your sentiments I know so well.
I used to be all those things too. well-dressed, creative, interested, dreamer, doer. love is certainly the big motivator.
it just shows how very important love is to life.
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You have expressed that so well… I didn’t know… I spent 18 years single, brought my children up more or less single handedly, believing I did not need to be in a relationship, believing that it could not add to my life and then I met him… it changed me, I found contentment, a.contentment I didn’t know.existed. Now, from a person.who is fiercely independent I am left literally feeling as.if he has taken half of me.with him. That is.something, a.side.of.me.I.felt.wasnt possible x And now, I.just don’t care, how good bad.or.ugly I look, nothing matters because he isn’t here.
Regardless of.that, I am.feeling a little better and not.somlow.so.finhers crossed for me.but, gosh it takes it out of you, it takes every thing and it’s a long arduous journey x
Love to all Cinders x
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Dear Norton 54. I could not tell how many times I have cried in inside or outward i have cried over the loss of my own wife’s death ---- that’s right - her death. It’s not a matter of who owns what -----In my case, , who cares! so why should I care???///
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Dear Cinders21,
I am so sorry for what you have been through. It has been a double whammy for you with illness on top of bereavement.
I am so glad you are getting help and I wish you well. It is a long hard road we have to travel, but thankfully, w3 are all here for one another. Hugs, Ann x
Dear norton54 (Pat), I’m in the same boat as you Pat, For me it’s been about 18 months. How I got thru - only God knows — I relive my wife’s last day that she died every now and then — weekends are especially tough because the lockdown has put everything “on hold” — I sleep in late at times, just waiting for a day when I can see the sun shining with a blue sky — really that’s all I can live for now. I have heard of a few men who seem to want to celebrate the passing of a wife —so they can be free ---- not me! I admire that you had your wife for 50 years - mine was for a ere 8 year - not that that matters, we are both grieving the loss of one that we both loved and would have died for . I know I would have died for her - she was such a gentle and loving person. She was a simple person in life - I wanted her to be happy and did the best I could each day It wasn’t perfect but I knew where I belonged. It was always with her. I truly loved her as you would do too. Please accept my encouragement for your loss. I miss her so much! Take care my friend!
Herb (aka greencat1950)
it’s 4.25am and I’ve been awake for a bit feeling like I might be sick on myself but unable to move. It’s passing now and is not a physical illness it was that I woke up and was thinking this is really real. He’s never coming back. My hands are so clammy always that my phone wont recognise my fingerprint. My left side of my chest hurts and breathing is hard until I remember all the exercises therapist told me that are mainly exhaling for a long time. I’m sorry I don’t reply to your posts because I am too wrapped up on my own terror right now but I’m here too.
Writing made me calm a bit so I’ll get up to restart my bedtime ritual and try to go back to sleep. I’ve got a meeting at 8.30am for work where I act like a normal person when I can. It’s so hard everyone isn’t it.
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Now it’s almost 5am. I got up went to the bathroom, had a drink of water, got back in bed but then wanted to check on my house and cats so looked on the cameras. They must be awake too as the motion lights are on but I can’t see them. So I look for pictures, I want to see his face. Find one of him watching TV with Benjy. the next one he looks at Benjy. the next one he looks at me smiling… where is he. REM song is playing in my head. Oh no I’ve said too much. I think too much. I’ll try again reading for a bit.
One day at a time x x
I keep waking up with a tight chest
Itmustbe our normal
Have a good day.
Ron
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Thank you Ron. After the horrible night/morning my day at least was better.
Hope you are managing this evening. Take care.
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Hope you’re feeling better x Its mind blowing when that reality smacks again.
I’ve been feeling better but I also feel exhausted, very drained.
Love to all
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I’ve had a surprisingly good day gardening for a few hours at home today and feeling OK. It is six months tomorrow for me and he died on a Monday so it’s one of those sick anniversary type things you can’t help thinking about though you try not to. I ordered an urn today that should arrive in the next week or so and then I’ll try to get the guts to collect his ashes.
There is hope after today though, the cats and I enjoyed being alive together for several hours. I hope you all are finding some way to relieve the pain this evening, take care x
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Hold onto this. Next time you have a bad night… remember that feeling and know that it will pass xxx
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6 years on from losing my daughter (I thought I was doing well with new career etc) grief, physical anxiety (tremors, weakness, pains, head buzzing, diahorrea) and terrible feelings of fear and loneliness plague me day and night. I am shocked by this. I thought I had overcome most of the grief.
This is the nasty combination of grief and lockdown I think. Things will change soon though.
Tenalady thinking of you today Perth x
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Totally inappropriate laugher but I think that’s the best autocorrect I’ve ever seen
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That is actually funny although I’ve even seen a tena in my life so more like TennerLady lol
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Hi Terry Lady. I have a friend who lost her son to suicide. She couldn’t get out of bed and cried for about two years whenever I spoke to her. She didn’t want to live. Two years later her daughter did the same thing. It destroyed her because she timed it to co inside with her brother’s birthday. All this happened about nine years ago and my friend still has no interest in life. I couldn’t understand that time had not taken away the pain but then my husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and died 2 yrs ago. It is as though it happened yesterday. I now understand what my friend went through. Grief is un measurable. I too will never be the same again.
I hope you get some days when you feel able to cope again but it is such a massive shock to the system.
Hi AngieJo
It is a massive shock and seems to affect everything about a bereaved person and their life.
I’m sorry to hear of your loss. Pancreatic cancer is often so aggressive and sort of determined. Other cancers may be treated or don’t progress rapidly. My daughter had a very rare cancer so there wasn’t much treatment for it.
You say about it seeming like yesterday. I seem to find that the past is clearer as time has gone on. Yesterday I was out and about and was ok and Googled a map direction. It came up with the hospital photo of the car park at night with all the orange streetlamps on. This set me right off as it came back with ultra clarity the dreadful night when my daughter died and I drove in the night and parked in that car park with those lights and no other cars there. It was eerie as the hospital was shut. All the doors were locked and security wouldn’t let me in. I had to shout and bang on the doors and run round to the kitchen entrance to get in. I knew she was dying and was so frustrated. I did get in in time. But I hadn’t remembered that until yesterday when the picture flashed up. That was 7 years ago now but time has no real meaning in the mind.
I have recognised though that each crying time is different for me. Different memories and feelings which shows that progress is happening. I hope that one day, I will have happiness in my life with my daughters perceived approval and no guilt on my part. Seems like the heartbreak will continue til then though. That’s harder I think if you lost your life partner.
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