My husband died 9 weeks ago. He had a heart attack and stroke in 2016 but somehow managed to pull through. It transpired he had numerous heart issues but due to his determination and initial fitness he managed a further 10 years despite 5 near misses and at times poor quality of life particularly towards the end. I always thought he’d go to sleep and die peacefully but he didn’t. I’d cared for him for 10 years and gave up work 4 years ago to care for him full-time. The last few weeks of his life were beyond exhausting. Some nights I didn’t sleep at all and I couldn’t even go out to the garden without him needing something, sometimes just reassurance that I was nearby. I’m very pragmatic, spiritual and capable so in the early weeks I was able to manage all the administrative tasks and support the rest of the family. I didn’t want the funeral arrangements to end and the funeral to take place because I feared what would happen after I was less busy. I’d been doing really well but now I’ve just crashed and can’t stop crying yet I’m looking at videos from last year and earlier and I don’t feel like I know him. I loved him so much but because my caring role had taken precedence I’m not sure I told him I loved him or that I cuddled him enough. Maybe I did but I just don’t remember and I feel like I’d become this bossy character rather than a loving wife. I feel so guilty and can’t understand my feelings and I wish I’d been able to hug him and tell him how much I loved him and would miss him. Instead, the day before he was telling me he wasn’t scared of dying but was worried about leaving me. With the intention not wanting to add to his worries I told him I’d be fine!!! Why did I do that?! Of course I’d never be fine, I just wish I’d told him …..
I’m very sorry for your loss, I think it’s very normal that we look back & wish we’d done things differently, but what your husband would remember is that you were his rock in the last ten years, You gave up work for him, you went without sleep towards the end for him, I too felt like I’d become a bossy character but everything we did was an act of our love for them, as they say actions speak louder then words, he knew how you felt by the way you looked after him, You reassured him that you’d be fine without him, that was the right thing to do & would have given him peace, if you’d have said you wouldn’t be fine he’d have been upset, you put his feelings first out of love.
I think the worse thing about grief is that we question ourselves, apparently it’s our brains way of trying to process what’s happened.
Thank you so much for your reply…. It’s very comforting and makes a lot of sense 
Dear keeper I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I read your post and was about to reply but after reading @Flower_garden’s reply which covered so well your issues I’m not sure what to add. I found that over the months since my wife died I have spent a lot of time beating myself up about not doing one thing or another. I imagine we all feel we would want to hug our loved loves to bits now if we could. Last Friday was nine months since my wife died and I found myself becoming very depressed at the feeling I had lied to my wife. She had been given five months to live after a cancer diagnosis, fortunately for me she survived almost two years. At the beginning we tried lots of treatments privately and things improved but towards the end we were doing anything and I no longer believed these treatments would change anything because the scans showed the tumors were increasing in size but I couldn’t tell her the truth because she needed to believe in something. I’m not sure whether we were both pretending to eachother but I have found it difficult. I think we have be kind to ourselves as we did everything we could and we are suffering because we love them so much.
Thinking of you and sending hugs
Wishing you all the best Tom
Maybe I did but I just don’t remember and I feel like I’d become this bossy character rather than a loving wife. I feel so guilty and can’t understand my feelings and I wish I’d been able to hug him and tell him how much I loved him and would miss him.
Managing all of your partner’s health care needs proved you loved him. Actions do speak louder than words. I’ve had some of this too, wishing I had voiced things that are really important rather than all of the managing. But, guilt seems to be a twin to grief. Try to give yourself grace because you did do so much every day to prove the love you had for him.
Thank you so much … I shall try and I’m sure I’m not the only one in this position as you have mentioned yourself x
Thank you so much Tom and I’m so sorry for your loss too.
I think you’re right… at the time we made decisions based on the moment and to protect our loved ones and as someone else has said guilt seems to go hand in hand with grief.
I’ve come away for a week on my own and it’s been horrendous but I’ve done it! Back home tomorrow to the love and support of my family but I’m now thinking at home I’m wearing a mask so as not to upset everyone else and support them in return.
looking at other comments it doesn’t look like it gets any easier 
Hi keeper I can understand how trying to show you are all right can be exhausting but the trade off is you have company. I don’t have to wear a mask but I am always alone. Neither are good but I hope you find some comfort having people who love near. Wishing you a good return home
Thinking of you and sending hugs
All the best Tom
Thank you so much. My heart goes out to you. I know I’m lucky to have my family and the thing that gives me most comfort at home is my daughter’s dog. She left him with me so I wasn’t alone and being here alone I can tell you it makes such a difference.
Sending love and hugs to you too
Tom, what area of Spain are you in?
My week’s escape has been to our house in Spain - near Denia - and it’s having been alone here that made me worse despite it being such a beautiful place 
Hi keeper I’m in the north of Spain the Basque country between Pamplona and San Sebastian. Not quite as hot here as Denia. You are brave travelling on your own, I can imagine how lonely it must have been. I think even when travelling with family a holiday home needs a few days to feel homely.
Wishing you a peaceful return
All the best Tom
You’re far away!
Thank you. Looking forward to returning home now and I know it won’t be as bad next time I come. It was finding all the little things we were meant to come back to which was the hardest and then visiting places we went together and the worst of all was probably finding a pair of socks in the laundry basket .
Onwards and upwards, I know they are with us - we just can’t see them - and when I’m feeling positive I know that no time would ever have been long enough.
Look after yourself 
Hi keeper we are very far north, in fact to fly to England I go via Biarritz which is only an hour and a half away. I crossed paths with my wife in London at 18 and she was heading home to the Basque country so I had to follow. I glad I did, she made me the happiest man alive by marrying me
Wishing you all the best Tom
Awww that’s so lovely. You must be proper fluent then! I need to take Spanish classes - that will be something to occupy me a bit when I return. And I can be anonymous so no-one will be asking me how I am or how’s Tony. So can’t set me off!
All the very best to you
Lynda
Hi Lynda that’s a great idea certainly something nice to learn having a place here. I’m sure it will enrich your experience on holiday here.
Wishing you all the best Tom