal, it’s the unknown and your head will be all over the place. Can you ask someone you trust to bring him home? All of it hurts, but this may ease your anxiety and stress a little x
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Maltom - as it’s a river, I guess, try to think of him being all over the world in time, what a journey he’ll have! We put my dad’s in the Norfolk Broads, as he was an artist, came from there and often painted those landscapes, and some of my mum’s are on the Yorkshire Moors, and some in a forest in Australia.
Much love. Nigel xxx
whether its a burial or cremation, that part of the person has gone.
what makes the person is their memories, the things you did together, how they made you feel, the reasons why you were together. they are what you should treasure and remember.
my hubby is not on the shelf in a box, his ashes dont mean anything, what matters is he is in our hearts and memory and always will be.
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I understand your pain. At first I didn’t know what to do with my husband’s ashes.I just could imagine him in box or an urn. Eventually I found the Tolad (totem of life and death) which is a walking pole where you can release the ashes as you walk. It’s perfect for my husband but I haven’t been able to let him go yet. I know it may feel weird but it’s not difficult to collect the ashes as people don’t really see you doing it and at home I have tucked the pole in the corner amongst our musical instruments. Visitors don’t really notice but it means I can still say good night to him and I know he would be happy for us to be together like this for as long as I need it. You have the pressure of others making demands which may be why you are troubled by all this. You need to feel the choice you make is right as this prevents us from feeling guilty later. Good luck.x
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Maltom, I know how you feel. My partner died in June 2023. His wishes were that he was to be buried in our local Old Chapel and that is where he is. I would much rather that he had been cremated and I hate visiting a grave to think of him in it. I could have coped with a cremation better but they were his wishes. I think that you ought to go along with what he would have wanted. I am beginning to cope more now with the situation than I did when he was first buried and I think that you will too. Their spirits are in the same loving place wherever their body is.
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Burying the ashes will be very hard to think your loved one of 12 years is now in an urn , I know it sounds harsh but true .
I also have the added worry of my father’s ashes that still incredibly have not been buried after his death in 2021, his ashes are in my box room ! This is due to my sister arguing with me about my late father’s estate. Due to all this delay my late wife would have attended but obviously it’s too late now , I’m still angry with my sister and I truly believe the only compassion she showed my wife was when she died and was not very nice to her when she was alive.
So I have 2 lots of ashes to worry about the two main people in my life dying, I’m surprised I haven’t topped myself .
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Bless you, you need to look after yourself, and be kind to yourself, take each day, and remember them in their own individual way, as upsetting as it is they were part of your life.
xx
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I wonder what your husband would want you to do now if he could see the struggle you are having?
I imagine he loved you very much and although he was an atheist and didn’t want a fuss or a religious ceremony I imagine he would also want you to feel as comfortable as possible in this time of grief. I am an atheist and wouldn’t really want a religious ceremony when I die but I also believe that I won’t be there after my death and it is the people who I care about that have to survive the traumas of bereavement and who have to do what they think is best. I suppose that is a mix of feeling that you have respected and honoured your loved one but also that includes what you feel is right and what brings you comfort and eases the difficult situation. I don’t think he would want to cause you extra upset, do you? I hope you find the right solution for yourself and do not feel guilty. Take care.
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I have to say a huge thank you to everyone who has contributed messages, describing how they have dealt with similar situations.
I have read every one of them and believe me it has helped enormously.
I collected my husbands ashes today. It was tough but i coped better due to all your kindness in caring how i felt.
Currently he is in the dining room on his chair at the head of the table where he will stay until his adult family arrives tomorrow to support me in sending him on to his trip around the world.
Once again a huge thank you to you all. Xxx
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Hi,
Well done he,s home, you have done really well, i think you will feel more settled now, xx i took my Daughters ashes to my sisters on Christmas day, she was so much part of our family, the funeral was two weeks before Christmas 2022, and the church is next to my sisters house. Same road as her primary school also. Xx it comfots me so much, thats what we did. Xx
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