After reading some of the posts here I thought I’d put this forward as I’d really like your thoughts.
My beloved husband died five years ago which to say the least was devastating for all concerned and I am fully aware that a lot of my family are still experiencing pain because of this.
What I don’t understand is why I have been cast aside. We have two grown up daughters and each has their own family which needs their love and attention. I don’t think I am an exceptionally needy person but I would still have loved to have been a valued part of the family we loved and raised.
Today, Mothers Day, my youngest daughter has told me that although she thinks she’s being rude to ignore my calls she wants to distance herself from the family she grew up in. I have respected her wishes not to call too often and I have thought that this could be her way of grieving but it’s devastating to be told this, she won’t talk about her reasons and I am left feeling gutted that she feels the need to do this.
Have other people experienced this kind desertion from their families?
I just don’t understand it.
Daisyrose, it’s funny how the death of someone has far reaching impact. I am sorry about your daughter and today it would have been nice for you if she had contacted you. I hope in time she will see that you need her and that she really does need you. You sound such a nice and understanding mum and given time things will change. Bless you. From one mum to another, happy Mother’s Day.
I feel a bit like you. My daughter died tragically in January. My sister has behaved in a way that has really hurt me. She turned up as late as possible the day before the funeral and refused to help and intended to leave early the day after the funeral. I had her husband screaming at me that she’s 63 and got arthritis and I’m asking her to drive 90 miles. She just doesn’t seem to understand the enormity of my loss. She also sent me a really nasty text, which is out of character. It feels like she’s another loss and our relationship is no longer close. At the same time my son in law is erratic and nasty too.
He’s more or less bullied my eldest grandaughter to go live with him (tho he’s homeless and sleeping on sofas) saying it would be selfish to want to live with me, she’s 15, she asked to live with me and I think it would have worked, he intimidated and bullied her, in my house. In the end she went back to him. His mother was continually telling me what to do and telling her grandaugher not to listen to me, cos I’m not in charge. Yet she asked herself for me to have her with me. Indeed she supervised the moving in of her furniture. She treated my house as if it was her sons old house. Inviting people round and interfering in my life. She even kept telling me how ‘lucky’ I was. In the end I told her not to come in. That resulted in more intimidation for her son. As things stand I feel like I’ve lost my daughter forever and my grandkids are not in a good place with their father. I feel invisible in my grief and anguish.
I feel for you, I really do. Your situation sounds truly awful and I’m so sorry you are going through it.
I know what you mean about feeling invisible, I have felt like that too as I’m sure others here have at times. I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on my worst enemy.
Thank you for your reply, it must have taken courage to write and I really hope things improve for you very soon, grief is bad enough when we lose a loved one but to feel abandoned too is just too much.
Look after yourself.
Thought it was only me. Fifteen months since my husband died. For the first month after he died my two sons were very supportive. Then they expected me to live my own life. Thankfully I have some amazing friends who make sure that I am o. k
Isn’t it weird? Do our families think we’re made of stone?
I’m sorry this happening to you too Carol and Sheila.
Neither of my daughters have easy lives and I never expected to live in their pockets, I would have supported them in any way that I could despite my own grief but I was never given that opportunity.
It beggars belief!
I am so sorry. Yet this happens.
People in my family have behaved
in horrible ways to me. I don’t understand it, I never will.
I think about this a lot trying to understand, trying to find the reasons or excuses my family might have. I’d rather understand than fall into being full of sorrow and loneliness.
I have come to the conclusion that my lovely husband was the glue that kept our family together while I was busy washing, ironing, cooking etc
My heart goes out to you Lonely. There seems to be no remedy for this heart rending situation. I’m close to giving up on one of my daughters but I can’t do that even though I have to put up with the rejections. If there was only an explanation I feel that something could be done.
Surely no one deserves this?
My loving wife and I were together for 35 years and married for 34. Early on in the marriage we were always invited to her Grandparents house for family gatherings. My loving wife’s family was always there and everyone seemed to have a good time. In 2007 both Grandparents died and the family drifted apart. We kept in touch with one of my wife’s Aunts who was only 5 years older than my loving wife. When MIL was diagnosed with dementia in 2016 she moved in with us and my loving wife and I cared for her. I cared for her while my loving wife was at work and then when she came home I cared for a friend of mine also. There were occasional phone calls from my loving wife’s family but not much. When MIL broke her hip and was in the Hospital only 2 of her 4 sisters were concerned. I never understood anything but it wasn’t my family so I didn’t question anything. When my loving wife died in March 2021 and only the same 2 sisters even bothered to check on MIL and me and our son. I thought that my loving wife’s family loved her, but I guess they really didn’t. I knew I wasn’t family but I have known all of them for more than half of their lives and none seemed to care. They made the comments about what they should have done but that was all. When MIL died in August only 1 sister bothered to check on me and our son and then she ended up having 2 strokes and her Daughter died in October. None of her sisters bothered to console her on her loss either. I say all of this because grief is a weird thing, some people will go out of their way to avoid dealing with it. If not for these grief forums I would probably be a bigger mess than I am. This may not fully make sense and there is so much more to all of the story. As many if not all of you are aware grief brain is a terrible thing and my thoughts don’t always come out right. Take care, John
I am amazed that so many of us experience this. I really thought that families pulled together at times like these but I have obviously been very wrong about that. That has been my experience in the past. I remember the things my mum used to say and she was always uniting our family and friends after any distressing event and she was brilliant at it.
You have had a tough time @john9 and I’m sorry to read about your experiences with this aspect of grief. Thank you for sharing it
Goodness it makes you wonder how we all get through this at all!
I’m wondering how we ever get through this mayself. I miss my daughter and the pain is dreadful. My sister sends me a two line text. Asking if I’m ok. I sometimes wonder if our pain is so great that it frightens some people. The whole subject of death feels taboo with so many. I’ve had people I’ve known for years avoid me. Since the funeral it’s like people don’t want to see my misery. I’ve even had someone say, get back in touch when your better. It feels like some people want to avoid any reminders of their own mortality, or maybe it reminds them too much of their own losses. I don’t know but for some, compassion ends after the funeral.
All that you have said is so true @Nell2 , it’s all very sad. Thank goodness we have each other here
I’ve had that same thing happen with my daughters family. They seem to enjoy secrets too and not sharing information. I gave it a lot of thought and now if I get the same old two line texts that seem impersonal I just don’t answer them at all. It’s the only thing I can control. It still hurts tho.
I have said that when I die and my loving wife’s family find out, they won’t care. As for the scheduled text that would scare me, especially if the text ended up coming from someone who died. There is no real point in sending an automated text if they don’t respond. I am lucky if I here from anyone except my neighbor or our son. Our son “lives” with me but he is never here and I text him to let him know if I am going out or am awake or in bed. I tell him I love him so there will hopefully be closure for him when I die and he will know that. I hate this existence now. Take care, John
When this sort of topic comes up on the forum it makes me feel sad but it does also make me relieved that its not just me that is being ignored by family.
My daughter (my husband was not her father) lives in another country and was supportive for the first months then she asked me for money which I sent to her, but since then I have heard nothing from her,
My husband of 30 years had two daughters and neither of them or any of his family have been in touch since his funeral and I thought we all got on so well. I was so hurt and was worried I had done something wrong. I wrote and called his daughters many times but never received a reply. I left my door open to them for three years but now it is well and truly closed. I don’t need any of them. I have survived and keep busy. I see plenty of people and not lonely. I have adjusted to this new life.
I had no intention of being needy, I have always been independent but I did visualise still seeing some of his family who I got on well with but I have been totally forgotten and the family gatherings are no more for me. But when a prominent member of my husbands family died, someone we was both very close to and not one of his family thought to let me know, I knew I was no longer a member of his family.!!!
I do have my immediate family that visit and send me emails/text every few months but do wonder if they are doing this out of duty. I hope I’m wrong.
Blessings to to you all.
This whole situation is just disgraceful, I lost my wife last February after 38 years, I have two grown children both married one with 2 children, I am aware that they are grieving but a quick call or text would be nice, they only live a short distance from me, it seems I am only useful now for doing stuff for them, Pattidot I see you are on the IOW, well I have family over there including my parents for over 40 years, Strange how I get contacted when they need something done, then once its finished so does the contact, I am over there again in 4 weeks to see my mum “she has advanced dementia” I wonder how long it will take my family when they know I am over there to ask me to “pop in” I suppose it depends on if they need something done or “money” of course, neither will be forthcoming, I do have friends who are always there, its like the old saying “you cant pick your family” , my wife would be appalled!!
Blessings to you and everyone here. It seems that this becoming distant is all too common. It’s also very hurtful. I’ve certainly had a bucket of being overlooked, by very close family members. It all adds to the trauma and pain. In my case I think some of it is not wanting to admit there’s a big loss and someone’s dead. I think they prefer to wear blinkers and stay in their comfort zone. I am leaving my family to get on with it. I’ve got to get on with my life at some point largely without them. Which I am really sorry to do and miss the relationship I thought we had.
I agree with you * wise words Maria…
I know how you feel * I will think about you and send you love and good wishes*I will be looking out my window also wishing you well