My fiancé died three weeks ago today, and I feel that even now I am still in shock and unable to accept that it’s happened. Can anyone else relate to this? He died in Brazil, and because of coronavirus we hadn’t been able to see each other since last spring. He was buried two days later and I refused to receive photos from the vigil and burial. His family refused a post mortem (he had a heart attack at 36), so his friends and I have been trying to work out for ourselves exactly how he died. My contact with his family ended a week ago, and after a brief outpouring of grief on social media, they have now resumed their normal lives. A tiny part of me still wonders if it’s all a terrible mistake or a cruel hoax.
I can’t bear to look at photos of my fiancé or hear his voice. If I even start to think about the person who has been lost, or the fact that he’s actually dead and I will never see him again, I start to feel physically sick and have to think about something else. It is complicated by the fact that I have discovered since he died that he had lied about the amount of money he was earning to try to come to the UK (a tenth of what he had said), and that he had been having an affair which has resulted in a pregnancy. In addition, his mother has blamed me for his death. I feel dreadfully conflicted and don’t know how I can ever start to process all of this. Can anybody understand what I mean?