I’ve come here to ask for some advice and honesty.
I lost my mum almost 2 years ago, it’s been tough and left my dad on his own.
I do as much as I can for him , I have a family of my own and work.
He’s very social and likes to get out the house, but finds it hard finding things to do or places to go.
I’m starting to find myself becoming very resentful of how much he actually leans on me for everything, he calls me every day and asks what I’m doing at the weekend, I try to see him but if we’re busy I feel like he makes me feel guilty. The constant phone calls and asking what I’m doing all the time, and then the sad tone in his voice when I’m busy are driving me insane and causing a strain in our relationship
We had him over a lot when it first happened and he stays over sometimes but we have a lot going on, my little boy plays football which he comes to watch but weekends are mostly taken up with that.
I need to know if I’m being unreasonable because I feel so guilty for feeling this way it’s wrecking our relationship and I don’t know how to tell him
Thanks for reading!
Just read your post and thought I would reply as parts of it resonates with me.
I lost my mum just over 2 years ago so like you I am still grieving. I was her main carer and we did absolutely never together so we’re extremely close.
A few months ago my son moved into his own flat approx 70 mikes away so in a way it seemed to me that I was going through another loss. He is 29 so I appreciate I was very lucky to have him home with us for so long.
I can understand your dads position in phoning you . Personally I feel he may be lonely and just loves you and your family so much that he probably just wants to know you are all ok . And is genuinely interested in what you are doing .
I message my son a lot and I sometimes think he thinks I am being nosey but it’s not being nosey. It’s simply being interested in what he is doing. I don’t message him every day but a few times a week. He lives on his own so I appreciate it’s a different situation.
Your point about it affecting your relationship though is serious. Could you visit your dad and explain how you feel? I am sure he will understand and probably will be surprised because he may just not realise what he’s doing. Grief is so hard to get through and a person changes so much and it’s probably something he has got used to doing and doesn’t realise how it’s affecting you.
I totally get where you are coming from though and something like a chat has to happen for you to move forward.
Hope it all works out for you all
Deborah
Thankyou so much for your reply
Yes he is lonely I know he is very lonely
I did try to speak to him about it a little but he didn’t really take it on board
It’s good to hear it from another side that’s why I really needed some advice
I just hate this feeling and need to get past it so we can get back on track
I hope your ok too , it must be hard that your son has moved away xx
You say that he ‘finds it hard finding things to do or places to go.’ Could you ask around in his community to see what’s on offer - walks, social get togethers, crafting… whatever it is that he might enjoy. Where I live, it seems like most social things are geared towards retired people . It might be really good for him to have a few regular things happening each week, which he can rely on, and make new pals. It might take some of his anxiety away.
When my grandad was widowed he moved in with my brother. My dad had the same plan if he was widowed. My mum didn’t have a plan, because we expected my dad to live to 100+. As it is, I’ve stayed with her since we lost Dad 17 months ago. I’m single and would like to find someone who’d be happy for my mum to live with us, eventually. She doesn’t get on as well with my 2 siblings, so living with them isn’t an option. Might things be easier on you if your dad lived with you, so you wouldn’t feel pulled in 2 directions?
I lost my wife 7 weeks ago and guess that I might be of a similar age to your dad. I had loved my wife for over 60 years and we would had been married for 58 years this September.
To me it’s a devastating loss and I would say it’s the same to your dad. Each of us has our ways of grieving. Loneliness is often a big part of that grief.
I try to avoid too much contact with family and friends. I have to make telephone calls to my son as he’s the executor and we still have things to sort out. Family have also been visiting me, mainly on weekends. While this is great, it also causes me long bouts of sobbing. I have always been a bit of a loner in my life, so I guess this is my way of trying to live with grief. I am not saying it’s right, it’s my way.
You dad is going to have his own of way of living without his wife and it’ll take him time to adjust.
All I can suggest is to try your best to support him. I know it’s difficult, but so is learning to live with the loss of your partner.
As I said it’s great to hear different views and that’s why I came on here
I will totally take on board all the comments and hopefully get back to where we were
I’m so sorry for both of your losses
It’s a sad time and it just doesn’t get easier, you just learn how to live with it xx
I know he is very lonely
. It might be really good for him to have a few regular things happening each week, which he can rely on, and make new pals. It might take some of his anxiety away.