My dad dies a month ago in my home country. I wasn’t there with him as I didn’t imagine he was dying. I knew he was in hospital but I didn’t realise how serious it was, he was in ICU but my family kept saying he was stable and would be getting out in a few days. The day before he died my cousin told me he was put on a ventilator. I realised how serious it was and booked my flight for the next day. But I didn’t make it on time and I found out that he died when I landed. I was with my 3 year old daughter.
My parents divorced when I was young and my relationship with my dad though full of love was not daily, we didn’t speak a lot although he would come visit twice a year at least and always brought presents for me my partner and the kids. He also supported us financially (even though we didn’t ask) since I had my son.
He had a stroke 6 months ago, and he couldn’t speak well, just repeating the same words. I was trying to come to terms with that. I visited him when he had the stroke and then again a few months ago but I am ashamed to say I didn’t spend a lot of time with him. I noticed he looked thinner and wasn’t making much progress. My uncle who was caring for him pressured me to take him to the UK and I said we would in a few months, and we had this intention with my partner, we were just figuring out how.
Then after we returned he had a fall, my family didn’t tell me straight away, and then hospital, ICU, out of ICU and the last days where he was back in ICU and getting worse.
I feel like I didn’t act fast enough, and that I should have gone when I heard he was in ICU, but I just clang on to my family telling me he was fine and getting better and my plans to leave in a few weeks as I run a community group as part of my work and didn’t want to leave again, or take my daughter out of nursery etc… so I put my dad after these things, until I realised how serious it was.
I cried the whole night before the flight, I felt like I was in a dream going to the airport, my heart was feeling something was really wrong. I am so sad I didn’t make it on time.
Just saw him dead in the hospital morgue. I am guilt ridden. I am his only child and I know he loved me so much and I loved him too. I feel like I let him down because I was overwhelmed with work and the kids and not sure how to deal with his stroke, and also because I could not communicate with him directly. I feel like it is not only my fault because my family also did not keep me informed of all the medical developments, but I feel I acted irresponsibly.
I just pray that he is at peace, and I am grieving the plans we had to bring him here and for him to stay in the house, and me to take him out with the kids in his wheelchair and look after him. I can’t believe he has gone.
Thank you for your time
