My wife passed away unexpectedly just over 5 weeks ago, she was aged 52 and we had been married for 25 years and been together for 29. I came home from work to find her collapsed on the floor. I still don’t know the cause of death but have been able to have the funeral while further tests are carried out.
I have so many different emotions of guilt that I should have been there and maybe could have saved her, constant feelings of loss and sadness as well as anger that her future has been taken away. She will never get to see her her son get married or be a grandmother.
I can’t see a future at the moment and it is only my son that is keeping me going. I read that it gets easier with time but I am heart broken and I miss her so much. I still have her possessions around the house where she had left them, I can’t bear to move them. I feel like she has gone on holiday and will be coming home soon and cant accept that she is gone.
Oh @StuartC I am so very sorry. I lost my husband three months ago really suddenly too. He was mid fifties and had a heart attack at home. I couldn’t save him even though I was here with him. I think when it’s time it just is and we just have to accept it and stop trying to blame ourselves in some way. The feeling that it can’t be real is still a big feature for me but I think it is diminishing a little. I also know exactly what you know about moving your loved ones things. I’m doing it very gradually because it is heartbreaking. I hope being able to talk on here helps you and send you big hugs xx
So sorry for your loss @StuartC
I too am about 3 months into this awful journey that is called grief.
Unlike you and @starbright I knew my husband was dying, for 6 short weeks.
I don’t think it makes a difference really. I still felt guilt that maybe I should have done more, even though there was nothing anyone could do.
I still feel at times that its not real, or they’ve made a mistake, but that’s just my brain playing cruel tricks.
All this is apparently quite normal.
Please keep posting on here. It really does help, just knowing you’re talking to people who really understand, because we’re all going through it. You won’t get silly platitudes on here.
There really is no other pain like it, the feelings are surreal and cruel. So many people on here say it comes in waves and that is true, not evey moment is dreadful. I lost my partner on the 15th April and struggling to come to terms with it. It really is forever that he is gone (well forever in the physical form anyway) I do believe we will meet again when my time is up! And it’s not uncommon to think about not wanting to wake up each day!
You will have a future as we all will but it’s hard to a imagine one were we are happy as the love we shared with our partners has been striped away and the love now has no where to go. It’s like we now have to find a new identity as for so long it was shared.
There is some positive threads on, that I have been reading. They bring me some sort of comfort to know we will not be in the deep depth of grief forever. Loosing a partner is like nothing else, nothing could prepare you for this. It truly is indescribable
This little community is really helpful, I have poured my heart out on several occasions as this is a safe place. I do have a really good support network but I’d rather express my feelings in here (I do write to my Andrew and text him to let him know how I am)l I actually wrote him a note last night and put in on my bedside table…I asked him to come into my dreams and give me a sign. When I woke this morning I felt a lot more settled than I have felt recently, maybe he came into my dreams but I cannot remember them. I used to remember dreams really well, I’m assuming it’s grief that’s stopping me remembering. There was also a white feather on top of the note. If that’s not a sign I don’t no what is. It couldn’t have flown through the window as I had closed it last night as it was windy which scares my dog I am positive it also smells of his aftershave (maybe I’ve lost the plot )
The sense on loneliness is really overwhelming, the constant support our partners gave us is gone. I can be around many people and feel incredibly alone. I still check my phone often as if he will have miraculously have texted to check in or tell me that he loves me and can’t wait to see me
Keep reaching out on here and express how you are feeling if that helps you. This community is kind and will support you. Hopefully you’ve friends and family for support as well.
Sorry for your loss @StuartC , my wife passed 12 weeks ago , unexpected heart attack while in hospital, she was only 57 .
We have 2 kids aged 23 & 18 and I felt like you the only reason im still here is for them . Some days I still have feelings of they would be fine without me , but those feelings pass as I know I couldn’t do that to them .
I’m not going to try and tell you things get easier because I dont think they do , a big part of me still thinks she will walk through the door one day . However we have started to get used to her not being in the house , not getting rid of any of her things though yet and maybe never will . That’s my choice and will be no matter what any well meaning friends/family may say.
One bit of advice I would give you is ignore what people ( including friends/family) say you should be doing and do what is best for you , only you know how you are feeling after such a loss , unless they have been through the loss of their soul mate then however well meaning they are , just do what’s best for you & your son .
Keep checking in here as well , even if just reading as I found it really helps to know you are not the only one going through this hell .
@Katyh Thankyou for your reply and my condolences for your loss. I have had dreams about my wife and in one she said she loved me but in general I can’t remember them when I wake up. I believe the the white feather is definitely a sign and that he is with you. I also have a dog and have found him to be a great comfort to me.
I go to work and put on a brave face and actual normal but underneath I am broken.
@Dino13 thanks for your reply and so sorry for you loss. I agree with ignoring others, my sister said she knew how I was feeling and I thought “no you don’t”. She hadn’t lost her husband, how can she know how I feel. It really is hell.
Thank you. How lovely that you remembered your wife telling you that she love you in your dream
I did remember a dream a while, where Andrew came to be and said sorry for not being around
You’ve done well going back to work, I cannot at the moment as I wouldn’t be able to do my job.
Yes we learn a good poker face for the benefit of everyone else and I suppose it helps us as well. When I go back I still won’t be able to talk about it, so best to put on a brave face! X
@StuartC I know how you feel. I came home from work one day 6 months ago and my partner had died while I was at work. He was 54 and we had been together 18 years. The feelings of guilt are overwhelming that if I had been at home he would still be here. The post mortem results did not bring any comfort, he had medical conditions that he wasn’t getting treated for as wasn’t aware or didn’t complain about.
I ended up having Talking Therapy through the NHS and this has helped me process my feelings a lot. I was unable to have any happy memories of him as all I could think about was the day he died. I recommend this to anyone struggling.
I had 5 months off work and recently went back but changed job roles as couldn’t cope with the old one.
My 2 dogs were what I got up for every day and helped me through but 2 days ago I had to have one of them put to sleep and I’m heartbroken all over again. I thought I was making progress but now I’m back where I was.
It doesn’t get easier but some days are better than others I’ve found so I still go day by day. The days are usually empty without him and now they will be worse without his dog but they are together now I believe and I’m sure his dog was grieving as much as me , probably looking for him and waiting for him to come home every day bless him.
It’s good when we can have dreams about our loved ones but sadly mine are not every night and they also don’t always bring comfort. I hope you get some comfort from yours. Keep talking and get all the support you can, take care
I am so sorry for your loss ( and everyone else’s on here). My beloved partner passed away suddenly 6 weeks ago and like you the post mortem revealed problems that we were unaware of, so torture myself that perhaps we should have investigated things sooner. I find the grief isn’t getting any better and just wondering if I am coming out shock and reality has hit. People have dropped away very quickly but I appreciate they have their own lives. We were so close that we didn’t need anyone else and didn’t rely on other people. I guess they assume that I’m coping as usual but they don’t understand the crippling loneliness and how silent the house is now. On bad days like these I just think I could die here and no one would even notice. When you lose your partner you just feel like you are not special to anyone anymore. I agree that you just need to do what’s best for you with regards to coping. People mean well but they can’t possibly understand if they haven’t been in this horrific situation. They say just say take things in your own time but that feels like forever and I too am not ready to return to work. In fact I’m not really ready to engage with the world in general.
Apologies for the rant but I’ve woken very early this morning and struggling to see the point in anything and dreading the future. At 62 it seems like years of loneliness ahead. Thanks for listening x
It’s awful isn’t it, I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. I lost my partner just 7 weeks ago, I think your right about the shock and now the reality it’s just so sad to try and come to terms with loosing your person, the one who was always there and like you I miss being someone’s everything and feeling special… you also truly dont no what you’ve got untill it is gone. I wish we could back back into time and fully appreciate everything and not wait for tomorrow as it doesn’t always come. Yes I worry about a lonely unfulfilled future, in all honesty I can’t see them future being any different from now and I really do try to be optimistic but it’s just hard. You could never prepare for how it feels to loose a partner, we were together for 18 years I was 19 when we met. He was to young to go the poor sod! Like you it was always me and him we just loved each others company and didn’t need anyone else.
Thanks katyh it’s just nice knowing there’s someone out there who really understands and it does help. I would never have posted on any site before all this living nightmare but I do find it a comfort. Like you I try to be positive but there are some days when it’s all too much. Let’s hope today is a bit easier. Sending love and support x
Let’s hope so. I’m trying to trick myself into feeling better. I’ve decided for the rest of the week I’m allowed to wallow then starting Monday I’m going to get out walking at least 10000 steps and going to eat proper food again which will be hard as I always made us nice meals. I haven’t cooked in the last 7 weeks only micro meals and ate utter crap! I plan to go back to work in July, I really hope I can to get some routine back, so thought I better make a few changes to help.
I would never usually post on forums but needed something to help. Yes it’s good to know others feel the same so can support.
Someone on here recommended watching after life, I’ve watched it is really good
Thank you. That sounds like a good plan. I started cooking again this week instead of living on rubbish. ( It was such a shock to find that my partner had heart problems when he’d lived on a healthy diet and his cholesterol was under 5!). I always cooked nice things before so decided to continue doing the same. I cook the same amount and freeze the other half. I’m hoping to go back to work in July too so I’ll have some meals ready in the freezer for then.
I’ll have a look at the programme too. Thanks again x
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