Im seeing my mum tomorrow for the first time since my sister died in march. I live and work 200 miles away and mum is severely disabled and housebound. She couldnt get to my sisters funeral as it was where my sister lived 130 miles away from mum and she cant travel. Plus shes needs too much care for me to be able to give alone as i have mobility problems too, although not as bad. I couldnt get down to see her initially as im a teacher and couldnt take time off work due to exams and deadline. I then got to the point where i wasnt mentally able to keep going and broke down. I was signed off school for the last two weeks and, as my medication was altered, i wasnt allowed to drive.
So i havent seen her since my sister died.
We had a difficult upbringing. Mum caused a lot of problems until she and my dad finally separated. After dad died, i decided i didnt want any regrets when mum died so i wanted to try and build some form of relationship. Ive been working on that for the last 8 years and, while i think she’d like to think im really close to her, its a relationship formed with very specific and firm boundaries in place to allow me to live my life while having the best relationship possible with her.
My sisters experience with mum was different. We both had very difficult relationships with her but, since my sister was 9 years older, it was different. She decided that she would support me with my mums care (im mums next of kin and power of attorney so i deal with everything) but it would be as a support to me and not direct with mum. She decided to minimise her contact with mum. I supported that and understood that. I kept her informed with all the information and, if i couldnt take phonecalls from social workers etc, she would be the second contact.
Since my sister died, my brother in law has not spoken to my mum because he is understandably upset at the issues that happened with her and mum. Although he was really keen to help her feel part of the decisions, it was done through me.
So, with all this, seeing my mum tomorrow for the first time since then is bringing on a lot of anxiety. Shes angry my brother in law wont speak to her even though shes been fully included and he made sure the funeral was recorded for her.
Im anxious that the next 3 days will be full of conversation only about my sister when i feel like that would affect my normal boundaries in the relationship
Ive not even begun to scratch the surface of my emotions about her death and i dont need to have a total break down when im with her.
I do have a hotel room so ill get a break at night but i dont know how ill cope. I dont want to be that emotionally vulnerable in front of her.
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Hello @vivmt,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m just giving your thread a gentle, “bump” for you - hopefully someone will have some thoughts to share.
Take good care,
Alex
Hello. I’m sorry that you have a difficult relationship with your mother. And sorry for the loss if your sister. You probably feel very alone and don’t know where to turn. However you have reached out which is fantastic. And a huge move forward. Good luck with your mother.
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