Dear Mrs Colt,
You too have been through so much. I do hope that you have some people in your life to support you through all this. Thinking of you.
Hi Meebee , thank you for your kindness and concern. I am very fortunate to have amazing family and friends who do indeed support me. I have also made some wonderful friends on here who I talk to every day, people who are going through exactly the same feelings and emotions as I am and we are sharing our journey together. You have not had it easy yourself and I hope you are coping ok? I see you are in Ayrshire I am in Fife 
x
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Thank you Meebee for your kind thoughts. You have been through so much with losing both your parents and seemingly little support at home and work.
Like you I go for walks but mainly keep manically busy so as not to sit and think. I share my mum’s care with my sister. She lives 150 miles away from me and 100 miles from my sister so we stay a couple of weeks at a time. Today I have been filling a skip with stuff that should have been thrown away years ago. My dad kept anything and everything.
As for pain relief for my mum, let’s just say her GP is not that helpful apart from offering painkillers which are so strong they make her dopey and at risk of falling which is what caused the pain in the first place.
I did seek counselling when my husband first died but the waiting list was so long. Again my GP was less than helpful. Everyone kept saying I needed counselling but did nothing to help me find it. For the time being I prefer to join in on this forum.
There are quite a few of us it seems who have had multiple sadnesses in our lives. When my husband died I lost my best friend and the love of my life. With him I could have coped with anything. Now I am fearful all the time.
I hope you find love and support in your life. You are obviously a very caring person and deserve some care for yourself. I do hope you find this site is helping. Take care.
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Dear Jobar,
I really appreciate all your kind words I only saw your message just before logging off and have already been on for a couple of hours and have to go but I will respond better next time I am on because I think your reply deserves a better response in the meantime take care and do take a little time for you.
I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time … I have been locked down alone too. It magnifies it all. My son died aged 33 in 2012 then my remai u g son died 2017!-he’d 36… then fifteen months ago my beloved husband of 43 1/2 years died … was only diagnosed with cancer a d died less than a
Month later. I feel like I’m cursed … feel like it’s my fault! It’s hard to keep perspective really. I hope you soon start feeling a bit better but, you are right, you need to let it out. The EMDR does work well for trauma … I had it a few years ago abd it really helped after the death of my son. Hugs from me to you 
Hi Pedro thanks for posting it is a relief to know others are finding the same thing although I wouldnt wish it on us. As shocking as your husbands death must have been thank goodness he didnt suffer for longer. Yes when I am telling my story to people I often say ‘I’m not a serial killer I promise’ because I always feel that having my close family wiped out in the space of 2 years must sound like I was desperate to get my hands on the family inheritance or something (there wasn’t much!!! ) like I’m living in an Agatha Christie book or something… it just sounds so unbelievable. 18 months is not long for grieving your husband and your home must feel very empty at times as does mine although I am fostering a cat at the moment so at least I’m talking to a living creature and not empty walls now. I’m glad the EMDR helped that gives me some hope. Thank goodness the worst seems to be over I have a weepy 30 minutes or so here and there but not the whole day any more. Just hope for all our sakes that lockdown continued to gradually ease so we can keep taking tentative steps back to life. Big hugs to you and all members of the forum x
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Hi and thankyou for replying. I have a black and white cat, Felix, who was really my sons cat more than mine but he is company at least.
Yes let’s hope things get better for us all … it just hits me that he really isn’t coming home … ever. It’s so shocking and lonely. I just hate it.
I need to try to start doing more … I am supposed to be shielding until the r d of July apparently but must get back to walking and cycling more I suppose.
Love to all here and wishing things will improve for all… Sue
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Hello everyone! Just a short blurb here – I went out Saturday with members of my family for lunch. I felt so alone and isolated - wanted talk about my departed wife - they were showing no interest. That’s how alone I felt. I got thru it OK, but somehow, wish I could be with people who understand how alone I feel. They seem to think I’m over it or doing OK - not true - it’s going to take more time for me to just get over it. Anyway, I just wanted to share this experience with anyone who can understand what I am feeling.
Regards,
Herb
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Hello Herb, well done for going out - that is a massive step - but I can relate to the feelings of being alone and isolated, so I understand how you are feeling. I’ve learnt that the people I thought would be there for me - just can’t - for whatever reason…so I turn to those who really listen and are not phased when I need to talk over and over about the same things - or even cry! Find your sources of comfort. People writing here - seem to say that you never get over it but that the pain softens and the happy memories return. Take your time. Do what you need to do. Find the people who are able to hold you at your most painful time. I am sending you a huge hug x
Hello RCB, Thank you for the supportive reply. I wanted to tell the family that I collected all my wife’s sketches, drawing pads put them all on her drawing board, so anyone could look at them - so far, no takers. I also hung up 4 of her drawings,----(they look really nice)! She was developing some real talent! Well, that was a short- lived conversation - I could tell they had no interest. So I listened in and had a glass or two of wine. I managed as I said. I really wished they could have known her the way I did. I feel so much like I am searching for friends these days - anyone who will listen. Anyway, thank you once again RCB - don’t know if you are male or female, but thank you all the same!
Herb
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Hello Herb, How fabulous to celebrate your wife’s artistic talents x My Dad died in April. He was in a care home and unfortunately became ill with covid. He was an Engineer and an excellent artist. I couldn’t even look at his paintings after he died but recently I hung them all and I think about him and remember him painting them. It is painful when others have no interest. My sister wouldn’t even visit my Dad when he lay dying - so I stayed with him and nursed him in his final week and I was with him when he died. He was a lovely person and I miss him. My sister has made no efforts to look through his belongings - so everything is at my house. She doesn’t reply to my texts or emails. She had no contact with my parents in the last year of their lives. I try to push all that away and remember how much Dad and I loved each other. Keep searching for friends - those few people who will really listen and care about you - really are a Godsend. Love and support can come from the most unexpected sources! Keep writing here. This forum has really helped me feel less alone and to know that others understand. I start my counselling with Cruse today. Maybe have a look at their website? Have a peaceful day. Rachel.
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Dear RCB, Thank you for your message - at least I don’t feel alone and isolated by my messages (sometimes I wonder if anyone ever sees my messages). My messages are from a man who truly loved his wife, misses her and lives alone now (after nearly 8 months). Well, I put all her paintings and sketch books on her drawing board, which I recall her always working on a new sketch, paint by number and her efforts to do a masterpiece - in my mind they were all masterpieces. Yes, I told my family and her family I was doing this for her - she doesn’t deserve to be forgotten. There was not even a casual interest from anyone. I think I mentioned on another forum that I had 2 glasses of wine and listened in to my family conversations.
I plan on visiting her headstone soon, a visit basically, tell her how I’m doing and that I miss her. I wish the family could have known her as I did. She inspired me to be a better person, Sorry, I wanted to share this with anyone who will understand. I loved her so much! Thank you.
Herb
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My heart goes out to you.l understand your feelings and emotions .they say time heals but it is difficult.l lost my husband of 32 years at the end of Nov 2019 very sudden dropped dead in bed.l have been frozen solid in a state of shock and pain but trying to stay positive.the vivid virus is a double whammy. Husbands brother died of virus.l have had 6 counselling sessions but the nhs does not seem to have any resources despite the amount of people grieving.
Maureen
Thank you Maureen, for your message and welcome to the forum! This site has understanding people on it. I guess that’s why I write in sometimes, because it seems hardly anyone identifies or sympathizes with you. I know people have their own lives and problems to deal with. I do not wish to place anyone on a guilt trip — far from it - I just wanted to share the experience I had with family and friends about her - her life (at least to me) mattered. We were married for only 8 years - bought our home just 4.5 years ago. She put in so much effort and work to make it into our home. Thank you for commenting - I understand your mate died the same way my wife died - all of a sudden - what a shock it must have been for you. I hope you are OK. I too, understand your loss and grief. Thank you once again for the note of understanding.
Sincerely, Herb
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Just felt for you and wanted to reply. You dont need to get over it at all if you don’t feel like it, death of someone close is not something we get over but in time the pain should get less. Yes it is totally understandable that you want to share your memories and unfortunately they probably just wanted to celebrate coming out of lockdown. What you need to do is contact some of maybe your wife’s friends and other people that you were both friends with and see if they want to share memories that you all shared together. Its about sharing with people who want to remember and some people want to do that and some just aren’t interested. Sometimes though they don’t want to share like that at that type of gathering but will share one on one. Tell them that you are not doing ok and would like some support. Maybe they would give you more support if they knew how you felt you need to give them that chance and if they are not able to do this then you need to get the support from people who understands or wants to remember. It might surprise you who wants to share your memories the most. Maybe you have grandchildren who are interested in what there gran was like when she was their age. Maybe you could ask them about a special day for their gran and how would they like to remember her.
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Dear MeeBee, You do bring up a good point — I feel you are correct in your feedback. However, my wife came from a family of recluses and private people. I have brought my wife’s the matter to them a few times already (that doesn’t mean I gave up). I can do this for her. But at times I have come against a stone wall, either thru discomfort or maybe guilt, but I can go beyond my limits. Thank you for the advice.
Herb
Hi Herb, I think it’s lovely that you put all of your wife’s work together and you want to remember and celebrate all her talent. Initially, it was too painful for me to look at my Dad’s paintings but now, I can look at them, and remember how happy and relaxed he was - when painting. I also remember the times that we painted together. I hope your visit to her headstone is peaceful and you can tell her everything that you need to, how you love her and miss her. I visit my Dad’s grave nearly every other day - but then I visited him daily at the Care Home. I just chat to him, read Psalms and sing to him. The cemetery is lovely and peaceful, well-maintained and visited by many in the town. Last time I went, an entire family were singing Happy Birthday to their loved one… You do whatever you need to do and say whatever you need to say x Lots of people here are looking out for your messages. At my Dad’s funeral, the Vicar said that grief is the price we pay for love. Love really is everything. I wish you peace and I shall be thinking of you. Rachel x
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What beautiful words. please if you feel like it share your dads work somewhere online. My dad wrote a novel about a cowboy which I typed up and published on blurb and gave him a copy for his 60th birthday, the year before he died.
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Well you tried and I only gave the advice because I hoped that you had someone to give you the support you needed. Just read rcb post too about your wifes work so I looked back to see what else was being said when I gave you the advice that was the only post I had read. Sorry about her family but you know what you said about her inspiring you to be a better person and how you wish the family had known her in the same way you did is beautiful and inspiring it is how anyone would wish to be loved and it doesn’t matter how long you had that because that kind of love transends time and space. Also if you wish to publish her works into a book you can do that on blurb. Remember her whichever way makes you happy. I think what you did was lovely.
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Dear Ladies, I loved your kind messages. If you had known my wife, as I did, you would have loved her. She was a kind, gentle and loving person - I feel her family and mine too mis-understood her. My time with her
showed me that she was brought up very well, and she was not a rebellious person - I caught that almost immediately when I first met her. Of course, I had my suspicions, but time proved me wrong - there are good people in this world. This is what I truly miss about her. She never complained that much unless I screwed up (I take my share of the blame for my failures, of course. I have learned much from this experience. (I sometimes think the Apostle Paul - he started off as a persecutor but ended up as a godly man who wrote the epistles in the new testament. I love the way some people show a gentle and kind spirit in their lives - sometimes you can see it or sense it. I have - that’s s why I come back here. Thank you all for your concern and kind thoughts. May God bless all of you.
Herb
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