I am hoping that just writing this will help.
So, between 13th August 2023 and 23th February 2024 - 6 months - I lost my younger sister and a dear friend (5 weeks apart) and then my mum and another dear and longtime friend (2weeks apart).
And I am struggling. I have always been extremely strong - both grown-up children have had serious health issues. Supported my younger sister through breast cancer, all those years ago. When it came back, everywhere, I put all my belongings into storage to go and support her.
I think what i am really struggling with is that there are deep voids in my life now. My sister who i spoke to or texted on a daily basis - used to laugh with - speak in our mother tongue, share our love of music. I have lost my past, my history and, to some degree, my identity. She shared a part of my life that no one else did. I cant talk to anyone else about those things.
And K, who i only knew for about 7 years - exactly the same scenario as my younger sister- and same timeline too. Breast cancer years ago, came back everywhere. Completely different life experiences, and yet we got on so well. We only video called every fortnight or so if we were not living in the same area. She used to travel - i was working all the hours. Yet we gelled.
And mum, who thankfully passed away very quickly - a stroke. Living in different countries and family estrangement meant i didn’t see her a lot in her latter years, but all the memories of a mother who used to little things for me: small plate with a quartered boiled egg, sprinkled with salt and chilli powder - when i was off sick from school, having a cup of tea ready for me so i could drink it quickly before setting off for work, because she knew i couldn’t drink hot tea. So many little gestures.
And B, my neighbour for 14 years who i was still in touch with 20 years later. I spent her last Christmas day with her because her daughters couldnt be there.
It is these blank spaces in my past, my history that cause so much pain. That I can’t share things with them anymore. It is overwhelming at times - just desperately wanting to find a way out of the dark - like a swimmer entangled in riverbed weeds, unable to fight their way out.
And it’s not something you can go on about to people. You have to keep up an upbeat front, but privately you’re thinking “xxxx, how do i get through this.”
I hope it is ok that i am going to use this as a way of trying to let go of things.