This is my first post. I just found out that my father is dying of pancreatic cancer. I have not spoken with him in almost 30 years. He was an abusive alcoholic and I also experienced sexual abuse. I ended my relationship with him after many years of counseling. My favorite person in the whole world is my aunt. She too has not had much communication with my father. She found out yesterday about his condition and contacted me.
My reaction to this news was of complete ambivalence. I grieved for what might have been. I reflected on the very few positive times I had as a child. I realize that my dad didn’t have the ability to love me or my brothers. I know this does not make me an unlovable person. I know there will be ups and downs. I still feel like a cold fish. I have no sorrow for him. I don’t know how to grieve. I’m not sad for him. I’m sad for myself as I didn’t have a normal childhood.
I am looking for a book to read. A self-help book. Any recommendations would be appreciated.