Back in March I lost my stepson ( he had been in my life since the early 80s). My husband was devastated. I assisted with arrangements and during this sad time I was informed by telephone that my own eldest son had taken his own life too. Both deaths were not connected but I can’t believe we both lost our children within 5 weeks of each other. It’s been a hard year for both of us but he is dealing with his grief better than I am.
I feel totally isolated inside my own head. Nothing prepares you for losing a child & absolutely not for suicide. I keep seeing his beautiful face as a child & it’s ripping my heart into shreds. At the moment I can only just about concentrate on getting through each day without falling apart. Will I ever get over this? I have had people telling me time is a healer, which I am sure it is, but at this moment it’s not what I want to hear. My story is much much more complicated than this short intro but I’m hoping as I get into this I can gain some confidence to share.
Sorry to hear about your two losses, I can not imagine how hard it is for you and your husband. My son took his own life in August , and its a hard thing to comprehend unless you have unfortunately experienced it. From all ive read time is not a healer you just learn to deal with the grief and build a life around it , i’m still on the what im missed/ what I should have done stage. Talking to others in similar situations is the only thing that helps as others expect you to have moved on, but the loss of a child is completely different to a parent.
Thank you for your raw and honest reply. It’s so hard to get your head around I agree. Some days I think I understand but then I know I don’t and possibly never will. Same as you I am at the stage where I think why didn’t you call me, I always made everything better when you were growing up and I’m sure I could have made a difference this time but sadly I won’t ever know. Please take care of yourself and if you want to speak privately I’m always at the other end.
I am so sorry for your losses, no words can explain what we go through. I lost my son through drugs, I did everything I could to help him, but addiction is an illness which others apart from this site don’t understand. Like you and many others, so many whys, if onlys, which we may never find out is very difficult. I’m sure some people think I should just move on…how do you. All I can say is this site is my lifeline where you can say what you want. I’m thinking back to a card I received a few weeks ago from my ex sister in law, you will never get over the loss of your son, you learn to cope in a different way. It took me several weeks to literally understand what those words meant, but over a period of time I have realised they are true. I have lost friends since the loss of my son, they don’t get it, people you would never hear from appear on messenger…they want to be nosey, well that’s how it makes me feel. They don’t have a clue. Be kind to yourself, sorry I have rambled on, take care and keep messaging xx
I absolutely get you. We learn to live with what it’s left us with and I intend to try my hardest because I know they would not want me to be like this. I totally understand the ghosting of friends, I have lost so many because they are either at a crossroads and don’t know how to be with you or they just couldn’t be bothered. I lose no sleep anymore, their loss in the end, as far as I’m concerned they have lost a good, true loyal friend. My energy and oxygen are better placed on strangers these days. Also, people coming out of the woodwork to be nosy, oh my, they couldn’t be more obvious if they tried. I have no time for narcissism I despise people who make everything about them. God help any of our ‘so called ‘ friends if they ever lose a child and need the support of a good person. I’m not sure how I’d feel tbh. You be kind to yourself my friend here if you ever want to rant.
Thank you, reading what you have put is so true to how I feel. I actually feel every one on here is a friend even though we don’t actually know each other or even where we live. I certainly don’t loose any sleep over idiotic people, well that’s how I see them. Amazing what crawls out of the woodwork…rotten to the core.
I have just spent the last hour sorting out an email from my solicitor about my sons flat…I have asked him to do everything for me, he charges a fortune and I still end up having to sort st out. I e just booked a swim, I need to get rid of some built up energy. I can feel my temper rising, like you say we try to learn with the grief, my son wouldn’t want me sad and crying all the time. He used to say to anyone don’t ever ps me my Mum off as you really don’t want to be on the side of her temper. Makes me sound like a bad person, I’m not and would help anyone, but listening to niff naff things is totally irritating in my life at the moment. I prefer my own company and my partners…he is my rock, where my son was my rock. I have written loads today in my journal…rantingon, my feelings…all a one way conversation. Take care and thank you xx
Ive had a few people friend me on FB that have previously unfriended me so i’ve deleted them and those that have not even acknowledged my loss I’ve unfriended, if they can not even say I’m sorry . My main source of conversation these days are bereaved parents, no one else understands this pain. I have trouble with people saying he wouldn’t want you living like this, he didnt want to live like this but didnt find a way to live and there were solutions theres no solution now
This is my main conversation with people like yourself on this site. I have come off FB for the time being, can’t be arsed with it, people annoy me and don’t understand. Without this site I have no idea where I would be. I feel I can put down how my son lost his life and no one judges me or frowns upon by saying oh a druggy…most hurtful words. Do they not think before they speak and start judging you as a Mother. Xx
MJG most people aren’t worth bothering with there a waste of skin and just like telling tales or gossiping this is my observation of most people but there is some genuine people around but unfortunately they are few and far between.
Yep they are few and far between. Surely true friends don’t listen to gossip about my son…oh they do then add a bit extra. I would rather be a recluse to be honest.
@MJG it was when one told me why he took his life…apparently it was because he didnt like change so coming home from uni was too much for him! If it was just that the reality of how he suffered at uni is far more upsetting
People like that are not worth bothering with…ignore them or tell them to do one. They haven’t got a clue and suddenly become experts in how we should feel xx