Delayed reaction

My husband passed away quite suddenly on 19th May 2017. I was devastated but with support from family and especially my daughter I felt I was coping and able to move forward. I moved to be nearer my daughter. I have never lived alone and whilst this has been challenging at times, again I felt I was coping. I woke up crying after very bad dreams on January 14th this year. Since then I have been overwhelmed with a sense of loss and sadness. I am bewildered why this has just happened like that and so suddenly. I have never felt like this in my entire life. I am waiting for bereavement counselling and have been given anti depression medication by my doctor. I have not had a complete day since January when I could honestly say I did not feel so sad and alone.

Hi Brenda T, I’m very sorry to hear that your husband passed away quite suddenly in May 2017 and that you’re feeling overwhelmed with loss and sadness. It’s quite common to experience a delayed reaction to a loss, particularly if you’re well supported as it sounds like you have been. How grief changes with time is often talked about in this community, as it doesn’t follow a set path and can be unpredictable - you’re not alone here.

We have an article on our website that may be of some interest to you as it talks about some of the things you’ve mentioned:

I hope you find bereavement counselling supportive and helpful.

Take care and do let us know if there’s anything we can do to support you.

Thank you so much. I am trying hard to overcome this but most of my family live in Newcastle upon Tyne whilst I now live in Lancashire near my daughter. I thought I was beginning to improve but my daughter has gone away today until Friday and don’t know how I am going to cope until she is back. It’s not that I am always bothering her it’s just knowing that she is there. I know she was worried about leaving me but she has to be able to live her life and I assured her I would be fine. I know I will be but it hasn’t stopped me from being distressed all day and the feeling of loss again is so overpowering.

I understand what you mean about your daughter being there, Brenda. It’s reassuring isn’t it to know that someone is physically close by just in case - it can make you feel more confident. Do you have any friends close by, or maybe someone you can call one afternoon for a chat? This community will be here to turn to, if you need. Whether you just have a read through the posts, or want to join in on any conversations. Take care - give me a shout if there’s anything I can do.

Hi Brenda. I’m in Lancashire and although I’m not much help to myself right now never mind anyone else maybe, I could try to make you feel a tiny bit better. If you want a chat send me a personal message. I’m local to you, same county at least, that’s a start! x

Hello. Thank you so much for your message. I feel a bit pathetic really but have never experienced anything like this before. It’s like I have no control over my emotions. I hope my daughter has a super break and she has gone away in the past so I just don’t understand why I feel like I do. x

I was always a very confident person Brenda. But I don’t feel I am anymore. Since the death of my beautiful husband on 31 January. I actually feel like a completely different person in so many ways. I hardly recognise myself right now really. You’re certainly not alone and you certainly shouldn’t feel pathetic because you’re not. Chat whenever you like. The support and encouragement on this forum is amazing. We’re all struggling in our own ways and some of our struggles are the same as each other’s. It pretty unbearable pain and heartbreak most of the time. I think I’m just very aware that neither me or my life will ever be the same again. How could it be when half of me, and my life, is now missing. We’re all getting through the days the best way we can. Take care Brenda and contact me whenever you feel the need. Hug for you x

Hi’ I am so sorry to learn about your husband. It is very early days for you. If you were like myself and my husband we did everything together and I think this males things even worse. He was my second husband but we met when I was 14 years old and were together for 3 years and even got engaged. We went our separate ways and each lived full lives. We met again in 1997 with both of our marriages ended and it was like the years in between had never happened. We married and at least had almost 20 years together for which I am ever thankful. I try to fill my life and keep busy with voluntary work and hobbies. it is very hard but felt I was doing alright until this delayed grief hit me. I kept my husbands ashes as we had agreed they should be scattered in the River Tyne, Newcastle upon Tyne where we both originate from. I felt I was ready to do this so chose his birthday on 28th December 2018 to do this. Together with myI daughter, step-daughter and other family members we were able to do this very close to the place that he was born. I actually felt at peace that I was able to do this last thing for him but 2 weeks later I woke up sobbing and this feeling of being cloaked in sadness began. My Doctor thinks that this was the trigger to my delayed grief as whilst I had the ashes he was not gone. So I am trying to come to terms once again with his loss. I know I will eventually do so but it’s very hard.