Denial and shock still after three weeks?

My fiancé died three weeks ago today, and I feel that even now I am still in shock and unable to accept that it’s happened. Can anyone else relate to this? He died in Brazil, and because of coronavirus we hadn’t been able to see each other since last spring. He was buried two days later and I refused to receive photos from the vigil and burial. His family refused a post mortem (he had a heart attack at 36), so his friends and I have been trying to work out for ourselves exactly how he died. My contact with his family ended a week ago, and after a brief outpouring of grief on social media, they have now resumed their normal lives. A tiny part of me still wonders if it’s all a terrible mistake or a cruel hoax.

I can’t bear to look at photos of my fiancé or hear his voice. If I even start to think about the person who has been lost, or the fact that he’s actually dead and I will never see him again, I start to feel physically sick and have to think about something else. It is complicated by the fact that I have discovered since he died that he had lied about the amount of money he was earning to try to come to the UK (a tenth of what he had said), and that he had been having an affair which has resulted in a pregnancy. In addition, his mother has blamed me for his death. I feel dreadfully conflicted and don’t know how I can ever start to process all of this. Can anybody understand what I mean?


Hi xiisoleh… i am terribly sorry for your loss.
I also havent met my late boyfriend for such long time because of the pandemic… only to mourn for his death from the same virus months later.
I also can’t accept the fact that he’s gone forever… wishing every minute that it’s a joke or a dream. It shocks me every time when remembering he’s not here with me anymore. Makes me regret every decision I didn’t make that might have made him happier when he was still alive.

That relationship between you and his family seems very complicated and probably adds up to the pain in your heart… Also the facts you discovered about his lies sounds heartbreaking… I feel really sorry for that and really hope everything clears up in the end, and you would see better days. Until then, I think we all have the rights to grieve and slowly grasp all this…

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How do you go from being in love making goals having dreams to having your heart torn from your chest, having your dreams taken from you, your motivation drained away.
Waking up seeing the spot your loved one used to lay in losing your best friend, life just seems so pointless and empty, food is tasteless conversation with friends a simple background noise.

All that is left is regret of not doing more regret instead of having a great day it was too hot and you spent it moaning, so many little things we could have done differently but it’s too late there gone and we’re stuck in limbo.

I don’t have any advice or words of encouragement, I think I died that day too my body just hadn’t realised but I hope somehow someday our broken hearts heal just enough that waking up isn’t painful and our eyes can go a day without watering.

I hope anyone that reads this finds there way on this shitty journey we are all on, you all have my deepest sympathy

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