In the last 8 months since my wife departed, my son has been behaving weirdly towards me, picking up fights over trivial discussions and arguments, showing big eyes to me, screaming and has hit me twice and threatened to hit me more. After 3-4 hours, he feels repentant and apologized profusely. But this is becoming a pattern. The cycle never stops, he frequency has decreased but out of the blue it happens. In the days leading to the death of my wife and his mother, he cried maybe 3 or 4 times and that was it. He never even stands in front of his mother’s photo frame to say prayers or seek courage from her. I am unable to cope with the situation and is making me sad, disappointed and getting me depressed. With my wife gone, I have no way to share these feelings with anyone. If I try share, people give copybook solutions, which are a crap. I have just one child, he is 19 years and goes to a prestigious Engineering college studying Computer Engineering. His academics are really good and sharp in studies and social interactions with his friends and their parents.
Is anyone in the group facing such situations? how do you cope with it? What do you advice your kid?
I am sorry for your loss, and I am not an expert but I can say grieving is different for everyone, he is suffering and into a fight or flight zone seems like. I can answer this from you sons perspective, I am in my mid 20’s and I lost my mom and stay with my dad, and on a lot of occasions I have had the same behavior. The reason for the behavior was because I feel my mom deserved a better life which my father couldn’t give her (this was an assumption or from past experiences when I saw them fight over money) Because she passed away very suddenly it has left everyone is shock and everyone is responding differently, If you can get him into counselling or if he speak out everything he has been going through would help. I understand what you are going through and not justifying his behaviour. Just presenting his perspective. He might cry alone in a corner and you never know. Please be with each other, go out to church, temple or anything and take a vacation if possible. Be kind to each other. You also try counselling if it helps
Hello, this must be very difficult for you, your son is at a difficult age generally but throwing grief into the mix makes it much harder.
He’s at an age of finding his way with being a man and with hormones raging around as well.
He,s grieving but doesn’t know how to deal with the feelings so lashes out at the closest person to him?
Could you approach Cruse to see what help they could give him? Or private grief counselling?
When he’s calm maybe sit him down and discuss Cruse or counselling help either privately or maybe through his college? And tell him that you love him but his behaviour can’t continue.
There may be forums online specifically for loss of a parent that you could signpost him too?
Suggest he goes to his GP?
You will get through this and come out the other side, are there grandparents that could help you?
I’m sorry to hear this. It’s just awful.
Personally, I think your mistake was allowing him to hit you the first time without an adequate response.
If he’d done it to me he would have been flat on his back and subsequently looking for accommodation.
Thanks Varun. My sons best friend is also Varun, he is of same age.
Well, its more deeper than that. He started showing these symptoms at the age of 11, when my wife was first dragonized with advanced-stage cancer. Going to a counselor is not an option, as he throws a fit, threatens to kill himself. Its brewing inside him for a long time. He has interacted in this screaming fashion showing his anger with his mother million times when she was alive for the last 7 years or so.
When there is no bonding/friendship in a relationship, how can you drag someone to a trip or church/temple or even for a decent sit-down dinner. He is mostly out of the house for 12 hours a day (includes Sat and Sun like Hackathons, like I said he is damn sharp in programming at the age of 19) with his more than 50-60 friends in different groups and sends out like 300 Whatsapp messages in a day. Isn’t that the whole Gen Z all about?
I am looking for a novel approach, not copy book as I mentioned in my original post.
I cannot bring myself to do that what he did to me. He actually broke my reading glasses. He has nowhere else to go in his life. I cannot think of him out on the streets living on his own. Not physically strong, nor emotionally as well.
Apologies I didn’t realise you were not in the UK, if you feel counselling or approaching his college is not an option, what about sourcing a forum specially for youngsters who’ve lost a parent & leave him a note with the website address or speak to your doctor & see what they can suggest? Or a grandparent?
That looks serious, I feel what the other person has suggested may be you should think about that then you should seek advice from a professional, when I say that you go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and explain the situation and get some advice how to handle the situation. I am just happy that he is occupied in his programming thing and he is damn smart but if such things are not treated on time can lead to much worse plus griefing just amps up everything.
Ik there are people who have suggested to be tough with him, but I feel that is not the solution, you never know what he is going though or been through. I will share something personal coz here everyone is a stranger. I was abused in my own home by some outsiders and I couldn’t ever tell my parents about and I carried it through years, and I have lived in that house till now after failing to get some outside job and there was covid and other things and then from last year I broke down, my behaviour was awful with my parents, I just used to shutdown and not talk, in your case he has a different way of showing his behavior, my mom was worried for me and then one day she passed away suddenly and my health worsened and after 6 months of griefing, carrying this emotional baggage and self blaming I seeked therapy and it help to certain extent but not fully . Please be patient with him and also take care.