I lost my mum unexpectedly on 2/12/25. I was abroad, and flew home to SEA from Europe as soon as she was hospitalized however I did not make it on time. I found out she had passed via WhatsApp message from my sister during a flight transit, and had 10 hours of flight+car travel left, alone, before I could arrive home. It has completely shattered my world, I can’t feel the ground underneath me and all I am now is a shell surrounding a big empty void.
My partner of two years is in the UK and has not been very communicative. At first I didn’t realize it because I was overwhelmed in my own darkness. When I started engaging with the world again I noticed he wasn’t texting back, and he hadn’t rung me. I sent him a birthday and Christmas card, and asked what’s wrong, and offered support when he said he felt depressed. He eventually has said that he cannot support me and was meaning to break up with me just before mums news came. I feel. Numb. I did not expect to lose my mum and partner in the space of a month.
Some of my close friends have also gone silent, saying they don’t know what to say, therefore have chosen to say nothing, for weeks on end.
I am focusing on my own healing, being with my family and appreciating those who have stuck around and are there for me. But the overwhelming feeling of disappointment and abandonment in my closest circle has made everything so much more difficult.
I am so very sorry for you in the loss of your mum and the fact you were away at the time.
That journey must have been so traumatic for you.
You will eventually in your own time come to terms with your grief over your mum but your partner is a whole different situation.
Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs but if he can’t be there for you during this awful time and can’t be relied upon to offer his support then just maybe he isn’t worth your tears.
If he is depressed he needs some help but if it’s an excuse for leaving you then that’s another thing entirely.
Just concentrate on yourself right now and grieve your mum and once you feel stronger maybe contact him and ask just what the problem is or walk away and out there could be the true love of your life.
I wish you all the best.
There is a saying that when someone shows you who they really are, believe them. What I think of your partner isn’t printable. There is never a good time to break up with anybody, and in one sense it could be seen that at least he was being honest with you. However, his bid for your sympathy / support over his depression while intending to break up with you at one of the worst times possible of your life in my view shows him for what he really is. Your friends who have gone silent are a slightly different issue. In the last two months since my loss I’ve reached the conclusion that friends divide into those that get it and those that try but can’t. Usually the ones that get it have themselves lost a parent or a very close loved one and the others have not. People are also terrified to do or say the wrong thing. Sometimes it takes you asking a friend for something that would help you eg a lift in a car, advice about something to bridge the gap. But right now, other people don’t matter and you do so do and say whatever you need to do to get through each day. Sending virtual hugs.
Thank you for acknowledging the pain I went through at the time of finding out and for your condolences at my loss.
I am starting to see how emotionally absent he has been and on one hand I was considering pleading, explaining, supporting him through his depression but on closer reflection and after reading the messages of support on here I realize that he was never wanting to be supportive. There might have been cracks in the relationship from before - I lost my grandmother who raised me 6 months prior and that totally destroyed me too. I couldn’t grief for her properly because I was sitting important post graduate exams. And by compartmentalizing my grief I don’t think I ever addressed it in its totality.
My first reaction to him was guilt; guilt that I’ve been engrossed in my own sadness etc but I also know that I did everything I could at the time to be a loving attentive partner. I’m not saying I was, and clearly I was lacking, but I know I tried my hardest with everything I had left.
I have chosen to give it time. And write down my responses to him. And to address it when I’m feeling more able to.
I also want to express once more how thankful I am to be able to assess this forum and for the responses and show of support I’ve had. I have been internalizing a lot and supporting my dad and sister and niece and nephew but have not been able to express my own feelings.
I’m usually the agony aunt, the mum, the organizer, the support, in my friendship groups and I realize now that my friends are struggling with the role reversal because I don’t reach out for help. Seeing me vulnerable and at a lost cannot be easy for them either. I will try the practical tips and give them a role and open the conversation for them to be able to show support in a different way. I know they want to, and like you said, maybe they don’t know how to, or don’t truly understand it. Or maybe they’re afraid of seeing the devastation and how it could be them in my shoes at some point and would rather avoid seeing eye to eye with it. I have learnt that grief makes other people uncomfortable. And I shouldn’t punish them for that.
I feel for you. Thank goodness you do have some people who still care and in whom you can place your trust. I think bereavement is like a storm. All the deadwood gets blown down and you need to rake it up and throw it out.
I understand your feeling of loss as I had a friendship group and all of them have vanished into thin air. Only one came to my husband’s funeral. Admittedly he was special and his death hit everyone hard, and although expected, occurred very suddenly at home. What hurt most of all was the fact that all these friends were senior mental health professionals. And, only one with a few words to say, attendance at John’s funeral and a bunch of nice flowers before she too, disappeared. It’s not as if I was a crying wreck. I tended to feel much brighter around people and only grieved openly when alone.
It seems that this shift in friendships - and you could count your partner as a friend as well as a loved one - have gone the way of so many others, deserting instead of finding some grit and staying within reach after your loss. Where is their courage? Counsellors will try to explain their defections but I say it again where is their kindness and what should be an adult response to another’s heartache.
I get the feeling from your report that things are going to be good for you given a bit of time, and you will make informed choices that will carry you on to much happiness.
Mazt Am so sorry to hear about what difficult issues you’ve had to handle. But you articulate very well and are emotionally mature and strong and truly wish you the very best
@barkerch I’m truly sorry for the loss of your husband and what sounds like the loss of your support with friends not being there as you would expect. Where is their kindness, as you rightly ask. Just like you I am not expecting much or for them to take my pain away but there is something to be said about just being present in any form, especially on an exquisitely painful day like the day of the funeral or anniversaries or birthdays or Christmas, those moments matter. I accept your anology about grief being like a storm and all the deadwood being blown away, and I accept it as life’s way of showing who truly needs to be in my circle and who were fair weather friends who have gotten off at the stop they needed to. Thank you for your support of me I appreciate it a lot. You sound so resilient and I hope I too can find the same strength in myself
@Romski59 Thank you for your words of support and insight. I am processing everything in my own time and some days things feel like they’re slowly falling into place and some days nothing makes sense and I feel numb angry disappointed disbelief, all at the same time. I am focusing on putting one step in front of the other and only managing what I can fit in my plate and accepting sometimes it’s not much at all and that’s ok. Wishing you all the best.
Yes, MazT, Thankyou for thanking me! It occurred to me that when adult friends don’t act like responsible adults and choose to leave a friend floundering in a sea of distress, do they actually think that by shrinking away from another’s heartbreak that it is some kind of insurance that they won’t ever experience the same in their own lives? What do they teach their children? Advisors make excuses for these people, but except for the odd person, most fair weather friends are perfectly capable of helping out. I had so many colleagues who had tragic deaths in their families and I made sure to text a short message every day. Best of luck dear MazT, and I hope every day imparts a little more of the strength you need to get through your heartbreak.
To Romski, Yes you are on the right track as far as I’m concerned and good on you. I feel that although the pain of the loss of my darling husband will always be with me, when I did the things you are doing i.e. taking things at your own pace and accepting that we tend to take 3 steps forward and 2 back as in good and bad days, we are ensuring that our grieving is at least healthy. The last thing we need is to have some awful breakdown because we have not listened to our inner physician. Best of British luck as they say here in Australia!