My family in the main were C of E and regular church goers. I went to sunday school was confirmed and a girl guide. I attended church regularly. All my paternal family are buried in the cemetery attached to what we consider to be our family church. My husband declared himself an atheist, but agreed to a church wedding. He always said he wanted to be cremated and did not agree to burial. In recent years he also said he want pure cremation and no funeral.
When he died suddenly on 1st June last year I was determined to carry out his wishes. But now Iām struggling. We had a wake, which happened before his unattended cremation and his ashes are currently with the funeral directors. As a family we have agreed to take his ashes to a river where he went fishing and disperse them into the water. Iām sure he would be ok with that ----- but Iām not. I canāt come to terms with the fact that i am going to go to the funeral directors and come away with my husband in a box or a bag, carrying him to my car and bringing him home. To then throw him in a river almost like throwing him away. There will be no monument, no plaque, nowhere I can go to feel close to him. I donāt even think Iām going to be able to put him in the river. It feels wrong and disrespectful. I am so angry with him for putting me through this. It goes against all my upbringing and my early beliefs. Iām also very uncomfortable with bringing him home in any kind of container. I am absolutely dreading going through with it so much I canāt sleep. How am I going to get through this?
Maltom this is such a difficult situation for you, but you are actually doing the last thing you can do for your husband on this earth, in carrying out his wishes. The ashes are just your husbandās earthly remains but what he was as a person will remain in your heart always and in that way heāll always be with you. Perhaps you could keep some of his ashes back and have them with you at home. There is no rush to do any of this, so just take your time until you are comfortable with the decision you make. Iām sure your family will support you with whatever that is. There is no one that knew your husband better than you. Sending a big hug.
Dear @Maltom
I feel so sad for you reading your post.
It must be so incredibly hard for you.
You have kept your husbandās wishes, just as a loving wife would. But your feelings matter too.
My husband was cremated, which was his wish. I still have his ashes at home.
He never expressed his wishes about what to to do with his ashes. But his favourite place of all was home. So it is the right thing for me. Itās all very personal but itās right for me.
What I have done though is have a tree planted in the memorial gardens of the crematorium where we had his service.
Iām lucky that it is a really beautiful peaceful place.
And there was no expectation to have to have his ashes there.
I love going to visit the tree. And Iāve decorated it, and personalised it. ( As everyone does with their own trees)
Itās been growing just over a year now, so Iāve seen it through all the seasons.
I find it comforting to see it growing and changing with the seasons.
It was just a thought, something for you to think about maybe?
Lots of love, hugs and strength to you
Only time will help our situation. I found my partner of over 50 years passed away on the bedroom floor. It was a great shock as there xx was no warning. It happened 5weeks and is still raw. Paramedics said he didnāt suffer. He never left a Will or any instructions to what kind of funeral he wanted. We had a humerist funeral and my daughters gathered photos and it was good saying goodbye in a way I believe he would have like itās still very difficult managing and I feel i vulnerable and feel I am not coping as well as I might but all I can do is plod on
Maltom this is a very hard problem. Although I have expressed my wishes I have told my sons they must do what brings them the most comfort. I wonāt be here so I wonāt care. How strong were his feelings? Would he want you to be happy? You can have his ashes interred or even use some for a ring or pendant. A memorial bench or tree? I do not need somewhere to visit, heās with me always but we are all different. I plan to take our family to his favourite place, where his father was born, and scatter his ashes there. I will like to think of him there, in such a beautiful place where we have so many memories.
When my Father died, he wanted his ashes scattered over the graves of his crew at Ranville War Cemetery.
Mum put her foot down and said he was going down to Devon where he was born. She said she didnāt spend 60 years caring for him so could disappear off again
My mum died last march and we still havent collected her ashes. She planned a lot of her funeral but didnāt express what she wanted us to do with her ashes - we have no idea what to do. The only place we can think of to scatter them is under her favourite tree in the garden but not sure how i feel about that if we have to sell it. She didnāt believe in visiting graves - i donāt know where her parents were scattered.
wherever you put the ashes does not matter. The place of memorial is in our hearts and that is always with us
Thank you everyone for youÅ input but i still dont know how im going to cope.
I have to go through with the plan for Bills ashes because my conscience wont let me do anything other than carry out his wishes. But my deeper feelings and conscience is struggling. How do I carry a bag with my husbands remains in it? How do I cope with his remains being in the house? How can I deal with the guilt of carrying out his wishes with respect to my upbringing along side knowing its what he wanted. My stomach is doing summersaults.
Maltom
There are some beautiful urns these days. You can have them engraved with your choice of words.
I have my wifeās ashes in one that was picked by our daughter and its marble.
Itās a way of holding on to them till you feel
the time is right for you. Their with you always till then. Always there for a chat as well.
Take care 
Iām so sorry for your loss @Maltom , I can understand the turmoil you are going through.
Iām a Christian, we both decided to be cremated when our time came. My husband has been gone four years now, I personally loved having his ashes at home. I often talked to him and it gave me comfort. When as a family we decided to scatter his ashes, I choose the sea at Looe in Cornwall our favourite holiday destination and its where I will go too. As we live in the East Midlands miles away, I decided to buy a memorial bench with his name on via our local council. Its in the park where my husband loved watching our son play football. So now they family have somewhere close to home where we can all go and remember him and leave flowers.
I hope you find something that brings you peace.
Debbie x
We took my mothers ashes back to Skye where she was born as near as possible to where her house was.My wife stood on one of them sheep landmineās, oh how she laughed (not) 
Give yourself time. There is no timeline for you to complete his wishes.
I was fortunate that i knew my partner, who was an atheist, said that it was up to the one left to do as they needed as, he said, if he died it would be was what i needed as i was here and he would be gone.
Picking his ashes up, was the hardest day ever. Having him back home in a scatter tube was unbelievable but also comforting. On the first year mark, i wanted to scatter his ashes, so i did. But i had changed my mind so many times about how i felt, what i wanted.
I swore i would never split his ashes but i did and i was ok with it and i still have some at home. Could you scatter some and intern the rest. Iām sure he would want you to be ok and would hate how hard this is for you and what this is doing to you
No decision needs to be made now, give yourself time.
Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I was beginning to think I was the only one that feels or felt the way I do.
I have made the decision to scatter his ashes on Saturday next week. I feel
I shouldnāt change this because Iām recovering from a total knee replacement surgery that didnt quite go to plan and I had to have a bone graft which has delayed my recovery. I am waiting now for a date for my other knee replacement surgery and dont want to be worrying about my husband not being at rest any longer. Even though I canāt come to terms with what I will be doing I will be looking back rather than dreading the future. I know its what Bill wanted and i have to honour that. I just wish I didnt feel so uncomfortable about it.
Firstly I am so sorry for your loss and the situation you are in. When we lost our 27 year old daughter in 2022, we knew we wanted her back home, but I didnāt want her ashes in an urn type container. We found a company that makes photo frames for you to keep ashes in. We chose 3 photos and a little quote on a plaque, the frame is on the wall. When family and friends come round they know she is there, they look at her, think of her, talk to her and thereās a little table under the frame where we put flowers and nik naks etc, this way we always have an area for birthdays, anniveraries etc. What I like though is that if you donāt know us, like if a workman or engineer has to come round they have no idea the frame is essentially her urn and just think its a box frame with photos. This might be an option for you, if not donāt rush into any decisions or feel pressurised, take your time and do whats right for you when you are ready to do it - sending love xx
What about a Cherry Blossom it would be a beautiful tree to plant and when it flowers
Itā beautiful be like your loved one smiling at you.
Take care hope all goes well for you.
Hi @Maltom
I lost my husband in July after a short illness. Weād only sorted our wills 6 months prior, and in doing so we discussed our wishes regarding cremation etcā¦ little did I know that I would be carrying out those wishes so soon.
In all of the horrible tasks and admin Iāve waded through, collecting my husbandās ashes was one of the hardest things to do.
I wanted to have him at home - it is where feels right for me just now.
However, the act of bringing his ashes home in a small container was just surreal.
I didnāt opt for an alternative urn, instead I just went with what was āstandardā issue.
However, the part I wasnāt prepared for was for the box to be put instead what can only be described as a branded drawstring sports bagā¦ a crude and not very dignified way to carry the box containing my husbandās ashes ā¦ so, the point of this ramble is simply to say - take a decorative box / hamper / loved-one appropriate bag / favourite jumper to wrap or carry whatever container you are given by the funeral director. Make it special - it is significant part of the process we are navigating, so retain an element of control.
x
Thank you, you have actually put into words what was struggling with. I have bought water urns and the funeral directors ard going to transfer the ashes into them for me. But its the carrying them home, and for me actually having them at home is disturbing. It will be over night as the following day my family are coming so we can take him to where he used to go fishing. It just feels like we are throwing him away as if he was just rubbish. It just feels so disrespectful. To me a burial is safe and protected, i know where my parents are but my husbands ashes will be dispersed into water and not āsafeā or āprotectedā so for me he will never be at rest and he deserved better.
halve them, so some can be scattered and you keep the rest. i found pure cremation a god send when hubby died, didnt have to deal with any opf it and his ashes were brought to the house. no reason why it should be disturbing having them at home, most people do, it s away of keeping them close. i also have some put into necklaces.
What about in a ring that would i nice way as well like your holding him,Iāve not done anything with herās got an alcove in the living room where sheās with our westie Millie who we lost in 2017 with kidney failure.