The day my wife passed away Dec 21st 2021, we had a coffee and then she asked for a fag. I told her No because we’d had oxygen put in the bungalow. Did I really deny my wife her last request? It’s killing me inside thinking about this.
I can’t stop thinking if I’d given her a fag at least she’d have passed away having had a fag.
You can’t torment yourself with thinking about not letting your wife have a smoke Tim.
You were simply doing what you thought was right at the time.
I go over & over our last conversations too and then I have to stop myself & think how peaceful & handsome my husband looked when he had just died.
It’s so hard but we have to try to stop thinking about the “what ifs” The sad truth is that the outcome would still have been the same.
We torture ourselves with all sorts of things don’t we, but please just think you weren’t denying your wife her last request, you were trying to protect her.
Janey
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Thank you Janey, you are right but just keep thinking about it. We have to think of the good times and the memories we have with them in happier times. It’s two months tomorrow since Marie passed away and yet no one seems to be bothered. My brother wants me to go with him to scatter Mum’s ashes it makes me feel so upset that no one realises how hard that will be. It seems everyone has moved on and they don’t real care about my feeling. I’ll put a smile on my face and wait until I’m on my own to cry again. Sorry today I’m feeling low but I know that’s all part of grieving.
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Please don’t ever say sorry Tim. You are bound to feel totally desolate, especially having two very significant losses so close together.
You’ll have to just wait and see whether or not you feel up to going with your brother to scatter your mum’s ashes. It will be very hard for you.
Two months is such a very short time in the grieving process. The way you feel will differ day to day. Grief comes in waves and all we can do is go with it.
It’s very sad that you say no one seems to be bothered.
If you feel like putting a smile on your face then do so. But you can’t just pretend to be coping for the sake of others.
Put yourself first, be gentle with yourself. Sometimes our loss seems just too hard to bear. It’s good to talk to people who truly understand.
Please look after yourself
Janey
Hi Tim,
You did the right thing regarding advising to not smoke with oxygen about, It could have been an extremely dangerous combination. i am sure you did all you could do to support your wife and what you said you did because you wanted to keep her and other people safe.
I find it helps me to just tell people if things are too much. If scattering the ashes will really upset you it might help to talk about it with your brother. I think people sometimes don’t mean to cause harm but it just doesn’t occur to them how it comes across what they say. Do stay strong but give yourself the space to feel upset as well, it is ok. Thinking of you (having had a pretty taxing day today myself), take care, Kathy
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Thank you to you all for your words of support and understanding, this site has been so helpful and I’m so glad I joined.
We scattered Mum’s ashes and then the sun came out and I took that as a sign of happiness. I’m feeling ok at the moment, thanks to all of you as well as close friends who hadn’t forgotten.
Thank you and take care everyone.
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Sending you lots of love. This site has been a godsend and it’s amazing how much support we all give one another, strangers uniting in the unfortunate circumstance of grief. You’ve had a lot happen in a short amount of time so take time to process it, sit with your feelings and allow your emotions to surface. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to stay in bed. It’s okay to leave the chores. It’s okay to not do anything. But do look after yourself and drink plenty of water and eat, everything else can wait. The sunshine showing its face was a lovely way to end such an upsetting time for you. I believe in signs etc from lost loved ones and had some today tbf (about 3 signs) which comforted me after a difficult afternoon. Take care
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