My husband wanted to be buried in my mother’s grave but instead, I have him still in our bedroom so I can talk to him and hug his urn. I want to keep him until my time has come and we both will go to the same grave. I also want to start giving DVDs, books, etc to charity shops or selling them on eBay. I feel like I am betraying him by not respecting his last wish but on the other hand, I have the feeling that he likes to be still around me. As I developed cancer a few years ago I told him to sell or give my books etc to the local charity shop but he said how can I give them away when they belonged to you? And here I am thinking to give his books and other things away. I am feeling like I betray him. But I also have to think practically. I am not getting younger and I have to adapt our house to my needs. And I think he would approve what I want to do. He told me once that I am selfish as we had an argument a while ago and now I think he might be right because I want to give his things away. I still cry when I have to move his books or clothes so I can clean but I have to carry on existing and I have to make it easier for me. His last words before he died were that he loves and one of his sons told me that he my husband told him that I make him very happy. I will of course keep the kilt he was wearing on our wedding day and other things but I have no use for his ties or shoes and it does not make sense to keep them. Am I selfish as he told me? Sorry for the long conversation but I have no one to talk to. Sending lots of love and hugs to everyone.
You’re not selfish, you’re adapting to a life alone. This life has to be one you can manage and I’m sure if he’s looking in, he will want you to do want you can manage. If he supported you all your life with him, I’m sure he will support you now.
I too had every intention to scatter his ashes but I can’t let go of them. One day I may be but if not I want my ashes mixed with his and we will then be scattered together.
@Annaessex - my friend, you are neither selfish nor betraying him in any way. Plans we make before bereavement are made without the knowledge of the reality of it - and afterwards, things change and I know our partners would not only understand the choices we make the decisions we take, they would be proud of us for getting through it. The fact that you are thinking of taking some things to the charity shop shows you are making progress and getting stronger. I know it is strange, though - my goodness, my first trips to the charity shops of Highgate were really tough, really difficult. But over time, and many trips, it became easier and more practical to do it and I know Tom would have approved 100%. You are doing all you can to get through this, in very difficult circumstances, so just keep doing what you are doing, trust your gut and I know it will all come good for you. Good luck for the week ahead, my friend.
Im the same got his ashes at home … i know he would want to be at home … he wouldn’t have minded at all ! I just cant bear to part with them yet … we planned to put them near his dads ashes which i will do in time - just not yet ! I still cant believe hes not here and i have to live my life alone and boy does it feel so alone sometimes ! I feel like nobody cares ! They dont really unless you fit in with their plans 
and i find most people ignore you half the time - as if your husband still here ! When he is so clearly NOT !! xx
@Annaessex I understand the dilemma. I was really upset the other day because I got some new bedroom furniture and did a bit of decluttering and rearranging. I felt so guilty wondering if my husband would think I was trying to eliminate him from our bedroom. I know this is irrational as I wasn’t even getting rid of his stuff just some furniture and I have moved some of his bits & pieces to his wardrobe. Honestly the guilt I felt was so bad. Grief really plays havoc with our heads. Sending hugs.
My personal opinion, is that when we cross over, there is no need for our personal things. Material things do not matter. What is more important is the relationship and love you had for each other, and that can never be replaced.
He will not mind you disposing of his items. In all honesty what is the point if you have no use for them and you need the room. Also, I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to burden yourself with this. The items can be made useful by others, you could always give them to a charity for example. Perhaps just keep a handful of special items that you can put away but you can always refer to them if you need some comfort.
Wishing you all the best.
mine died 15 months ago and apartg from his dog ornaments and computer i have nothing left of his now. house has been changed around, his old furniture and bedroom have gone, got none of his clothes etc. His ashes sit amongst his dogs on the shelf. Despite my love being questioned the other day on here, we were together for 47 yrs and did love each other but he isnt going to walk back in the door, i have moved on, same as he would have done if it had been the other way round.
do what you have to do and what feels right for you, no one can tell you only you know. hugs xx
I know how you feel, I am at the tail end of removing my wifes belongings from my house, I am keeping her jewellry etc. and it will not be sold. It makes me feel guilty as hell but she is not here to wear the clothes and I don’t want to find any later on when I am hopefully feeling better.
In my humble opinion you are doing the right thing, best wishes for the future.
We can’t know how someone else feels as we don’t know how we ourselves are going to feel before the event. But it does give me some contentment to know I am doing what he would have wanted. He wanted to be buried in a particular cemetery even though I want to be cremated, so he is in the cemetery he wanted to be in, which incidentally is in a beautiful spot on a height overlooking the ocean. As for things (belongings) I had to clear my uncle’s house because he had no family. 10 months later my husband died and I have cleared nearly everything, the paperwork, the books, clothes etc. When I’m ready I want to go through all my stuff and get rid of it before I die, obviously not the stuff I really need but all the clothes I haven’t worn in years and all the paperwork and things. Because I don’t want my children to have to trawl through everything and feel the way I have felt looking through what effectively is the sum of a person’s life. You can only do what is right for you, but if you are feeling guilt then maybe don’t ignore that feeling. Best wishes.
i quite agree, i have loads of stuff i want to get rid of, problem with me is i dont drive and cant get to a boot sale now hubby isnt here. i dont need most of the stuff its just taking up room, like 270 books on ww2, 500 dvds (all the ones i want have been copioed onto computer) etc etc. trouble was i loved chairity shops and worked in one for 11 yrs so was always bringing stuff hom lol
I have the same problem. I have a driving license but I am not allowed to drive due to health reasons. I would love to have a small car but it is just a dream. I also have a lot of books, unopened DVDs, etc. So I will start putting them on eBay when I can work out to handle the camera. My husband was the photographer and took lots of photos. I have the instructions on how to use the camera but I cannot concentrate at the moment. Sending lots of love and hugs.
I too feel the same as you do! I was married to my wonderful husband for 48 years too.
i could do the ame on ebay but i can be arsed with putting them on there and then having to pack them up and go round to post office which is 4 miles from me to send them