Death robs us...

As if it is not bad enough, heartbreakin when we lose someone, a child, sister-brother-parent-partner, it is also heartbreaking that the chain is broken, ie, in retirement we are both robbed of our retirement future together, heaven know we have worked throughout our life, we have earn’t it, our future grandchildren, our family chain has been broken if we are a parent and so on…How many times have we the older generation say, " we should go before our young…" both me and my Richard had agreed on that, of course sadly in reality this is not always the case…
As for me and my Richard, yes he should still be here and we should both be enjoying our retirement years together…the same should be said for the parents left behind who have been robbed of their future grandchildren, the brothers and sisters who have been robbed of their nieces and nephews, we who have been robbed of our parents especially if they were still quite young…Life can be most enjoyable whe nwe have our close friends and family but a cruel and sad place as we lose them,One negative on ageing is seeing your family and friends going one by one and knowing you are the last remaining few or last remaining one…


Hi jackie,

I was given some advice this week to help cope with my mums passing. I’m fond of saying ‘mum should be here’ ‘mum should be doing this with us’ ‘mim should be enjoying this’
It’s only a subtle change but I was told to change ‘should’ to ’ it would be nice if mum was here’, ‘I wish mum was enjoying this’ etc.
I was told that the ‘shoulds’ the ‘woulds’ are all forms of what if and need to he phrased differently.
It doesnt change anything of course but may help with accepting what has happened without putting guilt or a negative spin on it.
I’m trying to give it a go…


If they have walked in your shoes and it has worked for them that will be a plus…

That’s an interesting idea. At the weekend I was thinking of the ‘shoulds’. It’s hard to think any other way when that’s the way I feel right now. It’s going to be a while before I can hopefully phrase it that way.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on her behalf and that she is sad that she cannot do this or that, she is probably sad that I’ve taken all her stuff out of her house. It’s a bit mad as clearly she doesn’t think anything anymore but I can’t shift the feeling of her thoughts. I guess that must come down to the close connection we had.
I feel robbed of my mum and I feel that she has been robbed of her existence. I’m trying to not think too much about the part I may have played in that, the guilt, as it doesn’t help. It’ll take a while though. So many bits and pieces to deal with, it’s a mess.

Morning Shaun

Feeling exactly the same as you. Still ‘feeling’ for mum even though she is gone and cannot feel or think for herself anymore.
I have had a weird weekend. The crying has suddenly stopped and whilst this should be welcome, it’s worse. I’m numb for the first time. I’ve lost interest in anything and just plodding along with everything in life.
It’s weird because I’ve waited so long for the tears to dry up and now they have I feel empty and numb.
I’m sure this will pass and the tears will soon resume. At least I had passion and feelings when I was i feel lifeless which is so unlike me.
I guess this is just the next phase of grief.
It’s so hard to think that our mums simply dont exist anymore.

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Emotions of grief do tend to shift all over the place I find. I cannot predict the week ahead and what it’ll feel like. I quite often cannot be bothered with a lot of things anymore.
I spent some time moving more stuff from mum’s house. It’s weird, it now reminds me of when she moved in except very different emotions. I’m tremendously sad that she has moved out. She moved in almost 7 years ago and if could pick a point in life when we were all at our happiest and do it again, it would be then, November 2012. Mum moving in close by to the house my wife and I had just moved out of, she was really really happy, my daughter was on the way too. Best time ever. Now I stand in the house as I did yesterday, I feel like the house itself has died, it is eerily quiet, cold with echoing empty rooms in which I can still visualise in their former glory with my mum doing her things and arranging everything the way she wanted it after she moved in. Seeing it almost empty just underlines the fact she isn’t coming back or about to walk in.
I do find tears a good release and sometimes music does this to me. Without the tears I just feel deep sadness and the inability to look forward to things. We had a skiing holiday booked for next March and I notice it’s started snowing in the alps. There is a flicker of excitement when I see it which is quick doused with cold water when I find I cannot look forward to going there. I’ve yet to take my mum off the booking!

Oh no shaun that’s a horrible job to do.
Mum came to butlins every August with my daughter and I. We had such fun and looked forward to it. When mum went in for her operation the last thing I said to her was ’ we will be laughing about this on 8 weeks time over a glass of wine at butlins’
She replied ‘you bet we will’
Those were the last words we ever spoke. When I rang butlins to remove mum from the booking the lady said ‘you havent taken our insurance’ I cant give your money back.
I said ‘I don’t want any money back, I just want my mums name taken off everything so it doesnt cause any further upset when my daughter and I check in’.
It still feels so unreal.

I lost my lovely Mum suddenly. On our last night together we had a Chinese takeaway, checked if flights had gone on sale for our annual trip to Benidorm for her birthday. Oh, the excitement when they were and we booked. She discovered Benidorm when I took her for her 70th birthday and we were now planning her 81st :heart: But sadly, she became unwell a few days later and passed away. I too had the difficult task we all face when dealing with our loved ones affairs including cancelling off our planned adventure. That was possibly the most painful…but yet, I can now find comfort that I saw the pure joy it brought her that she was going to her favourite place.
So, my experience of cancelling travel arrangements, EasyJet, a phone call was handled sensitively, refunded immediately without any request for proof, but a cancellation I had to make on my own insurance was handled extremely insensitively with requests for unnecessary proof :frowning: