Hi Juneie, Thank you for your reply, my wife’s name was June.
Here it is now 2am and I’m writing on the l /top bad night tonight don’t feel tired at all, June it isn’t the days that get it’s the night, I don’t know what you’d call it, it’s like a panic attack I suppose every thing seems black all bad thoughts and can’t breathe. I know what you mean about can’t make head or tail of things, I’m also
confused and seem lost haven’t any aim in life now. Take care
Hi I had a bad night again last night, didn’t drop off till about 3 am, and today is one of my worse days, lot feeling lonely and sad, more tears, A day when I don’t know what to do with myself I thought I’d go for a drive, what happened? the first time ever my car wouldn’t start, so I called my garage where we have it serviced he came round straight away and changed the battery, then I didn’t feel like driving.my wife would have said for goodness sake Col. stop worrying it will be alright, more tears, I do miss her so much, she always sorted me out.
Aw Colin. I understand everything you say. It is 2 years and 6 months since my Ron died. I was the stronv one. Always able to sort anything. After he passed I lost my identity. I couldn’t think straight, my memory was terrible and I felt unable to cope. I don’t know how I got to the oresent and golf of it is just a blur. I forced myself to face places and situations I knew I had to deal with. Please don’t sleep in the chair. It is really bad for your health. Try every other night in bed. If you have a TV up there then turn it on but not to a sad programme. Do a crossword or anything to make you tired. Leave a landing light on. Gradually you will find it is OK. I thought about Ron every minute, every second, re living it all up to the point he died. I hated being in the house. Made appointments, went out with friends day and night. Gradually it lessened. My memories are there always if I need to call on them but it does become possible, very very slowly to move forward. I still have bad days. Had one today actually but I have a hot soak, put my face on and feel a little better. Life will never be the same but it will be different. I send you a virtual hug and so understand your suffering.
Sorry for typos in early paragraphs. Hope you can understand.
Hello Colin123
I identify with what you’ve said. I do not sleep before 2am. Nights are long and lonely. Angieio has offered some really helpful advice sleeping with the light on, tv in room etc. I listen to LBC all the time even at nights. We will never be the same. Your wife my husband the loss is great. My neighbour almost made me well up again as she said how George is so missed on our street everyone loved him on this street I live in a beautiful street neighbours are great in edgware.
I’m looking to downsize as children will fly the nest and I can’t handle 5 bedroom on my own. So something smaller which would consider my mum as she’s nearly 81 and has said she doesn’t want to know longer live in her house on her own.
Anyway I do hope you visit your Gp for some support it looks like you would benefit from getting something to support with sleeping.
Hopefully you can walk out if your car is not working. Today has been brilliant weather spent much of the day in the park with my grandson daughter an my son. Just walking in the park outside felt great.
Colin123 name is actually June.
Wishing you a better night.
Juneie
Hi Angie, Thank you for your reply, I don’t think I can try to sleep in our bed yet I know it isn’t good to sleep in the chair, but to put my arm out to touch June and she isn’t there would be so very painful, I will I promise to try at the weekend. Sorry to hear you had a bad day as well I seem to have so many it only wants someone to say a few kind words and I’m off again Even the cards that are arriving gets me going. I haven’t told you my age, I am 85 so not many more years to feel this hurt. Bye Angie for now all the best
Hi Juneie, Thank you for your reply again.
Yes Angie had some good advise, but I won’t try till the weekend .My daughter and I are going to sort the funeral tomorrow it came only be done on the phone, I’m not looking forward to that, more tears. I feel so lost still no aim in life, I wish I could get the urge to start getting the garden ready, but I only really did the garden because she loved the colours and smells ,She loved the hanging begonias.in the baskets
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Hello Colin123
I do hope the funeral sorting on the phone with your daughter went as well as it could. You know there will be constant tears. I lie in bed crying, crying in the kitchen in my heart all sorts it’s natural Colin. The absence is painful. Hopefully you can find some inspiration to start in the garden as the weather was gorgeous yesterday. In memory of your wife those hanging begonias sound like a positive start. See if your daughter will help get you started. I know we don’t want to put upon our children but you were sorting the funeral with her si I’m sure she would help.
Have a good day.
Juneie
Same here, my husband was 56, lost him to covid also. Don’t know how to cope with 2 kids 3 and 4years old. So depressing especially when they ask of their father
Hi Sandieb it’s very very early days for you at the moment and it’s natural you feel this way and you will for quite a while.
There is no length as to how long we grieve for and we all do it differently ,there is no wrong or right way to grieve. The only right way is the way that suits YOU. Take your time don’t let anyone rush you with anything , work at your own pace.
You will have good days and bad but right now as things are so raw for you , you will have such mixed emotions and it’s ok not to feel ok .
Let your emotions out if you want to cry then cry don’t stop for anyone.
Remember your loved one was and still is so proud of you .
You will have a busy time ahead of you sorting out and getting through the funeral and at such a difficult time with some of the restrictions in place but hold your head high and always remember you did him proud and will continue to do so .
Take care kind regards and the most important thing is keep chatting it really helps Karen 
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Hi Estee sending you a big welcome. You will find many of us to talk to on here. You have very young children mine 18 and in their 20’s. All at home still. I saw the COVID reflection coverage yesterday and so sorry for the loss of your husband only 56. I lost my husband suddenly to a brain haemorrhage in January this year aged 65. So many have lost their partners/husbands/brothers/sisters etc grief is all around us. I hope that you seek out the support you need as in terms of COVID there are various support groups around in remembrance of your loved one.
I have needed a lot os support which has truly helped me. Only a few weeks on I do feel able to return to work next month and all the financial things that I have never done in my life I feel that I am getting here and sorting things out. I guess we have to what do we do and with your children being so young it’s so very important for them. Of course I still cry loads, always will I think, see lots of couples on the street and really wish it was George and I. However, I wish them their happiness and a long one as no one knows what is around the corner.
Another support is Sue Ryder counselling they offer 6 free sessions so make use of them.
Anyhow that’s enough of me talking but seeking support is a strength and I am only where I am in my grief because of all the support I have had.
Take Care and look after yourself and your lovely little ones.
Juneie x
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