Dear family, is anybody out there?

Coping with bereavement
#1

I lost my dad around 42 days ago. My dad, despite suffering with long term ill health, died completely unexpectedly and suddenly. My dad came from a large family however you would never think so. At one point he was hospitalised no less than 9 times. Did his family come and see him?. Did they heck! I actually completely lost my rag with these people years ago resulting in some of them still refusing to speak to me. Here is where I’m getting very angry now…

These wonderful people turned up at my dad’s funeral (bearing in mind that they basically couldn’t be bothered with him whilst he was living). They ate the sausage rolls and sandwiches and that’s the last my mum has seen of them despite promises of them coming to visit her etc etc etc. My son was cornered with a member of the family before the funeral to be told that apparently we have 55 members of family supporting us. Well!!! I want to know where the heck are they?. Not one person has picked up a phone apart from an aunt twice who asked my mum days after the funeral of she had packed my dad’s stuff away to charity and then recently asked if my mum was coping. I just find it just disrespectful. I’m not even going to mention the fact that one of my dad’s sister’s pass remarked at the wake about it “being a pity that her poor brother’s body was left on the floor” (paramedics worked CPR on my dad for 2 and a half hours).

Basically, I am beyond sickened; they treated my dad’s funeral like a day out. On the day of the funeral my sister refused to follow my dad’s hearse to the graveside as it was too upsetting for her so she got her husband to drive her. I’m beginning to think my so called family are a bunch of disrespectful morons. This same sister wants us to go away for Christmas and between my mum son and I she is wanting us to stump up £500 for a 3 night stay in a sodden hotel. No way!!! I have absolute loss of respect and quite frankly I am embarrassed and ashamed to be associated with these a***holes.

#2

Oh yes Gayle, I do know. I have not got a big family, but so many came to my wife’s funeral with promises about ‘keeping in touch’. Nearly a year later one has just phoned and left a message asking how I am!! The people who have given more help have been those on this site and neighbours. It just seems ‘out of sight out of mind’. Fortunately I live in a community, and I have had so much help from fellow residents.
Am I disappointed? Not really. No doubt they have their reasons. Would I have been the same? Well, to be honest I may have been. It’s not until it happens you that the full realisation of the pain makes itself felt. Compassion is not something you have to learn. You either feel it or you don’t.
I often say we should not be critical because so many can’t cope with the emotions they feel when talking to a bereaved person. Words don’t come easily, and they may be afraid of upsetting us. I don’t know. Perhaps I need to express that compassion myself and forgive them. I suppose I do really, but it still hurts to be ignored.
Take care

#3

Gayle, your sentiments are mine exactly. I just love what you have said because every word is true and I’m sure there are many of us that can sympathise and have been treated exactly the same.
Everybody that came to my husbands funeral were relatives and friends by invitation only, yet not one has been in touch with me since. I got on alright with them, never a cross word, always sociable meetings in the thirty years we was married. Now I am completely forgotten except for some of my own family but even my son has only visited once since last November and my daughter who lives in Spain rarely contacts me now although she was supportive for the first few weeks. We all used to be so close what has happened!!! Brian’s daughters haven’t made any contact with me since three days after Brian died, and yes it took them three days to call me after being told their father had passed away. Neither of them visited him while he was slowly dying at home. Where the hell was they when he needed them. His grandchildren all four of them didn’t attend his funeral. Yet they took offence that non of them was mentioned at the service. We needed the time to celebrate Brian’s life not talk about them. It was his day not theirs. Brian didn’t wish it anyway and didn’t want to see them in his final days. They hadn’t been in touch for ages, probably a year or so although they live locally. I have tried to make contact with them and offer a hand of friendship but never had a reply back. Oh yes, I did get one call. From the husband of one of his daughters who told me they wanted Brian’s scooter and to get it ready for collection. Cheek. I sold it to someone else. He has four cousins local, not a word from them. I sent his sister all his painting equipment, a whole car load yet not one word of thanks, in fact not one word of anything. His other sister I have never heard from her and other relatives that live a long way off I have spoken to them on the phone and sent them letters but I have never had a reply. We was all so close but it seems I am no longer a member of his family. We live and learn.
Take care xxx

#4

hi Gayle.
very sorry for the loss of your father.hope your getting support from friends.as
some families dont give a toss about their brothers sisters etc etc sounds like you’ve got thats kind of family sadly.luckily my brothers and mum have helped me out were and when they can.as oppose to my partner Jaynes family who apparently have the same or similar attitudes as your fathers family.sadly I wasn’t even offered an ounce of comfort from them ive had nastiness all the way,seems for 28 years me believing they actually might like me ,well their true colours appeared after Jayne passed they dislike me a lot.especially Jaynes younger brother and her mum.saying as hurtful a remark as they could to try make me feel worse than I already do.not that it was possible as I was and am devastated to of lost my lover best friend and soulmate just a real pity they couldn’t at least show a little respect for Jayne.not at the funeral or the write up in the paper did they show any love for Jayne,they are scummy relatives to say the least.again sorry for your loss and hope you get help coping with the loss
kind regards
ian

#5

You know, relatives will never cease to amaze me. How can they be so unkind. what awful experiences.
I must admit that I wasn’t always the most sympathetic person, I never understood this sort of pain, nevertheless I would never have been purposely unkind. It makes us bitter and un-trusting which is sad. However take heart that there are kind people on this forum who have understood, who have given me faith in mankind again.
I remember going to a funeral years ago. I didn’t know the family, I was just supporting a friend at his fathers funeral. The brother and sister of the deceased gave his wife notice to quit her home of 25 years at the funeral. I couldn’t believe their unfeeling behaviour. True they were the legal owners of the house I discovered afterwards but to give her a week to get out was awful. This seems to be family if money is involved.
My husband was brought up by his grandparents, his Nan dying when he was a lad and his granddad died suddenly before he had signed the will leaving the house to my husband, yet the family that were supposedly devoted to my husband and who he adored took the house off him and sold it. It had been his home since birth. This is families where money is concerned.
Take care xx

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