I have fallen into depression. A big black hole that i cant climb out of.
I loss my mum on 12 February.
I lived with her, she listened to me. I still look in her bedroom to see if she is there.
I cant accept she has gone.
I have never felt such distress in my life.
I have to ring the samaritans every day. It helps to talk
I feel so alone.
I lost my dad 20 months ago.
I know i am ill, its not just grief its depression.
I struggle to get to sleep.
I dont know what else to put.
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It’s such are hard time to deal with. Have you seen your GP? There is lots of help available to treat depression. I hope you can find the help you need. X
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Titch
Please go to see your GP to help you with your depression
Hallo Tich3,
Maybe if I share how I feel we can communicate,
I too lost loved ones! My sister earlier last year after visiting her in Sacramento, we hadn’t seen eachother for over 30 years due to family issues, I stopped in San Francisco on my way to work in Honduras she met me there with Veronica her daughter and we drank a bottle of champagne as a celebration, but I had to continue. After I returned home, our family was having problems due to my mother’s health and situation, so my wife and I decided I should visit them and get some things done, Heidi my wife decided I should go alone, upon returning home in Germany I received news my sister had died, my wife supported my loss, held me up. We, my wife and I were going through some business problems which she refused to face, instead she made every day a happy one for us.
Confronting our financial issues was taboo and she just wanted us to be ok, on the 12th of February she developed a stomach ache, I begged her that we go to hospital and doctor but she refused constantly and finally agreed to go the next morning to the doctors, the night was painful, I couldn’t leave her side, that morning of the 13th this February we agreed and as I walked to get dressed she collapsed on our couch, my baby was dying and I tried to get her back, 911 my neighbors I screamed for help
I took her in my arms as she looked up and tried everything? Followed instructions from emergency medical until the ambulance arrived with medics, laying her on our living room I massaged as instructed, all I could do was try not to hurt her and begged her to please come back and continued pressing but her eyes looked at me as she was living me, she died in my arms, all I could see was my world departing from me. I lost her before she was taken away,
The medics asked me what she wanted and said do everything possible please, his response was that no blood was being pumped from her heart that an artery had broken, when I got to the hospital I found her laying on a bed as she would be sleeping but she was gone. I spent the time they gave me but I couldn’t leave her, my beautiful wife’s eyes looked up, her gorgeous hands, fingernails she was so proud to have were just there, I was dreaming? A nightmare
I wanted to wake up! But no! I lost my wonderful wife, the pain is getting worse as each day passes, her memories are all around me
At times I think she’s cooking or cleaning something in our home, the noise the stove makes hits my heart because she always made that noise when she prepared anything, her perfumes and clothes are all over the place, sometimes I hug her coat still hanging in the hallway, I can’t take them off I think she is going to walk in or I’ll find her in the other room cleaning or folding clothes. She did everything, the cups for coffee she picked, my hands trembling each day I drink from the cups, I can’t breathe, i break out crying, I can’t sleep without taking a pill, if I don’t take it I toss and turn until morning then I’m tired, confused not knowing what to do, I search for things to plan, I write down what I should do, even then I find notes she wrote and again my pain returns.
I feel all alone, no one calls me to ask how I am doing, her family abandoned me completely, she was the only connection to them, each day is worse it’s not getting any better.
I need help and don’t know where to find it, I run to any church and search for priests to confess my sins so I can imagine god will forgive me for anything or everything I did wrong when she was alive, I feel so guilty inside for arguing, causing stress, problems, stupid things I said
For not telling her how much I loved her each day as she did to me. Even the day before her death she walked around the bed where I was laying and threw me a kiss, rubbing my forehead and said ( I love you baby ) I couldn’t have imagined that those were the last time I would hear her voice.
Now, I feel pressure from people who think they are helping me ( preacher ) they suggest I get rid off everything but I can’t or I won’t I try to avoid them by not answering their calls, I’ve searched the internet for advice or how to cope with this situation, I found this website we’re on and now I’m telling my experience? Or am I just venting?
I don’t know! The house is full of her clothes and memories, but as I walk by them or stare at them I brake down, I wish her back!
I can’t shower without crying or shave without shaking, I have to hold the razor with both hands, I tremble when I use the brushes, I don’t know what to clean, I didn’t even know how to use the washer machine or wash clothes, how to decal the coffee machine she did all those things. I’m hopeless and in need of help because I don’t know what to do
Please forgive me for taking your time but I think we share the same feelings?
I hope that you find peace which I am also looking for
Let’s hope we find it
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Couldnt getva face to face even though i rang at 8. Got a telephone appointment sometime this afternoon hopefully with a GP. Thank you
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That’s a good place to start. Keep going x
They didnt help. There is no help.
Ive been teying for years to ger help.
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I’m sorry you didn’t find the GP helpful, @Titch3. It was really brave of you to make that appointment. Please do keep trying - is there another GP you can speak to? You deserve care and support.
I’m glad the Samaritans have been helpful. If things get worse, and you feel like you need urgent help, here are some options:
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You can call 111 and choose the mental health option to speak to a trained mental health professional (England, Scotland and Wales only)
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You can find your local NHS urgent mental health helpline
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If you feel like you might harm yourself, you can go to A&E, or call 999 for urgent help.
Please do keep reaching out 
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Thank you. I did go to a and e 16 miles away on saturday but not got any further. The local crisis team i am not open to apparently. I just have to take an extra half a tablet but it makes me confused.
I miss my mum, im not used to being on my own.
Nearly signed real name !!!
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