Why did people stop caring? My mum passed away 7 weeks ago. I’m not coping at all well with it. I’ve 2 children aged 7 and 2 so I have to carry on for them. Their dad left 2 years ago. He was brilliant to start with after mum but since the funeral we don’t see or hear from him much. In fact he’s decided now is an appropriate time to discuss selling our home so he can buy his own house. Which I can’t cope with at the moment. He can be quite the bully as can his family. I think his mum and dad are on his back as he’s staying with them and they want him to move out. But I also don’t hear from anyone else. We don’t have a big family. Was only me, mum and my sister so now just me and my sister. My dad left 15 years ago and he called me the night mum was taken to hospital (she passed away and was gone too long but they got her pulse back) saying about cremation or burial. I did shout at him as I was obviously very upset and he said he’ll speak to me when I’ve calmed down. Not heard a peep from him since. In all honesty I feel like I have no one and I’m feeling pretty hopeless and desperate at the moment. Sorry for the negative post.
Love to you all.
I do not know why people stop caring or abandon us. I think it is because they can’t handle our grieving and unfortunately we aren’t really shown the proper way to support grieving people (us). This is my opinion and my observation, they don’t like seeing us sad and don’t really understand how to provide the comfort we need. I know what I need as a grieving spouse but nobody can seem to provide any comfort since I cry whenever I start to talk about my loving wife and nobody wants to see a 62 year old man crying. Take care, John
It just makes you feel so isolated and alone when you already feel that way enough as it is. And I am angry. During lockdown my neighbours took down a fence panel as was on my own with kids. When mum was in hospital and they knew it wasn’t good the panel was put back up, screwed in and hasn’t come down since. My neighbour has been over a couple of times but don’t hear from them often. I sit and look at that panel and get so cross. It’s a constant door in my face if you know what I mean? Sounds silly I suppose. I know I’d be there for other people as I have been in the past. Just adds even more pain and hurt to the extreme pain and hurt we already feel.
Take care of yourself too. We are all here for each other.
Nic, I do understand in my own way what you mean about the door in your face. When my loving wife of 35 years died , I thought that her family would be there for our son and me because I had known them for over half of their lives. But they really didn’t seem to care, there was some support from 2 at first but now nothing since MIL died also. I try to keep going but it is just so hard when you don’t have any sort of support from people that knew the person you lost. They don’t seem to understand that we really need to talk about the loss, at least I do. Take care, John
Yes we do need support and I want to talk about mum! They knew her as she used to come and spend time with me and the girls in the garden during lockdown and would chat to her and her dog. My friend who’s own mum died said he was going to come over last week. Didn’t hear a peep. I know it maybe brings things back but if anyone understands…. I just don’t know.
One of my loving wife’s Aunts who was here for us after my loving wife died and then when her Sister died (MIL) also suffered 2 strokes and then lost her oldest Daughter in October 2021. I can understand why she isn’t here anymore, she has so much that she is dealing with. But the rest of her family I don’t understand them and why they didn’t really seem to care that THEIR Niece died and then THEIR Sister (MIL) died. I know if my loving wife’s Grandparents were still alive they would have been very disappointed in their Daughters. Grief is so personal and it really can be so overwhelming sometimes, and we need human interaction. I have very little of that and I think it is one of my ongoing reasons this is really hard. I am also dealing with many legal issues and they are seemingly always being delayed so there is that added stress also. Take care, John
I am sorry that you or any of us have been abandoned or deserted. When my loving wife died 13 months ago(almost) one of her best friends from her school years was texting me. I knew her because I had actually met my loving wife indirectly through her and worked with her. She said that she wanted to actually have phone conversations about my loving wife because she missed her and then she quit texting me when I told her when I was available to talk. And that is basically how it has been with anyone who I have contacted. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but they just don’t seem to care about the surviving spouse. I sadly am not sure that the younger generation will be like us. I say that because long term relations don’t seem to matter to them so they may not have that connection and feel that loss. As I have said I have grieved for many people in my lifetime but none have hurt like losing my loving wife. I have known some people who were sadder that a close friend died than a spouse. I think my MIL was one of those because her Husband was an alcoholic and not really a nice man and when he died she was relieved and she got used to being alone. My loving wife and I took her on vacations with us ever since our son was born and she came to our house every other weekend too. And all of this even though she really didn’t like me but tolerated me because of my loving wife and our son. Then when she was diagnosed with dementia in 2016 we moved her in with us so we could care for her. When my loving wife died ,I continued to care for her until she died in August. I only say that because my loving wife and I always felt that if and when we needed help from our son he wouldn’t be there for us and we would have to rely on each other. Now there is no US and it scares me and I really don’t want to be all alone. I never wanted to be alone which is why I was married and it wasn’t supposed to end this way. Sorry this is a novel, but when I start venting or writing it just keeps flowing. Take care, John
I understand in my own way what you have written, My life wasn’t quite as hard as yours and I was born in 1959. However my Mother died when I was 2 and my so called Father was left with 3 young boys and he was an alcoholic. We had a harsh young life until I was 11 and my Mothers Aunt and Uncle took me in and finished raising me, but they were also alcoholics. It made me never want to drink, and sadly my loving wife’s Mother and her Husband were also alcoholics and it was interesting when my loving wife and I first got together. I had said that everything that had happened to my loving wife and I prior to meeting is why we fell in love with each other. And everything that happened after that is why we stayed married and together. The younger generation doesn’t want to deal with any kinds of the issues we dealt with and they just won’t ever understand what it was like. I know I sometimes sound like an old man when I say things like that, but in reality I am and old man to many. Take care, John
I found the music by Eric Carmen “all by myself” pretty much explains how life is for me, and probably most people on this site, and there is a line “Living alone I think of all the friends I’ve known But when I dial the telephone Nobody’s home” pretty much says it all , they never tell you about abandonment when you Grieve, thankfully I do get to see my children and grandchildren but all our Friends have vanished.
You are doing what the old “bumper sticker” used to say, we are spending our kid’s inheritance. I am in a similar situation but different too, our son lives with me but he really only interacts with me if he needs something. But that has been how he has always been even when my loving wife was alive. We actually had jokes many times and “caught” him ready to ask us for something. I am also spending MY money because what I have now id from my loving wife’s hard work and she never got to enjoy any of it. It all will go to our son when I die but I will not deprive myself of something anymore for his benefit. Take care, John
Dear Daisy rose I have just read your message on the site. I do understand how you must feel. My beloved husband only left me two weeks ago but I already feel abandoned by family. I think they were trying to help me but have taken over funeral arrangements without any discussion with me. I know what kind of funeral he wanted but these have been ignored by my family. They have not been in touch with me for days now and it is so hard to understand. I am determined to give him the funeral he wanted but I am afraid family members will not forgive me for this but I have to put his wishes first. Like you I do not understand family not wanting his wishes put first.
I am sorry for your loss. I can’t speak for why families do or don’t listen when we speak or try to speak. I, myself would not allow anyone else to go against what I know my loved one wanted because it would haunt me afterwards. And I am already haunted by too much as it is. Try to stand up to them and if they don’t understand he was your Husband and nobody knows him like you do. Not sure if that helps. Take care, John
Thanks so much for your lovely reply. I will give my husband what he and I wanted but I am afraid it will upset what others want. They are already taking over all arrangements and not including me In decisions. I am concerned it may cause a family split which I do not want. As it is the hospital is bypassing me and just giving information to others. All I want is Geoff to have his wishes carried out. Many thanks again. Carol
Sadly a death is a terrible event and emotions are very high. I have read too many times that families have been split over them. If it is going to happen, personally I would do what I know is what my loved one wanted. If the family won’t accept that it is your decision they probably aren’t going to be there anyway. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it has been my experience. Take care, John
Alas family will always distance themselves from you, Lucy always said don’t trust friends and family after you have passed away, they will attend your funeral,but days after that, you are on your own, Lucy was always right
I had to be strong about the funeral as my husband’s mother wanted lots of people there. Our children and me wanted a very small, private funeral. I choose to put the children first as I know my husband would have. I do feel sorry for my mother in law. Even though we were married for over forty years she still struggled to understand why I got to make the decisions. I don’t regret those decisions. Hope you can find a way of communicating with your family.