death of my husband

i lost my husband on the 22nd of September ,after being with him for 51 years and married for 48 .5 of those years .He spent the last 3 days of his life in hospital , he had lots of respiratory problems , his specialist said she didn’t expect him to be here in 18 months, he was on the gold standard framework , we only had 3 months after that discussion , so it was a bit of a shock .I was not able to visit him , because he was on a respiratory ward , where there was vulnerable people as he was himself . i am devastated that i dont know what his last days were like , we had very stilted conversations on the phone as he was a bit deaf , his last words were, i just want to come home , he died about 4 hours after that conversation. His funeral was Friday the 9th of October , we could only have 18 mourners and both i and my daughters were shocked at how far apart the chairs were in the crematorium , Just how do i move on ? couldn’t see him , couldn’t calibrate his life properly at the funeral with family , cannot see friends , supposed to have one family as a support bubble , How do i choose one daughter over the other . i have come to hate the words covid and the new normal . I feel so lost and lonely .

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Lindylou64 this is so recent for you and this year has been even harder for everyone with ill relatives. Covid restrictions have really added to our grief. Just take one day at a time and try not to feel any guilt or regret as you did all you could given the circumstances. Stay on the site and you will get a lot of comfort during the coming months.

Dear Lindylou64 my heart goes out to you, you have been through the worst time and in the worst way. To not be able to be with your beloved husband is heart breaking, but remember the love and strong bonds that tied you together, these will never be broken and your love for each other will never die. I know how hard it is to keep going, we feel so guilty in our grief for not being able to do anything and we look to blame ourselves all the time. Please believe me you are not alone in your struggle we are all right there with you. It is devastating and we try to move forward, but minute by minute don’t try too hard, if you need to cry, then cry it is a safety valve. If you need to shout then do so, but gradually, very gradually you will find yourself coping a bit better and feeling a little stronger. Sending love, hugs and blessings to you. Chris xxxxxx

@lindylou64 I am so sorry you are experiencing such pain and grief. Not being able to see your darling husband in hospital must be torture. I hope in time you can remember your life together rather than such bad memories. It’s not going to be easy. After my darling John died I immediately allowed my two daughters to come and stay with me. I did read somewhere on the government’s Covid guidelines that those recently bereaved did not have to follow the rules for everyone else. I will try to find it. Meanwhile don’t choose between them let them come one at a time. Take care and we are all here struggling through this nightmare. :butterfly::broken_heart:

What an absolutely horrendous experience you and your family have gone through and are still going through. The only comfort you might get from this is that your husband is now safe and at peace and is no longer in pain or afraid. COVID has wreaked havoc on so many of us but not to be able to hug those dearest to us when we really need them to is perhaps the hardest to come to terms with.

My husband died on the 25th July in the middle of COVID and I also wasn’t able to be with him at the end. I know he was totally on his own so I can fully appreciate all the thoughts that are going through your head. We were only allowed 20 to attend his funeral despite the national rule of 30 which seemed to dig that knife of grief in even more. I was just so angry at everything that stopped me doing what I wanted. We were together for 40 years, 38 of which we had been married. I had been his carer for many years so all of a sudden my role in life changed. Against all the odds he reached the grand age of 90 but as I am 22 years his junior the thought of all the lonely years stretching ahead fill me with terror. I have a daughter who has a young family but they have their own lives to get on with. Days can sometimes be filled up with wandering around the shops or perhaps going for a solitary coffee but evenings are the worst time for me. Watching tv on my own fills me with such sadness as often I have no idea of what I’ve just been watching! Take care of yourself. Some days will be a little better than others and some days will be absolutely dreadful. I think we just have to accept it and allow ourselves to wallow in our grief during the bad days.

Everyone says that the grief will get better and I know it will eventually and hopefully with the help of sites such as these where we can pour our hearts out to people who know exactly how we are feeling life will get better. My heart goes out to you.

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Lindylou64 my heart goes out to you I can’t imagine how the last days were for you but you must never blame yourself, the reason you were not able to visit your loved one were out of your control. As it’s already been said it’s been a difficult year for us all even without loosing someone so special. I lost my husband 6 weeks ago very suddenly at the age of 56 and I have taken a huge amount of comfort from this site I can’t begin to tell you how it has helped through , so please don’t stop posting on here . I’m sure your daughters will support you without you having to make a choice . Sending hugs and best wishes to you all x x take care we are all here for you at any time

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@lindylou64 This is from the government website and you will see that support for those bereaved is mentioned. It might help but as the rules are changing all the time I will keep checking. Depends what part of the country you live in I suppose. You could try your local council.

2.10 When can I gather in groups of more than 6?

If you live in a household with more than 6 people, you can continue to gather in and attend all settings together. This same applies for your support bubble. All venues should continue to accommodate groups larger than 6 who live together or are in the same support bubble.

There are exceptions where groups can be larger than 6 people, including:

  • for work, or the provision of voluntary or charitable services
  • registered childcare, education or training
  • supervised activities provided for children, including wraparound care, youth groups and activities, and children’s playgroups
  • providing support to a vulnerable person
  • providing emergency assistance, and to avoid injury or illness or to escape risk of harm
  • for arrangements where children do not live in the same household as both their parents
  • fulfilling a legal obligation such as attending court or jury service
  • weddings and civil partnership ceremonies and receptions – from 28 September, up to 15 people, in a public place
  • funerals – up to 30 people. From 28 September, this does not include wakes (which are subject to the rule of 6), other than for religious ceremonial purposes
  • organised outdoor sport or licensed outdoor physical activity, and supervised sporting activity (indoors or outdoors) for under-18s. Organised indoor sport or exercise classes can take place in larger numbers, provided groups of more than 6 do not mix. Organised indoor team sports for disabled people can take place in any number.
  • elite sporting competition and training
  • support groups up to 15 – formally organised groups to provide mutual aid, therapy or any other form of support. This includes support to victims of crime, recovering addicts, new parents, people with long-term illnesses, those facing issues relating to their sexuality or gender, and those who have suffered bereavement.
  • protests – if organised in compliance with COVID-19 Secure guidance. All individuals must be socially distanced.

Lindylou64
The new norm. We dont even know what this is as it changes weekly. If your daughters are not as far as they know a threat to your health let them come together. You should be able to do this as a family. There are times and places when as far as I am concerned the rules will not be abided by and for me this is just that time. Of course this is only my take. But unless someone locked me in if someone needed me I would be there. I had so many challenges with stupid security staff and doctors when my husband was in his last days of life that I just became angry and had to be agressive to get what I know was right.
Its about compassion and empathy. Lacking now more so than ever in the outside world. Covid has much to answer for but the attitudes of those in the caring proffession needs adjustment.
Do what you feel is right and brings you peace

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Thank you i have copied it , will send it to my daughters .

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@lindylou64 You are welcome and I hope you get to see your girls more. :butterfly::broken_heart:

This does not mean support from family although it should. It’s for formal support groups. But you can form a support bubble. You are correct to suggest to check what the rules are for your area. Obviously we now have the traffic light system of Very high, high and medium. If you are medium you can have up to 6 people both indoors and outdoors. If like me you are in high, it’s no one in your home unless they are in your bubble. It was also in private gardens too but that’s removed tomorrow. Very high is the most difficult one :slightly_frowning_face:

@lindylou64. When my husband died in July after an incredibly traumatic time my daughter and her family decided that we would form a joint bubble and to hell with any restrictions. Without the continual support and hugs from her and my grandchildren I wouldn’t have got through it and she would now be an orphan. Sometimes you just have to bend the rules and do what is right for you.

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@JacquiHB I totally agree sod the rules. Let someone come knocking at my door and they will get the full vent of my pent up emotions. They won’t know what hit them. :face_with_symbols_over_mouth:

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@SanW Well I think as it mentions bereavement someone in government was trying to help. I think people need family and family need them.

I agree we must make up our own minds about how we deal with restrictions. But I do read and note them. I have a bubble arrangement with my son and family. They live close by. My daughter and family live in London, I saw them for the first time in 6 months when restrictions lifted. Now I won’t see them again for possibly another 6, as too many rules would indeed be broken. If the rules, some now law, are relaxed then that for me is when I will be driving down. Apart from my son & family I will see no one. My way of surviving has very much been due to having the support of a group of special friends. I need surgery on my foot with a long post op recovery. These friends were the team to care for me, but I can’t ask them, so op has been postponed until next year. How I wish I had my gentle husband by my side as we all do. We will face many challenges, but I hope like me you will find strength to help deal with them :blue_heart:

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This must be very painful for you. The current situation seems very harsh and totally against what feels natural. I’m here if you want to chat xx

JOHNS WIFE. I am so sorry I pressed a spam button on your post totally be accident.I agree with what you said and was trying to reply when I somehow pressed the wrong key.Please accept my apologies.I don’t want to upset you
X

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Hi @Angiejo1 - just for your information, if you click the flag button to report a post, it’s confidential and will only be seen by the moderation team, and not by the person who wrote the post, so Johnswife wouldn’t have known that you reported it. However, I’ve noted that you reported by accident, and the post definitely didn’t break any rules, so no action has been taken anyway. If you do need to contact the moderation team in future, it’s online.community@sueryder.org

@Angiejo1 No problem the moderator removed the post but have put it back up again. It is so easy to press the wrong button on these forums :upside_down_face: