Hi Helen,
The ideas about the jewellery sound perfect. Lovely ideas.
Wearing jewellery is definitely a huge connection.
I love the story about blue John. You must get something made from it. It would be so special.
Am just wondering about Jules and if she is okish. Has anyone heard from her.
Jules if you are reading this I know you are going through a difficult time with your dad and everything but just remember we are here for you.
We care about you and miss you x
Kate how are you doing after your hols?
Lindz are you in Greece yet?
Gill what’s news with you?
As for me I am plodding on as usual. Listened to one of the songs this morning that we played at mums funeral and omg the guy wrenching crying was back. It was the André Boccelli song called The Greatest Gift. Not sure when I heard it last but I totally underestimated the effect it would have on me after 18 months. I sobbed like I did at the very beginning.
Have you been able to listen to the songs you had? I don’t think I will listen to anymore for a while.
Anyway here we are in July. How did that happen so fast?
It only seems like yesterday we were going through our first July, summer etc and here we are at the seconds now. It’s hard to get my head around what we have been through but thank goodness we all found each other.
If all the sadness we have all been through our friendships have shone through and kept us going . Amazing really!
Love to you all girls
Deborah x
Hi Deborah,
I know what you mean about listening to songs from the funeral. It’s very upsetting, but I do find it a little healing in a weird way as well. Maybe it’s the crying being a release more than anything.
Yes we’re in Greece now. Enjoying the break and the being forced to stop trying to micromanage my dad’s life so he’s not alone often as it’s exhausting.
Take care all
Love Lindz xx
Hi all, I also have a nice photo of my mum that I can look at often, it’s one where she’s really relaxed and in her happy place in the kitchen! I am at my dad’s just now and the absence of mum is huge. This time last year was like going through hell, and it’s still sad, just different this year, like we have come through the other side, but now have to somehow go on living without her. We went to see her gravestone the other day and I’ve made some nice flower arrangements (they’re not real as dad doesn’t go down very often and it’s easier to manage). It’s a lovely stone and it’s much neater now the cemetery have fixed the ground, it was really a mess before. They’ve built it up and added turf and it’s really much better. It was like they hadn’t replaced all the soil so the coffin shape was really obvious and upsetting. They said it was something to do with the dry weather last year in May. So, anyway, I feel better knowing her area there is neat and tidy and looks it’s best, kind of like my mum really! Hoping you are all getting through this summer, doing nice things with family and keeping busy. I think that’s how our mums would have wanted it to be. Gill xxx
I am so sorry we share this similarity - My mum suddenly died last week - she had just recently moved away to live what she believed would be her dream life. After being poorly for the whole time since her move we needed to ask a cousin to check on her last weekend as no one could make contact.
I have since needed to clear her home - discover that what she described as a simple virus that she may be able to shake was clearly an awful struggle at the end of life in a house full of unpacked boxes.
I tried to stop her moving away but still felt nothing but regret - I’ve busied myself through a week off work with arranging her funeral and sorting her affairs. It’s been very surreal and physically I am properly not myself at the moment.
I’m not even sure where I am going with this post and reply but think I needed to start aligning all that has happened with likeminded people who have experienced similar - thank you x
Aww Andrea,
I am so sorry sorry you are going through this.
Welcome to our group and feel free to post whenever you can.
We have all gone through and are still going through it but are a little ahead of you so hopefully we will all be able to support you through the ups and downs.
The main thing is to look after yourselves much as you can. Eat something to keep you going and rest as much as possible.
That way you will be strong enough to face everywhere that has to be done now.
Nothing will make sense and there will be all sorts of emotions to go through so just go with it. It’s normal to feel all the emotions even guilty so just know we have been through them too so it’s not just you.
I know the other girls will pop up soon and reply to you so we will rally round and give you lots of support.
Keep posting on here bec you need all the love and support you can get at the moment.
I am off out for the day but will be back later and I will check on you again
Love Deborah xxx
Hi Andrea, so sorry to hear you have lost your mum as well, it’s such a difficult and life altering loss and we have support for you here. It is so tiring at first having to do all the things that come after someone has died, even now, a year later we are still sorting things out, and I expect this will go on for some years. I remember that years ago, my gran had already started to organise things so there was less for everyone to do, but even then, it was a while before things were all settled. Moving is hard at any time but to do it in later life took real courage! I can understand how worried you must have been about her. I hope you find some comfort in this chat forum. We have all been there in some form or another. Best wishes, Gill xx
Hi Andrea, so very sorry you’ve lost your mum. It’s been 18 months for me and just 6 months since I lost my dad. Both suddenly. I remember the shock when I lost mum. The pain was unreal and I remember saying to my husband, ‘I can’t survive this. I’m not going to cope with this’ the suffering was so great I honestly thought my heart would pack up. But, here I am 18 months on, still breathing! Actually managing to find snippets of joy sometimes. I promise you it does get easier to deal with. Somehow you just adjust. It still doesn’t seem real sometimes and feels like it’s someone else’s life but then I remember, this is my reality and how my life is now.
Take one step at a time. Go with the grief. Set yourself a goal for each day. And like Deborah said, rest. Grief is exhausting. Eat well. Even small amounts but make sure it’s nutritious. The grief will ease in time but comes and goes in waves of severity.
Post in here when you like. We are all in the same boat. Be as honest as open as you like or not if you prefer. We are here for you. We are all united by tragedy. Take care and sending you lots of love Hxxx
Hi Andrea
I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. Like the girls say you must go with the grief and nurture yourself as much as you can in these raw early days.
I’m now 21 months into this journey and although some days are still so very hard, I can now remember the happy times too. It will get easier, but you need to be patient with yourself and go with the feelings.
We are all here for each other for support.
Post as often as you want, sometimes just writing how we feel is the best therapy. I lost my mum suddenly too and the feelings of disbelief, guilt and shock were overwhelming. I found it therapeutic posting here.
You’re not alone.
Sending you lots of love and strength.
Kate xxxx
Hi girls, wanted to ask if you have found the second year harder in some ways? I feel pretty low most days and when am at my mum and dads house, now i feel worse. Like I can’t stop thinking about mum not being here and the gap left in my life is huge. It feels like sometimes I have no will to do anything. I hope my mum comes for me one day and then I believe I will see her again. I hate sunny weather as somehow it throws a light on how this feels. I miss her and worry she gets further away each day. I believe she is more likekly to come to me, and sort of be here in spirit when am happy, but it is so rare I feel that way now. Sorry, low day today. G xx
Hi Gill
Strange you should mention that because I was feeling the same. The second year for many reasons is harder as all the secondary losses come into the picture. In my case the loss of my home, my foundations and traditions. I also feel uneasy with the passing of time and that as the weeks roll on Mum is getting further away, although I know it’s not really true as she’s always with me, but “our time together ” is slipping further away.
Mum was in my dream last night. As always, I can’t remember the details but it was comforting while it lasted.
Summer was always a happy carefree time, but this year the void is more evident. This time last year I was still in shock and about to go back to mum’s to start the mammoth task of clearing the house.
This year I’m really feeling the loss on my bad days.
We must remember that the bad days will still come, but will be less and less as time goes on and that’s fine.
How is everyone doing?
Love to all.
K xxxx
Thanks Kate, this is good to hear, but feel sad that we are all going through this, it is like time goes more slowly at the moment and its hard to find distractions that don’t somehow make me think of her loss. I no longer feel like myself and get frustrated at myself. Honestly my mum was a real motivator and voice of reason in life. I am watching the wimbledon ladies final to try and feel something happier and positive. Anyway, love to all you on here and thanks again Kate, G xx
Oh Helen,
Your words are so lovely to Andrea.
Sums up everything .
It’s hard for anyone to even imagine what a state we were all in 18 months ago.
Post whenever you feel you can Andrea. We are here for you x
Deborah x
So true Kate x
Hi Gill,
Yes I have found the second year worse in lots of ways. Selling mum’s house and all the clearing beforehand and people viewing it was traumatic. No other word to describe it. Clearing mum’s possessions,boxing everything up, taking things to the charity shop, giving away items and bringing her things back to my house has been so painful I can’t even try explaining.
I have personally found it heartbreaking and am going through the after affects of coming to terms with it all. I still feel it’s not real.
I have found it so hard knowing I can never go to my childhood home again. I hate the thought of new people in there.
One of the last things mum said to me was to sell the house so I at least have some satisfaction that she wanted it sold and I have honoured her wishes.
Sharing her possessions and her money between my sister and brother and myself was devastating as I felt I was ending every last strand of mum. Can’t explain it really.
Do even though the first year was the worst year of my life the second year had come pretty close.
I can honestly say though that I am glad it’s all behind me and I don’t have to go through that again because I don’t know how I found the strength to sort it all.
Keep going Gill. Go with the down days and remember they will pass.
Thinking of you all,
Deb x
Thanks Deb, sometimes feel I get worse and the memories of her passing dont ever leave, it was quite traumatic for me and my dad as well. The good days are definitely fewer than the bad days atm. Maybe i will finally settle into a routine where I get some relief from sad thoughts. I wish I had a pet cat or dog to brighten things a little. Hope you had a nice weekend the garden is coming along? Love, G xx
Hi girls, I’ve just been reading your thoughts on the second year. I too feel all those feelings. I find when I stop and am alone the sadness creeps in. I’d say not a day goes by when I don’t have a little weep. Sometimes a proper cry but those are much less frequent now. I think when Gill said about being a different person stuck a chord. How true is that? We are different from who we were before. We will never be the same and I think that is a secondary grief. We grieve for the more carefree person we were before our awful losses. Grief certainly isn’t linear. It kind of changes as time ticks by. At first it’s the shock, then it’s waves of deep sadness and profound loss.
The rest of the world carries on and yet we feel stuck in our darkness. Little rays of light keep coming through and they will get brighter in time. We just have to keep going and taking comfort knowing we aren’t alone in this.
Sending you all lots of love my dear friends Hxxx
Hi Girls
How is everyone doing? Deborah are you feeling better now or are you having tests?
I’m exhausted in the heat here, it’s so debilitating.
We are forced to take 2 weeks of our annual leave in August and for me it was never an issue as we went back to mum’s for some of the lovely cool British summer. This year I just feel so sad and lost and we still haven’t decided where to head to. It’s so strange.
Hope you are all managing ok, I just wanted to check in.
Remember we have to take one day at a time girls.
Lots of love
K xxxx
Hi Kate,
I feel so down at the moment bec I said we the GP lady Mon and I have to have a scan for my neck lump. I know it’s not a big deal but after my cancer scans it’s all got to me and dragged me down.
My blood tests all came back normal so that’s one good thing. It was a complete blood test so Helen you would understand more but apparently I was told more things are checked and all were ok. Struggling to swallow as throat is painful in one side but GP will not give antibiotics or anything so am just taking ibrofen to ease it.
Missing mum terribly lately. More than ever. Just lots of things remind me of her. Everywhere I look and do. I keep visualising her with her hair all done looking really smart in her clothes ready to come out with me for the day. It makes my heart ache so much.
Sometimes I can’t be bothered to even try to be happy and put a brave face on . Poor Paul has to put up with me.
Just wish I could have have had just a year or two more with mum. I know we all feel like that though. I am very grateful for the times we had though and everything we did together. But you always want more dont you ?
I am not sure what’s worse. The summer or the winter without her. Both the same I guess.
I know it’s tough for all of you girls too.We just have to carry on somehow.
I hope everyone is doing as well as can be.
Love to you all
Deb x
Oh Deb, that sounds really uncomfortable, especially if its affecting your swallowing. Do they think it’s enlarged lymph nodes? Or maybe a cyst of some kind? My Dad had a cyst in his throat one year and it was uncomfortable, it was caused by stress and overwork. So sorry you’re still feeling unwell, it makes everything so much harder. you’ve been through a lot this year with the sale of your Mum’s house and everything along with this, maybe it has come about from stress and just doing too much? I find it hard to pace myself, and often feel like am either too busy, or sitting staring at the walls getting upset and missing mum. It’s really hard to find a balance without them for some reason. I feel a lot less sure of what I need for myself and miss her guidance and friendship. Anyway, take care, it’s good to hear your update anyway.
It’s still pretty cold here, although some days are quite warm and muggy, feel like we’ve been waiting for summer to start but it just hasn’t arrived properly. In fact, if it wasn’t warm, looking outside just now at the wind and grey skies, I could believe it was autumn! I need to trim the hedge at the front of my flat, so this might be my task tonight. It has got a bit overgrown… not my favourite task though, so might wait to a day with less wind.
Take care all, we’ll get through this year together.
Gill xx