Uh hi again… I feel weird every time i’m writing on here.
I just wanted to get some things off my chest, my head has been all over the place these last few months.
I was writing my dad a poem like i usually do, so I can read them at his grave it got heavy and i just wanted to share my thoughts here.
Today it’s been exactly 4 months since my father has passed away.
You know what’s extremely weird to me, death and time.
It’s been 4 months already, time moves so fast i can’t put my head around it.
When did all these months go by?
I still haven’t really accepted his death.
I don’t want to. The thought of it makes me crazy and i don’t know if that’s healthy.
I try to fill my day to the max, so i won’t have the time to think about it.
My dad’s the first thought i have when i wake up and the last thought i have when i close my eyes at night.
But sometimes during the day there is just so much going on that i try to ignore these thoughts, at times i simply just forget.
I try to live my life the way i usually would. Then I feel guilty. I feel guilty for every time i laugh, for every moment i don’t feel miserable.
In return i get angry at myself. Why am i even smiling?
I just lost my dad how could I ever smile? I know deep down that this is the wrong mindset, i just can’t help it though.
I miss him so much and i just don’t know how it will get better. What even is death?
His death still seems unreal to me, sometimes i weirdly think he’s alive just somewhere else.
My heads been filled with questions i don’t know the answers to.
Why is he gone? Why am I here?
This night, I think, is the first time i got angry at life.
I hate when people pity us. I hate when they look at us with those eyes. Family members, relatives, friends.
I hate when people ask about my dad, they obviously have no idea and ask with no bad intentions, I just don’t know what to say.
I fear that once people know that i have no dad, that’s all they see about me.
I’m not worried what people think about me at all, i just don’t want anyone’s pity.
Especially when it comes to my brother and my mom. I don’t want them to feel small in this world.
I’m worried about them the most. They are all i have left and i’m fkn scared.
I guess I’m scared of death.
I don’t feel safe or comfortable when i’m not around them, i’m afraid that anything could happen the second i’m not there with them. I feel like i’m paranoid.
And tonight I questioned things i usually wouldn’t have.
Why him? why did it have to be my dad? why did he have to go so soon? why would that happen to us???
These are the questions everyone asks.
No one knows. That’s just the way death is.
All i can say is that i’ve grown immensely the past few months.
This was just the way i was meant to live. I guess this is my fate.
Thanks for reading…
Hi Alpella,
Your post resonated with me.
It’s been nearly seven months since I lost my father and I still feel completely lost. The questions you ask about why this happened are the ones that I continue to ask myself on a daily basis.
Losing my Dad has changed everything I thought I knew about myself and about life. Despite having my mum and brother, I feel very much on my own and the grief is a very lonely road.
I have no idea how I have existed for nearly seven months without my Dad. It feels like years since he was last here and this terrifies me as I feel like time is moving me away from him. My thoughts are with dad everyday and as a result I feel permenantly pre-occupied. There are life’s distractions and I can function and even be productive but the heaviness and confusion remains.
When I wake up in a morning Dad is the first person I think of and in the evening before bed I often listen to a recording of his voice and then feel the sinking feeling of dread that I’ll never have any new conversations with him. Tonight I just desperately wanted to talk to him. I miss the laughter and the banter that we had.
I think it’s ok to smile and to feel joy amongst the sadness. Whatever you feel is ok and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
When I feel moments of joy, I feel relief as I know my Dad would love this for me.
Lately, along with the sadness I also feel numb and like dad is just somewhere else. How can he be gone? It’s disorientating on so many different levels.
Losing someone so important forces change whether we like it or not. It’s scary facing the future when you know pain like this exists.
I don’t have any answers.
Take care.
I am on here six years after losing parents. it is a very slow adaptation if ever.
life rolls along … but today after having had Covid, I am missing my parents more than ever.
hey @Katherine86
thank you for your reply…
everything you say is just so deeply relatable, i felt every word you wrote as if i’d written it myself.
I sincerely appreciate your reply, it makes me feel at ease knowing there are people, just like yourself, who are feeling the same confusing feelings as me.
Not having the answers might be the reason why people keep going…
I’m sorry for your loss
Take care
losing both parents must be extremely difficult…
I’m sorry for your loss.
It seems to me the more time passes, the pain worsens.
I’m sure you miss them especially at times like these, when you have difficulties regarding your health.
I wish you a steady recovery, get well soon.
It is very very weird. My dad has always been our family’s strong, unwavering and constant support. He’s been the one with all the answers. The one with endless energy to fix our and everyone else’s problems.
My friend was telling me about a Welsh boxer who has lost his parents (his dad was his coach) and to this he said “I am my parents.” I feel that way, too. The bond we have with our parents is stronger than life and death. The relationship still exists, just in a different form.
Oh, you know what, having said the above, I now feel really sad and pained 
.
To be honest, I think I’m still a bit in denial, after 2.5 months. I just love my dad so much. Fortunately he definitely knew it in his lifetime 
. That I’m certain of .
I know how the boxer feels. I was a loved only child. they are gone seven years but everyday, they are with me. and I am them, too. if you have such a bond with a mother and father, you have been very blessed.
p.s. people who haven’t had this, don’t get it. and I don’t bother to explain.
I think the pain that worsens comes from this new life without them that is a hard new life without their presence and love.
I know what you mean. That bond that we have carries and supports me. And now I try to do a little of what my dad was doing, and I try to make him proud every day by looking after his and our loved ones.