Death comes in threes?

Terminal illness & end of life
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Both my parents had passed away, my Mum got ill with stage 4 cancer in a short space of time, at around the same time that my Dad started having strokes due to an infection. My Mum passed away late August, and I wasn’t able to grieve for her properly as me and my sibling went straight to caretaking duties for my Dad, he passed away in January, only 4 months after my Mum. We were there for both when they took their last breath, which was rather harrowing.

Soon after my Dad passed, my current partner (we’re not married, dating for 2 years) was hospitalised for what we thought was a stroke, but it turned out to be brain cancer. We found out that its terminal and he only has months left.

So not only am I unable to grieve the loss of my Mum, I can’t grieve the loss of my Dad now, as its gone straight into anticipatory grief for my partner.

My own mind is a confused mess now. I ended up numb and shut down from both parents passing, to be able to focus on the practicalities, the death admin, probate, etc. And now straight into the process again of another impending death, this time of a partner (not the first partner I’ve lost to a death either, I had a previous partner who committed suicide)

How do I navigate this all without losing my mind? I feel like the Universe hates me.

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Ps: just to add, I am doing all the self care I can, I go to the gym or pool nearly everyday, I meditate regularly, eating alright albeit my appetite has gone down, and I rarely drink alcohol. The only vice is nicotine/vaping! I have a good network of support from my very small family. My friends, hmm sometimes they can’t read the room.

If I get told one more time to “be gentle on yourself” and take hot baths etc, I will literally lose my s**t lol

I need something more along the lines of practical/psychological advice please

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Hiya,

So sorry you are going through so much right now. Sometimes you do wonder why some of us have so much to deal with and others don’t really suffer at all.

On the practicality side I would say to write a list of what needs doing and tick off when you have done it.

I hope your partner has a will made because things will be more straightforward. Otherwise things can get quite difficult. X

As for psychological side. I can’t help. When my husband was dying and he had counselling they never once offered him advice on how to deal with your head exploding. When I got him to ask for coping mechanisms, she wouldn’t say over the phone. She said when I see you we’ll talk about it. He died before his next appointment. Its put me off getting counselling to be honest. Not sure if it would help me. Rambling now…

Anyway not sure I’ve really helped here but sending you a big hug. Xx

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Thank you :heart: you have been helpful, and getting the acknowledgement means so much.

I don’t think he has a will, I agree it makes things a lot easier. Both my parents had wills, and my Dad was very meticulously organised (thank goodness I’ve inherited that trait!) so it made the probate and admin processes more straightforward.

His adult son has taken over as the main carer for my partner, I feel bad for him as he is now where I was this time last year: navigating the appointments, hospitals, admin, phonecalls, and the shock of the prognosis of a parent. His journey has only just begun.

I can and will help out, but also staying mindful of boundaries (I remember getting immensely angry when other people tried to take over with my Mum’s cancer)

As for myself, its more of a case of making the time he has left memorable for my partner. But it still leaves that awful foreboding, no matter how many lovely days out and beautiful moments we can have together, the cold hard reality is that it will culminate in a funeral.

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Yes caring for our loved ones who are dying is so draining isn’t it. People don’t understand the anticipatory grief. Some days you just think how will we get through. I remember jim telling me that the palliative nurse said to him “ your wife is in turmoil right now “..

I couldn’t believe it, why make him stress over me when god knows what was going through his head.. unbelievable. I do find that a lot of NHS staff have no empathy. Sad state.

Your partner will feel cared for with both of you dealing with the caring, health side and the memories time. Im glad you are able to enjoy these moments.

Take care my friend. Sending you all a big hug. Xxx

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That’s the thing about anticipatory grief, its the mourning process when they are still alive, coupled with that high alert state for when they deteriorate further and further.

Constantly having your phone almost glued to your hand in case you get THAT inevitable call you have been long dreading. Ringtone: highest volume humanly possible.

Then there is that whole managing your emotions when you are WITH them. Both my parents were the headstrong, hardy, and resilient type.

My Mum didn’t like people crying around her, as that would indicate to her that they thought she was dying (she was in denial until two weeks before she went). She wanted positive, sunny, uplifting conversations, “whether I am dying or not”. She didn’t want people wearing black around her either! “Too depressing” (err Mum, black is a slimming colour though, lol)

My Dad was even more upfront. I think he tried to prepare me as best as he could, instill resilience by having very honest “hard facts” conversations. He told me months before he got the diagnosis, “I’m not gaining anything from all the GP appointments you keep taking me to, I’m going to fade away, and there is absolutely nothing you could have done about it, so get prepared”. It’s like he knew he was going.

Fast forward to my partner, he’s come to acceptance mode quite quickly after his prognosis. I asked him very frank and direct questions about dying, and he told me he felt good, a sense of serenity, peace, and acceptance. You can’t debate and argue with that, or try to convince him to fight on. I have to accept where he is, however tough it is.

That palliative nurse, they would have got a slap if they said that to my Mum or Dad or partner. What an awful thing to say, they should know better, seeing as EOL care is their job!

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Come to think of it, just typing aloud here

It just occurred to me, that maybe my partner is feeling relief. That finally a doctor has verified and confirmed what he knew deep down all along.

He also has COPD and was even given a 5 year prognosis (that was 20 years ago!), but he would always maintain that it wasn’t his lungs that the doctors need to investigate, its his head, as he always felt something was not right.

He’s now finally got the thing he most wished for. A thorough investigation of his head, and the validation that goes with it, even though it includes a prognosis. Certainty and confirmation that he was right the whole time. That’s what has given him peace, finally.

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You have been through a lot. How are you still standing ? I used to have a drink to calm my nerves. My body and mind were in total shock. My husband was in denial and we just used to cry constantly. We tried not to in front of our children. Nurses and Drs used to be quite blunt with us. We begged for chemo to give him a chance of living a little longer.

The palliative nurses have a childlike voice here. They all sound the same. They would come in and be all jolly as if “ you might die tomorrow but nevermind we’ll have a party today”.

It was the look on people’s faces when they saw my husband (he aged 30yrs in 6 months).

Sending you a big hug and strength to you all. Xxx It is an awful place to be in xx

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