Hi everyone. My name is Steph and I’m a 31 year old Mum of 2 young children. I’ve just lost my Dad aged 49, 2 days before my birthday on December 12th. I’ve sunk into a deep hole of depression. My Dad was diagnosed with terminal throat cancer (non smoker) 12 months ago. I watched him go from a happy, funny man who lit up a room to an underweight Skeleton who had to feed himself through a tube. Never once complained. He couldn’t even swallow his own spit he needed a machine to suck it out (sorry gross). My question is do our loved ones know or get a feeling they are going to die very soon? My Dad died on a Friday and 2 days earlier on the Wednesday he requested for a hospital bed to be brought to his flat. We also had a conversation on the phone that day and when I went to end the conversation he said “can you not stay on the phone and chat to me a bit longer”. That was the last time we spoke! Myself and his doctor expected to see more of decline in his general health right before the time came for him to die but he was or seemed still strong and walking around as usual. And then BOOM his heart just stopped beating and he died peacefully in his sleep. I’m sure he knew it was coming… with the request for the hospital bed, phone conversation etc. The weekend before he died he made us all go round and pick up our Christmas presents and my birthday present. It’s like he knew he wouldn’t be here much longer. Anyone else had a loved one that just knew they were going to die very soon?
Sunflower 1212, you have helped me by sharing your experience of your dad’s death and the question it left you with.
I too have asked myself the same the last nearly 3 years since my dad died very suddenly and unexpectedly and alone, which haunts me still even though he had more years than your dad.
In the last 18 months he said several times I was to take things of his I liked at his house before he died and one day actually said ‘I dont think I have much time left’.
At the time I didn’t say anything because I just didn’t want to face it and I didn’t believe it would happen even though we know it happens to us all. Now I wish I had said why and talked about how he felt and said what I cannot say to him now, that I loved him. He was not ill with anything but it seems he had a strong sense he was near his end, and that does give me comfort in a way because he was facing his mortality and I hope I can do the same.
In time , I cannot say how long, you will feel better. Your dad existed in the world and that can never change.
Take care of yourself
I’m so sorry for your loss My dad died suddenly few years ago. He died on his chair. It was so unexpected and sad. It’s sad that we can never say goodbye. I was like you. So many unanswered questions. Did he suffer , did he know. I still ask myself those questions. Its sad… Then my brother died suddenly and he lay in morgue for a month before we were told. We kept ringing his phone for days and got no answer. I suffer from panic attacks since this happened. He died in his bathroom. He was always healthy . Although any death is hard It’s the shock of sudden death thats hard to come to terms with to. Sending my condolences to you. xx
Am so sorry to hear all of your story’s I’ve read, and it brings it all back to me four years ago my dad died on his own he fell down the stairs I do not know what happened I’ve never wanted to properly find out but I do wonder and hope be wasn’t it any pain I absolutely loved my dad he was my best friend. I miss him so much, 4 months later my mum died of cancer it was awful she was my rock and other best friend. I haven’t really spoke to.my sisters like this because I know I would upset them. Coming here and speaking its good to get it off your chest I suppose.
Thanks for reading and send my condolences to u all
Thank you. When we lose our dads is a shock. Dad’s are always protective of daughters. I miss that father figure he was my best friend to. Yes you will miss him always. I’m sorry to hear about your mum. My prayers to you. I lost my mum 2011. She fell and broke her hip at home. But because they didn’t do hip op blood clots formed and she took blood clot to base of her brain. One min she was laughing and next this happened. The last words I said to her was I love you and she told me she loved me. Then she was gone. I don’t talk to my sister. But maybe you should to talk your sisters. It will help you. This is when you need family the most. Knowing your sisters are going through this you need thier support and they yours. I only had my husband to talk to. My sister doesn’t show emotions. So I don’t talk to her about it Plz talk to your sisters. Xxx
I meant to add yes this forum has helped me. Everyone is so supportive here.
@Sunflower1212 hi, so sorry to hear about your dad. I know exactly what you mean about watching your dad change. I’m 26 and lost my dad suddenly to cancer none of us, including him, knew he had, but for us it was 18 days rather than 12 months. In his final days he was saying ‘I want to go’ but I don’t know whether that mean go home or ‘go’. I went to see him the say he died, he told me to go home and he passed two hours after I left. I wonder daily if he knew that day that he was going to go and he didn’t want me to see it happen, and I often wonder if he knew the extent of his illness as it all to the point I consider calling his urologist to ask. All the unknowns are awful x
hi @Sunflower1212 I am quite a lot older than you so I would say that I am ‘lucky’ in so far as my Dad died on 8 December aged 81. I feel for you in your loss. My Dad was only diagnosed with motor neurone at the end of November and then was admitted to hospital 2 days later. He lost all speech and swallowing and as a result of pneumonia decided he wanted no treatment. He was moved to a hospice on 7 December in line with his wishes. I absolutely believe my Dad knew… I visited him during the day with my Stepmum and he was very restless / wanted to be out of his bed… I left him at 7.30 when he had settled… for my brother to see him briefly with my Stepmum… when they left him at 8pm he then passed away within an hour of them leaving. I think he waited for us all to leave, bless him. He also insisted we leave (by pointing to letters on his alphabet chart) when we visited in the hospital at times I think to save us from seeing him suffer too much… I totally get your comment about someone so happy and funny then just waste away… My thoughts are with you … and everyone else who has posted a reply to your post
I worked in a hospice for many years and I think some people do know. Some people would hang on till loved ones arrived and others would wait until their family had nipped out for 5 minutes.
My struggle is that my mum died alone and that was her greatest fear so I think I got it all wrong she needed me and I wasn’t there.