Dealing with grief

I have recently lost my ex husband and my daughters father.
I’m trying to deal with it the best I can and be there for my daughters.
We had separated many years prior but still maintained a relationship over the years.
We had our ups and downs but he had a lot of personal issues which led him to doing things he shouldn’t have been and he was crossing my boundaries even when i asked him to stop. It got too much for me and I decided to distance myself away and then he died of a short illness afterward.
The gut wrenching pain I have is still there, not because I had wanted to get back together but as someone I knew for over half of my life to be suddenly gone and be the ones to tell my kids that has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
However saying this we had the funeral etc but felt the kids didn’t understand my reasoning of being upset.
We had met when I was 18 and stayed together for 5 years and then we were always in each others lives for the kids. Even now my girls are 25 and 21 we still stayed in touch till things got too much.
Now I feel this horrible guilt of not talking to him and not being there for him at the end. We went to visit him before his funeral and it will always stay with me. I do miss him so much and knowing now I will never talk to him again makes me feel so sad
Thanks for reading


Hello - so sorry to hear about your loss. Sounds like neither he nor you could live together and you did what you could to maintain some sort of relationship. None of us know when we will die and you were getting on with your life when he died. None of us are mind readers and you couldn’t know that would happen. You are in no way to blame, and because you are a kind and decent person you are mourning his loss. You had the best relationship you could manage with him. Some people see grief in black and white. Real relationships are often messy and when someone we knew for many years and previously had a relationship dies, it’s a shock and we grieve for them and the relationship that didn’t pan out. You made the brave decision to end the relationship for good reasons I’m sure. Those reasons are still valid but his death reminds you theres no going back. Your relationship was over on one level, but he was still a person you, at one time put your energy and hopes into. You have every right to grieve, everyone has that right and it doesn’t matter if you were together. Like all of us he had his faults. It’s not anybodys fault he died tho. It was his time to die. You are still here and you have a life to live. Your grieving is natural and painful and a reminder of both the good and the bad times. You parted for good reasons. That doesn’t mean you aren’t ‘allowed’ to grieve. Grieving is personal to everyone and there no rules. Whatever the circumstances your feelings count too. You are dealing with the aftermath of his death and struggling yourself. You deserve kindness and support. None of this is down to you or indeed anyone. I send you hugs xxxxx


Hi Nell2 I was just reading your response to Alara and what she is going through after the loss of her ex husband.I just want to say Nell2 your response and wise words were wonderful and am sure Alara felt alot of comfort from them.I know from all our posts what we are all going through and to have people to listen and respond in such a way is so caring and kind Love to you Alara and you Nell xxx


Thank you so much for taking the time to really read and reply to my post.
You seem to understand exactly where i’m coming from.
I just really hope in time I can feel emotionally better.
Christmas is nearly here but most of my family are sick with the flu so we have a busy house hold.
Keeping busy helps but the evenings are often harder when i’m relaxing and my mind wanders and keeps me awake all hours.

1 Like

Hi so sorry for your loss the pain is something else when its someone as close as your ex i would be the same with mine ,we dont talk anymore and have 2 children well teenagers and for them it would be end of the world to loose him ibwould be devastated and given the amount of family n friends that have passed this last yr you would think everyone affected would make the extra wffort to be more civil but nope not him even though i say one day we will not be here so just lete make more effort but he doesnt too selfish but that will mean if anything happens to me he will be the most sorry and his guilt will stay with him forever.i have never done anything to hurt him its always been the other way round but its me that thinks ahead and i do not want him to have regret when its too late but i have done trying,you probably did the same over the yrs and i am a strong believer in what will be will be but if i was you i wouldnt feel bad youbtried all you could so so sorrybfor your loss x