My oldest daughter (aged 29) died 21 July. She had a long term illness, and life expectancy was shortened, but her death came out of the blue. My emotions are all over the place.
I work in palliative care, and felt I had the coping skills to handle death, but nothing has prepared me for this. Nothing 
Thankfully work has been brilliant and recognised I needed more time off, so I don’t have to worry about work at the moment, yet all the mixed up emotions continually turning in my mind…work brings some guilt (and trepidation of returning… eventually) with all of my grief emotions I’m running through. I’m either feeling too much about EVERYTHING or feel a bit numb.
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Chellie. I know it hurts so bad you just feel like throwing things about. My son Christopher died on the 17th July ,was active until April , Then complained of pains in this hip back etc .secondary bone cancer . He was 47 ,born with disability,but he enjoyed life. It became such a shock when he died so quickly, you just fill a big hole has opened up .but bless you this life is so cruel .
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I’m so very sorry for your loss you are obviously such a wonderful person to work in palliative care it’s a massive difference to family’s that are going through darkest and scariest days I have nothing but admiration for your profession but as good at your job it’s a whole different ballgame when it’s a family member and especially your child. I hope you have good people surrounding you and looking after you 
i do understand the guilt surrounding work , I carried on working throughout mum’s illness and I was even in work the night she passed . It didn’t mean I loved her any less I just needed a sense of normalcy to keep strong for her but a massive part of grief is guilt. I’m thinking of you and your family and my inbox is always open if you need to chat
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Hi Chelle,
I lost my daughter aged 15 in May 2019 to undiagnosed cancer by the hospital. The advice i can offer you is that your emotions are still very raw. Dont be hard on yourself, the grief comes in waves usually in the middle of anywhere. Also with your job you can now bring empathy to other parents but always remember that your not a robot and it will be difficult to differentiate at times. Ive never had counselling because i am still angry at the hospital for failing my beautiful girl. There is a statue in Denmark (I think) you can look it up and it sums up how a parent feels after the loss of their child (of any age). Its a huge figure of a parent made of metal/bronze? With a head arms legs and a hole were their insides were ripped out. I really felt this expression through art hit the nail on the head for me. Im sure youll find it on google.
Wishing you inner peace x
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Hi Chelle, im so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Different circumstances, but your post jumped out at me so here i am! Not sure what im doing most of time right now so forgive my ramblings!! I lost my eldest daughter on 5th August 23, 5 weeks tomorrow. She was also 29. Im a medically retired mental health nurse but nothing could’ve helped or prepped me for my own childs suicide. Like your work, we are too close, unable to disengage at end of shift!! As ive a rare autoimmune disease im really struggling with being stuck home a lot. I need the routine but right now im sat in a pit of darkness im sure you know only too well. I too am going in waves of emotions. I believe it is healthy. I took pills when my dad died suddenly and when my sister died if cancer. In fact i just came off 35yrs of antidepressants at xmas and i was so proud. I’m not going back on them and putting my grief on numb mode this time. The only way for me (only me, everyone is different) will be right thru, then sometimes ill be thinking why arent you crying?!! Next minute im hysterical so it sounds like we are both experiencing the same symptoms. Youre not alone, i wish i could have more answers or actions to help you. Unfortunately thats impossible but i can guarantee you reach out and not be alone. I understand you may find it more supportive with ppl experiencing the same illness too so just know that however you feel, you have an outlet. Much love kl’s mum f29 xx
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