Disenfranchised Grieving

I struggle to define what my relationship was with the person I’ve lost. He wasn’t my boyfriend but he was definitely more than a friend. For four years, we were lovers but we hardly saw each other, we let life get in the way. But we spoke online all the time (if not daily, than weekly). I am also more than twice his age, which is why we kept it secret- people can be so judgemental. I loved him so very much, he was the love of my life. I always knew that this wasn’t forever, that he would one day leave me. I just didn’t expect a healthy young man to die in his sleep. And that I would find out through stalking his family on Facebook. The shock and sadness I feel is like nothing I have ever felt before, despite losing other people. And yet, I can’t acknowledge this pain because no-one knew about us.

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Hi Lynette
You’re not alone.
I too have been and am living with a secret, crushing grief. It is the worst. My beloved, and father’s daughter, died 7 weeks ago and like you I can’t tell anyone. He was married. He had his own family. They know nothing about us. If you’re able to and want to then I recommend getting some grief counselling and/ or opening up to a close friend. Talking on here has helped a lot, but I have found it very helpful talking to a counsellor about my feelings in a safe place and without being judged.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you, it really helps to find someone who understands. I did have some online counselling for a few weeks. It really helped just to talk about him to someone. She was lovely, really supportive and non-judgemental but my sessions have finished. I just don’t know how to move forward with this. A lot of tips on grieving aren’t relevant to people like me (and you), I don’t even have any photographs of him and I find myself jealous of his friends and family who have each other and tangible things of his.

I know that feeling. Even though we have a baby, and that’s clearly a wonderful thing, I find myself jealous that all of the things I bought him, our memories, his things are all now with his family and not here with us. It’s such a hard thing to process. I find comfort in focussing on the memories that we shared and the stories we swapped. I wouldn’t trade them for anything, and definitely not his possessions. I’m glad you’ve found us on this site. People are very supportive. There was a lady on here a few weeks ago in a very similar position to you. I will try and find her post x

The post was “Am I ridiculous to be grieving so hard for my online love?” by @JoM49.


That’s the one I was looking for, thank you x

Thanks, although my circumstances are different to hers, as my guy and I were a physical thing, we did meet up- just not as often as we would have liked.

I think it was more about not being able to grieve publicly, which we both understand, I thought there might be some words of advice that resonated or could help in some way. X