My Mum died 6 months ago and I still haven’t cried. She had a catastrophic brain haemorrhage and there was nothing the doctors could do except keep her comfortable until she passed, three days later. I’m actually very happy with the way Mum died; she had a horror of being weak and helpless, and this way she was fit and active until the aneurysm, and then in no state to suffer. I know the hospital looked after her as well as they could. I think it was a good death.
I loved Mum and I know she loved me, and intellectually I know her death hurt and I miss her, but it all feels … distant. Every so often I feel like I might cry, but then the feeling fades. I don’t feel depressed; I’ve been getting on with my life almost exactly as normal. But everyone says grief is supposed to be a terrible rending thing with floods of tears and it just … isn’t like that for me. I have a nagging feeling I’m somehow ‘doing bereavement wrong’ because I haven’t collapsed at any point.
I’m still a bit annoyed at some friends who kept aggressively pushing me to cry with them, and seemed almost disappointed when I wouldn’t. But as an only child, I had to hold it together to help Dad with the funeral and all the paperwork; I couldn’t fall apart then. Now, I’m worried I’ve missed it somehow, the moment when I could have grieved ‘properly’.
I’d just like some reassurance that I’m not, idk, defective somehow, for not grieving the way TV and films say people should.
Thank you for listening.