Deeply saddened

My husband died 18 weeks ago after many declining years for which I was his sole carer.
We had been married for 58 years and had three sons, one of which died 20 years ago of MS.
My husband was, right up until his death a very difficult man to live with and many times very cruel. I think today they call it emotional abuse, but just like the battered wife I continued to love him and blame myself when things went wrong.
I think there are those I know who wonder why I am grieving, but I am and it’s very painful and sad. I miss him because there were moments when he would be very kind.
Having spent most of my life married and never living on my own, I now find how empty life is.
Throughout my married life I was the organiser of all that happened, I organised holidays, paid all the bills, cleaned, cooked, looked after the garden, educated the children and now I seem unable to do anything.
So many things are causing me pain when I’m in company, even hearing someone being unfair and moaning about their family upsets me greatly, this causes me to want to stay home and not mix as it is easier, peoples behaviour just seems to add to the way I feel.
I do have some good days and I am grateful for them but these down days make me wonder when I will again enjoy life.

Hi, grieving is a very difficult thing and affects us all differently so don’t be hard on yourself, you have as much right as anyone else to grieve, 58 years living with the some person is a long time. We were married for 45 and I miss him every single day. I also find it hard when people grumble about there partner or family and I just want to say to them, be greatfull and enjoy what you have but please don’t let it stop you from enjoying going out.
It is good that you did the ‘organising’, it certainly makes that side of life easier. So many couples let just one do certain jobs and the other person as no idea how to deal with everyday things, sad.
There will be more good days as time moves on and I do hope you find that you can enjoy new things and experiences and with them will come even more good days. Take care and please remember, don’t be hard on yourself. Blessings S

I agree with the previous message. We are grieving and our emotions are so fragile, what wouldn’t normally bother us has a profound effect at the moment. I lost my lovely husband 7 weeks ago suddenly. I’m in shock and grieving. Just after he died the TV was on, showing people in queues at the airports and ports, all complaining and saying , this is the worst day of our lives and suchlike. My sister was looking after me at the time and I remember shouting at the tv screen “you have no idea. It’s just a queue. You’ll be on holiday with your families and loved ones soon. Stop moaning”.if only I had my Carl back. I’d queue forever if he was by my side.
So don’t be harsh on yourself. Be kind. Is there a little walking group you could join? I’m going to try one as I’ve been told there are ladies and gents who have lost their partners and go just to chat and get some fresh air. There is a site called walking for health. You may find it helpful.
Please look after yourself. Lots of love.

Thank you for your support.
I understand where you are coming from LinF and Suzie when you talk about people moaning and complaining - it upsets me too!

Just come back from the cinema, we’ll it is a picture house because it’s old fashioned and it cost me £5.50 plus paper hankies, the film was Christopher Robin. Very nice but also sad because it makes you think of all the time we both wasted on working. On the way home there were two ladies sat in front of me on the bus both complaining about families and I wanted to short at them both.
We don’t appreciate what we have until we no longer have it, that is so true. That’s life and yes we just have to get on with it.
My next trip is to see Calendar Girls at the theatre and I am stocking up on hankies.
Walking is good, either alone or if you find the right group with company.
Take care and look after yourselves.

Good afternoon gogs
Today I read your message on the Sue Ryder wed and upon reading it I was very
moved by the content and what you call emotional abuse. You must have loved him very much, I also know what you mean about the loneliness, In all that time there must have been some good periods which you recall, I think there times when 2 people live together for long periods there are some not so good times, however I believe that we should think of the good times that we are together and how much we loved them.

I was married to my beloved Patricia for 58 years, we go engaged on Patricia’s 18th birthday. although we had some now so good times I was never I sorry we were married, My Patricia always said, when you are alone you will never walk alone because I will always be with you. Even whenever I am out I think about Patricia and the simple things we did together.

If you feel a chat let me know in the mean time I say think of the good times you had in those 58 years and the birth of your 3 sons.
Good day and God bless you and keep you safe. Bryan
It is the meal times when you miss your beloved and the empty seat at the table.
My Patricia always said to me, Bryan “you’ll never walk alone”

Hello Bryan,

Thank you so much for your reply. There is no question that I didn’t love my husband and yes there were some good times but sadly not as many as there might have been.

It’s good to listen to how you remember your wife and I am very sorry that like all of us on this forum you are in the process of grief and the pain that goes with it.

I wish you well and if it is possible for there to be a ‘good’ grief I wish it for you.
You’re right, the emptiness in the home is palpable.