A well-meaning person said to me of my deceased loved one regarding an estate matter: “They don’t care.” As in what I did with their properties. I know what he meant but regardless, knowing my deceased as I do, they cared tremendously and though they are gone, I cannot at all insert a new uncaring behavior into once was. Death means non-existence so not existing, one cannot care as one is not there to care. But my mind will never accept this and I will forever be happily locked into my relationship with them as it was, not as it is now. I will never adjust to a wholly different “death” relationship.
I am not even sure if this is even possible for most of us, as if dispensing with what we had. “Oh, they won’t care.” I cannot get mind around it.
Thats so sad. I have been desperate to carry out my dear friends wishes and peoplereally dont understand. But to me its hugely important. Not least because i know she would have done the same for me.
That doesn’t sound right. Maybe they don’t care now, but we don’t know that for certain either as no one knows what happens afterwards, but they would have cared. And it feels important to honor that.
I felt compelled to carry out my mum’s wishes, I wouldn’t been able to live with myself if I hadn’t. The thought never crossed my mind, what mum wanted she got. It’s a very hard position to be in and it strange but you don’t want to upset them. We don’t know what happens after death, so we shouldn’t assume anything and that goes for everyone.
thanks for the replies for everyday I live with them, the deceased and I do not see a day when our living relationship will be changed by death. and if I am unable, I will continue to live as if they continue to live. you have to be pretty tough to think otherwise. I have always been deeply sentimental and the older I get, I do not see that changing. if anything, I become more so.
My idiot sister kicked up a fuss about my dad’s wishes for his funeral. She said “I’m sorry…” (picture someone from some backstreet soap opera) “… but it’s not about what they want, it’s what we want.”
How I didn’t strangle her, right then and there, I’ll never know. (This was one of many many disrespectful things she’s said and done.)
Like you, I took great pride in getting everything exactly as my dad would have wanted it, both with his estate and with his funeral.
My dad does exist, albeit in a different form, and I will continue to do the right thing by him, which unfortunately involves keeping the peace with my sister for the sake of my mum.
Like you I have also had to work with my sister through things. I got on with her, but we not close, not really. A lot of things have come out since. Sister holds a grudge to my mum to this day. There’s a 20 year gap between us and had different dads. I’m the youngest, but sister told me all mum spoke about was me. Obviously I can’t change that or turn back time. Mum wanted to be buried with her mum, but there wasn’t any room, buriel site is maxed out. But she wanted to be buried in that cementary. So I bought her a fresh plot out of her savings, mum is alone. But she buried what she wanted and mum is in the same cementary as her mum. I had to find a chapel with webcast as mum has a sister in Australia. So service was webcast for family in Australia to watch, I was asked if mum had a Faveriout musical by vicer, she did like Les Miserables, so I Dream a Dream was played at the service. Was very fitting as mum didn’t have a lot of luck with the opposite sex, but like me.
That is so sad is there a place you can put a plant in a container of some kind? Maybe paint what you want on it? Just a thought. I hope you can sort something out x
I cant see why not. You might have to laminate it before its framed so it doesnt get damp. Do other graves have such trubutes on? People usually leave bits and peaces that are special to the person local to me
It’s great that you are being civil and controlled with your sister for your mum’s sake. Admirable.I hope one day just to see my nephews and their families a few times a year and will have a small amount of contact with sisters so my nephews aren’t upset as they don’t seem to know how bad relations are now.
You’re doing it for your mum. I will for my nephews.
Keep it to a minimum and then go be with people who are more like you than your sister.
Good luck x
Yep sister has a grudge against mum and seems very cold towards mum. A lots come up leading up to the funeral and afterwards. But I’ve had to work with her over the traumatic events.
Even though I more or less carried out all funeral arrangements on my own.
It’s awful to have to encounter issues like this when you’ve just lost your Dad. It must have hurt you on his behalf that she wasn’t respectful. That’s whatcreallybhurtvnecanout them being willing to ignore his wishes. It really shook me up .I’m glad you made the funeral as much like your Dad would have wanted as possible.
I was on a mission before Dad’s , trying to think of what he’d want, it mattered so much.And Dad would not have wanted me to walk behind him as I did on his funeral day.I knew the numbers were odd as I’m not with anyone. I knew there was a risk I’d walk alone into and out of the church behind Dad and didn’t want to do that alone. So I asked one sister if a friend could accompany me.One sister said the three of us would walk together. The other said that we’d walk together in a group not in twos a kind of huddle? I knew the aisle is narrow but left it at that.
On the day I was nearest Dad. The pall bearers began to move.I walked into the church alone.as they were moving so I followed.I was in a daze, didn’t really know on own until a cousin stepped out and held my arm and walked the last part of the aisle with me til reached front pew. Same on way out, on own, finally my nephew’s partner who’s really kind, seemed to run and catch up with me(my nephews were carrying their Grandpa). Same walking into the cremation chapel but at least no audience then. Relatives and friends have asked why, that they would have walked with me- I think telling me I wasn’t allowed to have a friend or cousin as wouldn’t be needed, and then doing as they did on the day, is one the most unkind things they’ve done. I’ve told one of them that I won’t ask permission again if Mum predeceases me, that I’ll chose a cousin or a friend.
So I can quite imagine what you’ve been dealing with, you did well to plan it on your own and to put up with how she has been.I’d ask her not to involve you in her issues with your Mum.You can’t be doing with that when you have just lost your Dad. However she feels about your Mum, she should leave her be.
I hope your sister will calm down now and leave you and your Mum to grieve. That is more than enough to contend with. It’s something you can never prepare for or understand until you go through it your self.
for the sake of my mum.