Hello
I feel really mean writing this, but I could really do with some guidance please. I recently lost my darling Dad - he was my world. He just “got me”. I am now struggling with my relationship with my Mum. Of course my heart goes to her in that she is absolutely broken - they would have been married 63 years this year - so the pain must be unimaginable.
I obviously want to look out for my Mum, but she is so hard to be around. I have never had the relationship with her that I have wanted or needed - when Dad was alive he always made it so much easier for me to be around Mum. Dad’s passing has made this gap between me and Mum even more apparent.
On one hand - and to others - she is a sweet polite old lady - to me she is sharp and snipes at me all the time.
I try and rise above it and think “she is grieving” - so try to be extra kind and caring - only to be told I am either patronising her or being sarcastic - or saying the only reason I am being nice is if I have had a glass of wine with dinner (much needed I may add).
It’s getting to the stage where I just don’t know what to say to her and have turned really cowardly in that I would rather message her than ring her or see her. I am then filled with so much guilt over this.
Any guidance or suggestions will be so gratefully appreciated. I talk to Dad and apologise for how I am with Mum, and that I am trying my best. Mine and Mum’s relationship has never been an easy one but I know I need to be there for her too.
Thank you in advance - I didn’t know where else I could say this x
Hi, I just signed up and as I was scrolling saw your post.
It sounds like you’re going through a lot. Your dad sounds like a lovely person. Your mum is most likely angry and hurting, I understand she shouldn’t take this out on you and you don’t feel as close to her as you do your dad.
Try not to see this as an end but also a beginning of a possible closer relationship with your mum (if you can find common ground) maybe try speaking to her gently almost like a child and see if you can go out for a coffee almost as if you’re starting from the beginning.
No one can ever replace your dad or ever will. The pain won’t ever fade, or the anger. But I think if we can open up and allow others in we’re one step closer to perhaps not being so alone.
I truly hope somewhere along the lines you two become closer
Aww thankyou for taking the time to reply.
I do hear you about Mum - of course she is hurting and angry - totally get that.
I have tried talking to her - but she tells me I am patronising her or is just really dismissive of things I have to say.
I have also gone out for coffee with her but it just feels so awkward and strained. We chat along ok - but it feels so false if that makes sense. Well to me anyway.
I don’t feel I can tell her I am struggling with our relationship. She has always been very defensive and I even more so now xx
Has your mum always been this way? I think we can and should make allowances for grief but at the same time, if someone has never been nice to you and they are harming your wellbeing they arent entitled to your emotional labour. Obviously being your mum its hard to put a boundary in especially at a time like this but there is no shame in limiting your contact to what you can cope with whilst you are grieving. I dont know if you have considered any counselling? That might be helpful. Sending positive thoughts op.
Thank you so much for your message.
Things have always been a little strained with my Mum, but in Dad’s company it was easier to mask if that makes sense. So Dad’s passing highlights it even more for me and of course with the pain Mum is going through it is making it difficult for her too. She is of the generation where she was very dependant on Dad and certainly in her family and friends circle women were rarely independent when growing up.
She often says she “doesn’t know where I come from” as I am outgoing and confident and very independent. I don’t know if she truly disapproves or if it comes across that way - but she has certainly never praised me for any achievements etc.
In fairness, Mum has never been horrible or mean to me but as I have got older I realise more and more that I needed more from a mother / daughter relationship, and have tried to instill it - but it hasn’t really worked and now with losing Dad it is highlighted more than ever.
I have considered counselling - to find some coping mechanisms - as I want to be there for her and feel so guilty that I feel like this when at the end of the day she is just a very sad and lonely lady xx
That makes sense and it may be that she doesnt know how to be a parental figure if shes been reliant on your dad to hold everything together. Counselling might help you with exploring boundaries and coping mechanisms so that you can have a relationship with her. Look after yourself too. It must be hard losing a spouse after many years but youve lost your dad too and that is impossibly difficult in itself xx
@Clb123
When the main part of a family is gone, your dad in your case, the rest of the family often falls apart without that person to hold it all together. It has taken me 60 years to suddenly realise that my mother has never been there to support me throughout my life. This year, when I lost my boyfriend suddenly in February, she was, once again, absent. Now she is making everything about her, it’s a complicated story, but looking back on my life I now know that I have always been left to flounder. You are trying so hard with her, but perhaps it is time to stop, if only for your own good. Don’t listen to those who say “You only have one mother”, etc, because they don’t have your mother and cannot understand.
Take care of yourself.
I am so sorry for you about your Dad . Where your Mum is concerned then because this bereavement t is happening to you both then it’s unlikely either of you have the capacity to fully support the other especially if your relationship isn’t great . Cut yourself some slack - you are doing your absolute best that you can . It might be you leave a couple of bereavement support contact details for her to use and she either does or she doesn’t . I felt bad - Mum died at the end of May and I had a difficult relationship with her . Normally me and my siblings would support one another through tough stuff but not this as we all had a different relationship with Mum and it makes it difficult to properly talk about and support each other . I’ve accepted I need to look elsewhere for support and realise I can’t fully support them . Go well and take big care x
Oh lovely - I am so sorry about your Mum - it is of course still so raw for you. It’s so strange how our different dynamics with our parents impacts us and our siblings differently - despite being the biggest common denominator we could imagine. Sending you love and hugs xx
Oh I am so so sorry for the loss of your boyfriend - I can’t even begin to imagine your pain,
It’s interesting isn’t it - I’m 56 and it is just dawning on me to realise that I have never had the support from my mother that I needed. I always felt so guilty even half thinking that as I know she did her best for me considering her old fashioned upbringing etc. I had my gorgeous son late - I was nearly 41 when I had him so he is now nearly 16 and my sole aim is to understand and learn from him so that I can be there to help him. So in a way I need to give thanks to my Mum in that if I hadn’t recognised the importance of a parent understanding and supporting their child, I wouldn’t have the fabulous relationship I have with my son today. However, on not so good days, it really does highlight what I obviously crave from my Mum xx