Delayed and complicated grief

I feel like that with strictly. I took mum to see strictly come dancing on tour show at the theatre. And she loved I’m a celebrity. Who would have thought that they would never see those shows again.

You’re right C1971 and Jooles45. It is so bloody hard and unfair. I can’t watch Call the Midwife because my mum loved watching it, and we’d watch some episodes togther. During her last few weeks at the hospice I took my laptop in so she could watch it, but she barely noticed as she was either in so much pain or heavily sedated.
Here’s a good article on primary and secondary grief - this bit made me feel a bit better:
“You are grieving an extraordinary loss, and every trigger and every reminder is just a testament to the fact that you truly shared your life, yourself, your love and your heart with someone else. While these times and these triggers are painful, let them always remind you of a great love you have shared.”

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I don’t know if this will make anyone smile but every saturday mum would come round to ours for dinner and sit down to watch various TV shows. There was the inevitable Poldark etc but one of our favourites was ‘The Walking Dead’! Mad huh? We watched every show and there have been 9 seasons of it so thats a lot of shows! The new season 10 has started but I cannot bring myself to watch it because she should be here with us sat on our sofa with a cup of tea. As for Poldark, she watched every episode with us except the very last one. We missed the last one as we went on holiday and sadly she never got to see it on catchup as she never came home from holiday.
Flip I’m sad again.
I’d never really thought about primary and secondary grief but wow it makes sense. I am so used to life as it was that it is incredible hard to function in this alternate reality and my brain is unwilling to let go of the past I can no longer have. The integration in my past life is so tight that now, everywhere I turn I see mum in some way. There are so many aspects that have to be rewired and it’s a seemingly impossible task so it feels like I’m doomed to live in this way forever. This mourning is exhausting.
I’m hoping for a better day tomorrow.

Hi all just been reading through all the replies and looks like we’re all in the same boat. Everything you’re all saying is exactly how I feel. I’m unable to do half the stuff I used to because I always had my dad to do them with. We were so close. More like best mates. I couldnt even bring myself to watch the rugby World Cup this year, as 4 weeks before my dad passed we were in Cardiff watching England play Wales in the six nations rugby. I can’t bring myself to watch rugby or play pool anymore as nothing will ever be the same. I do understand the primary and secondary grief and it makes perfect sense now. I suppose I just didn’t see any of this coming and feel so young to have lost my dad already. And it just pains me to see my mum alone and lost without her soul mate. Thanks again everyone. Keep talking as it’s helping and I’m sure we can all help eachother and get through this.

Regards
Ady