How I am feeling : Well, I don’t know. My brother age 60 took ill in March 2016 with CA diagnosed went down ill and was buried beginning of August 2016. As a family we grieved. It was so sudden. I am still grieving. I miss my brother, he was my favourite of my siblings.
Then I saw my mother for the last time on Saturday 26 March 2017. We had a pleasant time and I remember leaving her happy. I cooked for her and as usual tasting throughout as she loved her meals done ‘just so’ - to her liking. The last thing she said to me was “and don’t tell anyone my age”. I gave her my Mothering Sunday appreciation card and gift. On the Sunday all the family went up - children, grand children and great grand children. My brother told me she was so happy. She usually take it in turn to visit her children on Sundays for dinner. ON this day she wanted to stay home ( her meal was brought to her). On Friday 31 March she got up to get ready for the GP visit - to be collected and taken by my sister. She collapsed at the bathroom door. She died.
She wanted to be buried near her son, that was her wish. The Council prepared a grave in the wrong area of the cemetery. We had to wait while the correct burial spot was prepared. all our gest went away as the promise was, to have this ready in two hours. It was awful. Bless the Minister he stayed with us.
My mother was 91 years old.
I am lost for words. I am lost for feelings. I deliberately cannot think in detail about this. I think (and I think this is what I believe) I will process this in chunks. I really believe if I take this all in I will break. With this idea, I am sleeping and eating and working. What I do not do is get into heartfelt emotions with others. When little pockets of schemas appear I do get into an emotional state of either grief or anger and when depth of feelings begins to move to other despair I find something to distract. Is this the right way? I do not know. Do I need counselling? I do not know. What I do know is, I am self reflecting on me, like deliberately watching my thoughts, do not get into arguments, allow families to make their own decisions about mom and process their own feelings too.
And… you know what? People are coming to me for support with their problems. How do I deal with this? I put my feelings to one side and offer practical help rather than emotional ones. This way I get a happy feeling having helped. I begin to think about my purpose on this planet in the here and now. I think that I cannot go back and retrieve or change yesterday. I have no control over tomorrow. What I have is here and now and what I do with it. Life goes on. My mother has passed and the world has not changed.
I could see my mother was getting tired, tired of eating, sleeping, being, moving, tired of not being able to do things for herself, tired of reliance, fear of going into a home, fear of going into hospital, fear of operation. We talked about her life and how good it had been, her legacy, how proud she ought to feel. She wanted to be at home, in her own home with her own things around her. Bless her.
So what do I feel? Trust in time to be my healer. Trust in time to give me peace. Trust in time to let her go. Till then, I exist.