Death of a parent

I lost my mum 8 weeks ago and I think I’m feeling worse now…I can’t seem to move forward as the pain of missing her is overwhelming me

it wont be easy .

Hi Collywobbles,

Welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and that you feel the pain is getting worse. This feeling is quite common, perhaps because it takes some time for the initial shock to wear off.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and started posting, as it can be really helpful to chat to others who understand.

Do you have any other forms of support - either from friends or family or professional support?

Hi Collywobbles (love the name!)

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my little old mum on Nov the 6th. I was her full time carer, less than 4 weeks ago. I am also finding things very difficult, breaking down all the time and doing my best to avoid the places we used to go to; sounds pathetic but I am also avoiding the same foods she liked and watching the programmes we liked together.

My mum was bed bound after a stroke and had COPD which caused numerous chest infections. I was looking after her for a number of years…I focused so much on her that my social life, employability and my health has gone to pot. Being a carer only a few weeks ago I was fighting for an additional days sitting service while I could go out (I had a day a week off) then all of a sudden I find everything is gone and I have far too much time on my hands. Now the world is very scary, lonely place for me. The silence is drowning me and the grief is over whelming I find I am in tears of the simplest of things (now my eyes are blurry) there is this awful panicky feeling, a lump in the back of the mouth, and feeling awful all the time–including a terrible dry mouth.

As Priscila stated do you have any support from family, friends or GP/social services? contact your local branch of CRUSE they are excellent for listening in a non judgemental way. It may not sound helpful but this site also shows that we are not alone in our feelings of despair. I just wish there was something I can say or do that would take away the pain for us all!
Christmas day is my mother’s birthday, not having any friends or family (my mother was the glue that held the clan together) I am dreading it! The build up to the festive season alone is giving me the collywobbles alone.
Are you eating and sleeping OK?
Kindest regards

Hi dave I have a large family of brothers and sisters but I’m finding it hard to watch them grieve…although I feel they are coping better than me…maybe they just hide it better but there’s not a day when I don’t cry I can’t talk about mum without crying even in work I keep filling up…we took turns of staying with mum…and Monday was mine.I know they say time heals but I can’t see that far ahead

Please don’t worry about your brothers and sisters coping “better” - everyone grieves in different ways and there is no right or wrong way. Be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve in the way that is right for you.

Hi Collywobbles,
Priscilla’s wise words say everything. Don’t worry about tears I have done nothing but weep over the last few days, just shed a bucket load now to such a point that my eyes and throat are sore and I got this pounding headache.
Grieve in your own way and never mind how long it takes, months or years, you grieve in your own time and pace. I agree that the cliché of time heals and all that jazz, isn’t helpful…I can’t see a future for me that is in which I am not going to be grieving, scared and very very lonely!
Keep warm and look after your self

Hi David,
I’m so so sorry for the loss of your mum. I lost my mum to cancer in feb this year and she passed in may . I like you was her carer but firstly her daughter and we were peas in a pod you could not get a stronger bond. We lived together and she was my world everyone commented on the love and bond we had together. I am 6 mth on from you but I am not in a good place and I think the first Christmas without mum is really playing on my mind I’m dreading it and new year and the months that follow and all the firsts that will come with that. I get so very low cry every day burst into tears in shops and now with Christmas stuff starting to be everywhere I’m finding it very distressing. I could relate so much to what you put and the things you put such as not being able to eat same foods and so on . Everything seems so very painfull doesn’t it. I hope I’m not making you feel worse I just want you to know you are not alone in how you feel and I like you don’t have family support so I feel very alone and that hurts as it makes you miss mum even more it just reminds you of how close the bond was. I hope I’m making sense as my mind is really tired and my sleep is poor. I could put a lot more but struggling to get words together right I’m also dsylexic which doesn’t help. But I felt I had to reach out to you as like me you I can really relate to the pain and being alone. It’s so very painfull isn’t it and gets so very hard to cope its overwhelming.
If you ever want to chat then please do. Try to hold on to any hope and that your mum would want you to be ok.
Thinking of you.
Tray xx

My mum passed away on the 6th of November, even though we knew she was ill I’m finding it hard to cope with the loss, I thought I would start to feel better after the funeral which was on the 22nd of November but if anything I fell worse. My dad passed away 14 years ago and I don’t think I grieved properly then as I was focused on helping my mum through her pain (they were 5 months away from celebrating their golden wedding).

Hi Collywobbles

Like you have lost my Mum fairly recently. In my case four months ago. Have been doing quite well but suddenly last couple of days seems to be overwhelming me again. Seem to walk around with tears in my eyes all the time even if not actually crying. Just feels so endless.

Well done getting back to work. I hope your colleagues are being good to you. I work alone now but remember when my Dad passed away (and different job then) the arms slid round me and cups of tea arriving when I felt blue. Probably not allowed physical contact in the workplace now in these more PC days! I saw a friend from those days a couple of weeks ago and she remembered me walking around looking like my world had caved in. It had then and has again.

Hope you are feeling a bit better today


Thanks Mel but I’m having a really bad day will be 2 months tommorow since I lost my mum and I feel like I’m just drowning in grief being at work isn’t really helping I’m not sleeping properly but the strange thing is I’m eating like mad I think it must be stress.I’m thinking of visiting the doc this week to see if he can help me

I’m sorry for your loss I thought it would get better after the funeral as well…how wrong was I but I’m trying to cope one day at a time xxx

You poor thing, sorry to hear it has been bad today. Has been for me too, kept wanting to cry all the time. Good idea re the Doc, haven’t been to mine but thinking a visit may well be in order.

Hope you get some sleep tonight.


Hi Folks,

hope it is OK to join here? Been an odd day for me too…Not good or bad but broke down heavily earlier this evening. Just hit me hard. Went to see about some voluntary work, to make a fresh start, but heart is not in it at the present. see how I feel in the week

The local Crises home treatment team, for use more neurotic types in Wales, was coming over but they had a crisis somewhere else so they were going to come later, in the day but couldn’t face the idea of three of them sitting in my living room while I broke down; rather do that in my own time (sorry if I am not making too much sense here folks, I am tired out with the lack of sleep, tears and general fatigue and the perennial guilt, as well as a terrible cold that doesn’t seem to go away). They’ll come out on Sunday to see me. Not a good day for me, Sundays, since my little old mum died in the early hours of a Sunday (November the 6th). I am feeling guilty about that since She had to go into hospital on her own, I was too pathetic to go with her. I saw here on the Saturday, helped feed her but she was getting very tired so I left her at 2PM …I was more preoccupied about getting home by public transport before the mad rush. She died alone I should have been with her. (sorry for this whinging!!!)

Good idea to speak to your doctor, they may offer you help in some form. Are there any cruse or Mind services that you can talk to one to one? I am going to join a cruse group on Tuesday, i’ll see what it is like, but I know exactly what will happen…I will flood everyone out with my tears and too embarrassed to go back…I have to persevere, though, since being on my own I have to talk to someone about this…either that or withdraw deeper into myself and never come out again…seen too many good folks do that and it is frightening…bad enough being Billy no mates as it is, but to see some of these poor lost souls in my home town and they way they are treated by the less charitable and understanding of my community is scary.

Christmas is going to be excruciating…already getting anxious with the festive stuff on TV and Radio. keep thinking about last year…

Mel, My catering skills at best are more “Gordon Bennett than Gordon Ramsey”, so today I have just picked away at snacks…got to stop the crisps.

Like Daddy Dave, I lost my Dad in 1996 and focused my attentions on my Mother…so I didn’t grieve for him as much as I should have done (More guilt)…I am making up for it now. Life is so lonely, exhausting and confusing.

Hope I can sleep tonight…Hope you all get some rest as well. Try and have a good day
Regards to all

Hi Tray,
many thanks for your words…I feel a right so and so for taking a while in getting back to you…Writing a straightforward reply is like navigating through a 5000 word essay.
I to am dyslexic…but being 52 years old I belong to a vintage that was classified as dullards (true in my case). Your message flowed very eloquently and I understood very clearly your kind words, made me feel as though I am not alone in this living nightmare.
Christmas day was my mother’s birthday she would have been 89. last year it was a jolly day. but now it is going to be hard going. I find it hard as well, especially the Christmas carols and adverts everywhere…it only adds to the isolation. I am dreading it. I think I am loosing my mind. Went out for a walk, trying to keep fit, but the anxiety hit me like a wave and I found that it was difficult to remember where I was…my heart was pounding and I had an urge to scream…Not a good idea in the middle of Marks and Spencers (???)…well apart from at their prices. I ended up in the park sitting in the exact spot that we sat during the warmer weather…I was talking to my mother (myself in reality) and possibly amused the local yahoos who saw me talking to myself.
Enough of me.
Are you going to be on your own for Christmas?
Take care and please stay in touch. Thank you for your message.
Light and peace