It is a month since my husband passed away. He was diagnosed nine months ago with a very aggressive appendices cancer. I nursed him all the way to the end. I keep reliving his final days. The pain of watching him suffer and asking me if he could leave has left me more traumatised than I thought.
He had malignant pleural effusion and breathlessness for weeks until he had a drain put in that I drained three times a week. He suffered with pain and vomiting due to obstruction for weeks and the deterioration was excruciating to watch.
I miss him so much and feel so alone. We had so many plans. 58 is too young to die and in such distressing way,
Don’t think I will ever move on. I have four grown up children and a granddaughter who was born the day he was diagnosed but I can’t bring myself out of this big pit of anxiety and loss. I don’t see what or how to start my life again. Please help!!
I’m
@Lily12 . You will not start your life again yet, 1 month in you have a heavy trek ahead of you, believe me lm 6 months in and still cant get pass that l will not see hubby again. As you will see here we are ALL in the same pain as you, regardless of time. You need to follow your need to cry, rant & rave, however it hits you, don’t try to be strong for others, this is your time.
On this site, post, read, compare notes, its a great site to give way. Take heart that, despite those around you who are not going through the same intense grief, we KNOW what is what.
lm sending you buckets of hugs to be used as & when needed. 
Hi Lily, so very sorry for your loss. Have you approached your GP or Sue Ryder (Online Bereavement Support | Sue Ryder) to discuss some counselling/support options? You’ll experience grief differently to everyone else on here but these forums can be a source of support for us all so keep posting and having a read and hopefully you may gain some comfort from knowing you aren’t alone. Best wishes
@Lily12 I’m so sorry for your loss and in such a traumatic way. I lost my husband nearly 9 weeks ago to prostate cancer, he was 67. He was in hospital for 3 weeks but wanted home. He then got 1 week at home but was very poorly. Hopefully this forum helps you as it has me. It’s a huge comfort to speak to others who really understand the loss of a partner/soulmate. There are people on here at all different stages of the grief journey and can provide insight and advice about a lot of things. Sending hugs.
Hi @Lily12
I’m so sorry you have had to join this community. On other feeds in this community we have referred to it as the ‘s**t club’
I am 9 months 10 days in .
It’s as hard, probably harder than day 1.
But I’m still here, getting through each day. They are all sad and lonely even when I’m at work , and with other people. The missing is all consuming.
I didn’t find this community until 1 month ago. I hope you will find the comfort I have from it.
It’s just so nice to be able to read and post when you want.
You can say whatever you want. No one judges, and we all ‘get each other’
BIG BIG HUGS 
@Lily12 I’m so sorry for your loss
It is such early days for you. In the early days everything is just so raw and incomprehensible. I lost my partner unexpectedly 17 weeks ago from a heart attack. He was only 57
Just take things day by day, hour by hour if you need to.
We are all on here for the same reason. I have found this forum a lifesaver. I’ve no idea what the future holds just keep hoping each day things will improve.
Sending virtual hugs
Lily
I am so sorry for your loss
Life is definitely not fair
You will get through it
I know right now it’s extremely hard the nightmare of organising funeral sorting out all the paperwork seems like an endless task
Just do what you feel you can do
If you don’t want to get out of bed - well don’t !
It’s tiny steps your body will let you know what you are able to do and cope with
I loss my husband 5 years ago just before his 50th birthday
I am not the same person that I was with him
I still get good and bad days after all this time silly things can trigger my sadness
But I have to carry on with life he would want me too
I find I keep myself busy with work friends and family and hobbies
If I have time on my hands It tends to put me into a dark place
When my husband died I started a journal that helped me cope with my anger I could write down what I was feeling and not offend anyone
Or just share what I was doing that day
You could send text messages or emails rather than pen to paper
It’s what helps you deal with day to day and right now for you it’s probably hour to hour
In time you do learn to cope with your grief - it never leaves you though
Please keep using this site
Talk and share your feelings even if it seems silly someone here may be able to help you or you could help someone else
Take care
Xx
Well said Scottie10 I couldn’t have put it better myself. Two years now on this awful journey and I am living my life the best I can but without John by my side sometimes it all seems pointless. But we have to carry on don’t we ? We have no choice really and being strong for my sons and their families helps me to cope.
Best love
Georgina
@Lily12 I’m so sorry that you lost your husband in such a traumatic way. I lost my husband suddenly at Christmas. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday I got a call from my son to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. I started CPR until the paramedics arrived. He was 53 years old. His life has been robbed and our future plans and dreams have gone. Life is so unfair and cruel. I hope that you have support from family and friends. Take one hour at a time. Don’t look into the future to far as the future hasn’t arrived yet. I been having councelling and help at my doctor’s. They have referred me to the trauma specialist. Keep talking… you are not alone. Sending lots of love and hugs xx