My Mum passed away very suddenly almost 3 months ago now. We both still lived together, just me and her, with our pet dog.
I’ve been fortunate to have had the support of my Dad, and some truly amazing friends, who’s value I did not respect enough until recently, and they continue to support me to this day. But I feel there is a point where I cannot continue to burden them with my sorrow. They have their own lives to live. But I still feel I need an outlet of sorts to get me through certain days.
New years was so surreal for me. I was surrounded by friends, and good people, and yet, the moment midnight struck, and I saw people phoning their families, internally it broke me. I just sat there, in silence. I refused to break down, but I couldn’t lift myself out of that chair, and embrace others’ joy. I was surrounded by all these amazing people, and I just felt so lonely. Driving home the next day, I emotionally broke down at the first services station I got too.
Moments like these are brutal. Days where that bottomless pit of loss and sadness just overwhelms and paralysis me. The focus and drive I started my day with comes to a crashing halt. Everything seems pointless.
Just one last hug. One final conversation. One last laugh, or smile. That’s all I needed, I tell myself. I feel cheated that she was ripped away so suddenly.
These feelings I know will never go away. But they are becoming kinder and further between. I’m thankful for the love she shined upon me, and for support of those close to me.
I’m not sure what leaving this here will achieve, I just know I needed an outlet somewhere.
Thankyou for reading.