This is my first post and to do this tells me I am desperate for advice. My mum died in February after a 3 year long illness where she was in and out of hospital, at crisis point each time. She always rallied round but it was always a case of waiting for the next attack to happen which left me in a constant state of fear. I couldn’t continue with my own family life the way I should have because I was always ‘on call’ and filled with dread.
My mums passing ended up being horrendous like something out of the Exorcist and I dealt with it like a trouper comforting all the relatives who were devastated and taking all the pressure of my dad where I could as he is in bad health himself. After she passed I felt a relief from the dread I had each day. I arranged everything funeral wise and was fine. I was so proud of myself for having it all together and felt like I was able to be like this because I had grieved for her while she was still alive.
Four months on and we have just moved house. The minute I walked through the door I felt something in my stomach that has made it impossible for me to eat for the last five days since we moved in. I cannot stop crying, I am scared, I feel feeble and vulnerable and I wish I’d never moved. I want my safe haven back and the emotions I am feeling are crushing. I feel lost at sea.
The house we have moved to is huge and imposing and I now realise that this is not ‘me’. I am a council estate girl from humble but perfect beginnings and don’t want for much. My partners business has taken off and so we could afford to buy this place so I know we are lucky but I just need and want my safe haven semi detached place back.
Are my negative feelings towards the house real or is it delayed grief finally calling on me? I cry in front of people I wouldn’t normally dream of. I feel I am being assaulted by every unwelcome emotion possible and I’ve no inclination to do anything. No decorating or even cooking tea for my children. Please be honest with me I need all the help I can get and I thank you in advance for reading my ramblings.