Dealing with the sudden loss of my Mum

My Mum passed away very suddenly almost 3 months ago now. We both still lived together, just me and her, with our pet dog.

I’ve been fortunate to have had the support of my Dad, and some truly amazing friends, who’s value I did not respect enough until recently, and they continue to support me to this day. But I feel there is a point where I cannot continue to burden them with my sorrow. They have their own lives to live. But I still feel I need an outlet of sorts to get me through certain days.

New years was so surreal for me. I was surrounded by friends, and good people, and yet, the moment midnight struck, and I saw people phoning their families, internally it broke me. I just sat there, in silence. I refused to break down, but I couldn’t lift myself out of that chair, and embrace others’ joy. I was surrounded by all these amazing people, and I just felt so lonely. Driving home the next day, I emotionally broke down at the first services station I got too.

Moments like these are brutal. Days where that bottomless pit of loss and sadness just overwhelms and paralysis me. The focus and drive I started my day with comes to a crashing halt. Everything seems pointless.

Just one last hug. One final conversation. One last laugh, or smile. That’s all I needed, I tell myself. I feel cheated that she was ripped away so suddenly.

These feelings I know will never go away. But they are becoming kinder and further between. I’m thankful for the love she shined upon me, and for support of those close to me.

I’m not sure what leaving this here will achieve, I just know I needed an outlet somewhere.

Thankyou for reading.

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Hi @Hallard123,

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum. Thank you so much for sharing this with the community :blue_heart:

I think a lot of our members will identify with what you’re going through right now. I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,
Seaneen

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum suddenly just 9 days ago. I am sick of feeling so sad. I had a terrible nightmare last night. I hate going to bed as the dark makes my sad thoughts more vivid. Then when I wake up the reality hits and my heart is broken all over again. I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that doesn’t go. Mum was so fit and healthy, didn’t smoke or drink. She was so full of life and I saw her every other day. We had a cruise planned together in May. The loss is life changing

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@Hallard123 so sorry for yor loss. I too lost my mum suddenly in October 22. Sudden death is so traumatic.
I can totally empathise with you feeling deprived of not being able to hug her, tell her you loved her and say goodbye.
This is what I’m finding most difficult now. It was so sudden and I can’t believe that everything just changed in the blink of an eye. She was here with me and then suddenly the next morning she was gone. My only solace is that I’m hoping she didn’t suffer.
Sending love and strength.

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@Helen51 so sorry for your loss. What you describe is normal as its very early days and sudden death is always traumatic. I’m 3 months in to my grief journey and I still take melatonin most nights to help me sleep.
You have to take each day at a time, look after yourself and be kind to yourself. I was totally and utterly exhausted for the first 10 days.
Just do what needs to be done to get you through each day at this stage. This forum is definitely of comfort at a very lonely time as we are all in the same boat. Post every time you feel the need. Sending love and strength.

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Hello Kate111, I am so sorry for your loss. - My brother died of a sudden heart attack in February 2022 and I have taken melatonin since then. I normally do not like taking anything but we all need our sleep. Well, we all know that, but we often forget that lack of sleep has a detrimental effect on our health. - There is one little problem with melatonin, it gets destroyed by our brain when we see blue light. So, no TV after taking the melatonin. - I hope well all get better soon. - Nick

Hi Nick. Thank you for the info, I didn’t know that. I also don’t normally take medication, but the night after mum died I couldn’t sleep a wink. I have no problem dropping off due to exhaustion, but the problem comes if I wake up in the night and then I just can’t sleep.
Sudden death is terrible isn’t it? I don’t know if I will ever get over finding mum who had collapsed. Such a traumatic shock. Hoping too that we will heal soon.

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Hi Kate111, thank you for your reply. You are right, sudden death is horrendous. I find it difficult to describe but it is as if we were cheated (robbed), we could not help them, and we were not even able to say goodbye. - My brother called out for me that day and I just walked into the room when he collapsed. CPR did not work and not even the paramedic managed to get him back. They tried for almost an hour. - It gets me each time I think about it.

Our mother died of cancer in 2006, but it was different. My brother and I had time to prepare, but it was 18 months of torture. After the funeral, we just drove around visiting manor houses, we just could not stay at home. But, everything changed when COVID came.

It just looks like a different world now. Well, for us it is.

I too wake up almost every night at about 3:30 and I too find it hard to fall asleep again. I have to switch on the TV again and set the volume very low, just enough to hear a faint noise. It helps most nights, but not this morning.

I hope you have people to talk to during the day. - I often go to the nearby park and talk to the people who are walking their dogs. - My neighbour persuaded me to join the local bereavement group. We just talk about anything we like. Well, we also have coffee and cake. The first day was a bit strange because I did not know what to do or say and I felt a bit lost. The second time was much better. (It is just a shame that we only meet once a month.) - Perhaps you have something like it near you. - Just an Idea. - I sometimes join someone from the bereavement group and we just walk along the beach and talk. (She lost her husband about 16 months ago.)

(My neighbour is mow trying to persuade me to join the local photography club.) - Nick

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I am okay with getting to sleep as totally exhausted but when I wake up in the early hours I struggle to get back to sleep. My mind is on overdrive. That’s a great idea to join a bereavement group. I do find it comforting to hear other peoples experiences and knowing they survived. I hope you continue to find comfort from these groups. Thankyou for sharing this

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Hi
Listen to the words of Lewis capaldis song called Pointless It sums up how I feel at the moment.Also Enyas song called If I could be where you are This song is so beautiful The last week or so I have turned to music to help me Sorry I know this isn’t for everyone but I am finding it better than talking and seeing people at the mo
Deborah x

That is so hard for you for his loss to be literally overnight. You can take comfort that he didn’t suffer. Being that quick he’d have known nothing about it. It’s just you that is left dealing with the absolute shock of this massive loss. My heart goes out to you. We got 8 days with mum. She was so fit and well. She just had a mild cough which we thought was just the lingering after effects of a cold. She suddenly got breathless, I took her to A&E thinking a 3 day course of IV antibiotics would sort it. They did an X-ray and found malignancy. She was diagnosed with lung cancer then died 8 days later. Just like that, she’s gone. I can’t get my head around a month ago we were having a meal together just normal life and now she’s gone. That’s it. How are you supposed to just carry on?

I feel the same Took my mum to a and e bec she was being sick a lot Told within an hour she was going to die that night as scan showed a closed loop bowel obstruction.She was in hosp 2 weeks and came home for 3 weeks before she passed but I still can’t get my head around it all.Just wish I hadn’t taken her into a and e.Maybe she would still be here
am totally lost without her
Deborah x

Thankyou all for your responses, and for sharing your experiences.

Sleep is the big one for me. Like mentioned above I’ve not had an issue with falling asleep, but once I wake up (normally in the middle of the night) I struggle to get back to sleep. My head’s in overdrive. Not always thinking about her, but… anything really. My mind just won’t settle.

Days just pass by, and seem so mundane lately. It’s so lonely.

I agree Nick, I too feel robbed of being able to have had time with mum to say goodbye and tell all that I would have wanted to tell her. My only hope is that she didn’t suffer as she didn’t even call out to me. When I found her it was too late. I can’t begin to think how traumatic it must have been for you when they were attempting Cpr.
It is just awful. I really can’t get my head around the fact that she was here… then gone and I have to just get on with it.

An anticipared death is also so difficult for another set of reasons, having to see a loved one suffering day by day.
I think bereavement groups are a fantastic idea; unfortunately I don’t live in the Uk and here they don’t have them. I do feel very alone as I see that friends and extended family don’t want to bring up the subject probably for fear of upsetting me, but that’s not what I need now. It’s the most lonely time of my life.

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@seychelles I can see that you had a very bad experience in hospital. I on the other hand am torturing myself by thinking that mum could have been saved if I’d have taken her to hospital. She had been more breathless and was having stomach problems in the days before, but she was adamant she didn’t want to see a doctor. Maybe if I’d have insisted. I just didn’t realise she was as poorly as she was. Your message made me realise that they can’t always save people’s lives in hospital if the patient is very weak and ill. At least mum died at home with us which is what she wanted.
Sending love and strength. Life is so hard without our beloved mums. :broken_heart:

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It’s so strange reading everyone’s comments on here and feeling exactly the same. My mum died suddenly on New Year’s Day. She was in hospital at the time with flu but on New Year’s Eve when I was there the doctor told me she was improving and they were even going to remove her oxygen mask the next morning. Fast forward a few hours and I’m sitting at her beside holding her hand and watching her die. I’m so so broken, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to feel sad but I don’t want to be happy either. How can I be happy in a world without the woman who brought me here. She was my best friend and such an amazing inspiring woman. I thought after the funeral things would get easier but it’s so much worse now. It’s much more real and final.

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Hi Kate.
Thank you for your kind words.I have googled so much today about what my mam had A closed loop in the small intestine is a sort of double kink so the blood couldn’t get through and that’s why her internal tissues in the small intestine died Apparently only an emergency op could have been done and as she was 89 they wouldn’t operate. She probably wouldn’t have survived it as it would have been major surgery to untwist the intestine in two places.I was desperate at the time for them to operate but after reading everything I can possibly find about it I am now thinking ok at least I had 5 extra weeks with her .I could tell her over and over again how much I loved her and thanked her so many times for being a wonderful mam to us and for giving up so much in life for us.I told her I owed her so much and that it was a privilege to look after her. I slept on the chair in the hosp for 17 nights and on the settee at home for a further 21nights so I was there every minute of every day making sure she wasn’t alone and I tended to her 24/7 .If they had operated maybe she wouldn’t have made it and I wouldn’t have had time to tell her all the things I did I will never know
I have been beating myself up about phoning 999 for the ambulance but realise if I hadn’t mam would have suffered more at home as the closed loop meant noth was able to get through so at least in hosp they monitored her heart blood pressure and gave her bags of fluids.Yes I wish I had done a few things different like asking to take her home sooner instead of being stuck in a single bed with a view of a brick wall etc and some staff who really were not very nice at all.The majority of staff were wonderful though but the doctor’s just didn’t want to know and left her to die.Hardly saw any doctor’s as they didn’t come on whilst doing their rounds as I was told there was no point as noth more they could say to my mam except they were keeping her comfortable.
Today has been tough as I am staying at my mam’s house for a few days and I feel so so sad she is not here.i go into her bedroom and talk to her as if she is there and I can actually feel her saying thank you to me for doing everything especially in organising the funeral. It’s as though she is giving me strength to carry on .
Thank goodness for this site.It is my lifeline at the moment.
Keep in touch
Deborah x

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It’s just the shock as well as the loss. It seems unreal that they have actually gone. My mum was a massive part of my life. I saw her all the time, went out with her, went in holidays together. I’m trying not to fight the feelings I have. When I need to cry (nearly all the time at the moment) I just cry. I feel better for a bit after I’ve cried then I feel it building up again. It’s going to take me a long time. Mum told me I have to be happy for her. I said I’d try but not yet. I just need to focus on the devastating loss of her and get through this stage. I lost my faith years ago but I have to believe I will see her again. She said she will come and meet me when it is my turn and I’m trying so hard to believe that. It’s the only thing that gives me any comfort. Take care and know you are not alone. There’s lots of us out there going through this right now xx

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You did the right thing taking your mum to A&E. If you hadn’t she may have died in a lot of pain, having horrible vomiting episodes. Her condition wasn’t curable as the only option was surgery which she wouldn’t have tolerated. You took her in hospital out of love and concern. No question you did the right thing. There was no other option. She clearly needed medical help. Even though she still died, it meant her condition could be well managed and you had time to say what you needed to say. You had the privilege of caring for your precious mum and making her last weeks full of love and care. Sounds like you were a fantastic daughter. We need to keep being the best daughters to make them proud. We need to find a way of building a life around our grief. I don’t want my grief to go away just the pain. I want to learn to live with my grief as it’s love that I have for my mum. We have quite a journey ahead but we will find a way. Take care xx

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Hi Helen
Thank you for your kind words.I appreciate everything you said.I am going so hard to continue making her feel proud of me starting with getting stronger for her funeral.I want to be able to have as much strength as possible to get through everything I have planned for her.
Will keep in touch
Deborahx

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