Desperate

I desparately need help. Since losing my husband 5 weeks ago, I see no point in my existence. I’m so alone and spend a lot of time crying and re-hashing the last few days of my husbands life, from hospital failures to missing him passing on by 2 minutes

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Oh Alison, I know how you feel. My husband died 16 months ago and in the immediate days afterwards, I felt exactly like you. You won’t believe this (I wouldn’t have at the time) but it does get more bearable, even though the sadness and despair don’t lessen. When he died, my world stopped and if it hadn’t been for my family, I would definitely have done something drastic, but I didn’t for their sakes. It is the worst thing in the world and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
You need to hang on. Your husband wouldn’t have wanted you to ruin your life, and would not have wanted you to die, so you need to try to live life for him.
Please believe me when I say it becomes a little easier as the days go by, but never goes away and you have to learn to accept and cope with that.
All this time later, I think of him every day, several times in fact, and I would give anything to have him back, but I know that can’t happen. I still cry for him. That is the new life and the price we pay for such happiness.
You don’t say how long you were together. We were together for 57 years, married for 54 and his death was the hardest thing I have ever had to face. Like you, I missed being with him at the end by just a few hours as the nurses had sent me home to rest, I had been there by his side so long that I was becoming ill. They said he wouldn’t go in the time I rested, but he did. I think he subconsciously wanted to spare me the distress of watching him die, even though he was in a coma. I am not sure how I feel about that, but it can’t be changed.
I am so thankful for the years I was with him, and I try to be grateful for that when I am feeling at my worst. The sadness doesn’t go away, but you will learn to cope with it.
I wish you an easier time in the future. You were special to your husband and he would want you to cope, I am sure. My thoughts are with you
Ann x

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I am only 9 months in to this horrible journey but I agree with Ann and want to reassure you. Things do ease and become manageable.
It’s very very early days for I too remember the awful feeling of despair.

I’m glad you have found this site As I have said many times, we can’t change the circumstance but we can try and offer you support and listen and understand everything you are going through.
I have found this site so helpful so please post and read and say it how you feel it ……. We are a family here

Dee xxx

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