Do i need to limit my thoughts.

Losing a partner
#1

In week nine of losing my fiancé and I think I’m losing my mind and was wondering if this was normal or if there was a way to stop this insanity? I’m a natural worrier and texts say you should give yourself ten minutes a day to worry then set it aside. Do I do this with grief too? I think about him constantly from morning till night, distractions work for a short time only.

I worry that I too had a cardiac arrest last year, I made a full recovery and I’m a tiny blonde girl he was a hulk of a man but never woke up. If I had been there would it be different, why do his family not contact me to see how I’m doing, will I ever stop missing him. It just goes round and round till I sleep then it starts all over again. I’ve tried not to look at his pictures so much but that only lasts so long. This must subside, it can’t be like this forever can it?

#2

No, Rosie it will calm down and you will adjust to living with the pain and grief. I am not going to say it goes because I’m not at that stage myself but I have learned to live with it most of the time. You are behaving quite normal as many of us can assure you. Can’t say I know anything about grieving for ten minutes a day and would say that thinking about him constantly is about right, but then would you want to stop thinking of him. It’s your tribute to him. Letting him know he’s not forgotten and in your heart.
If I’m honest I don’t think we will ever stop missing them but I do think we learn to live with it.
As to his family, this also seems to be a common practise. I also have not heard a word from any of my husbands family, including his daughters since his funeral over a year ago. I thought we was the best of friends and It’s hurtful but you have yourself to concentrate on and I worried myself sick at their hostility. I believed I was letting my husband down but after writing letters and phone call that were ignored I admitted defeat, I could do no more. Have you tried a phone call or a friendly letter just to let them know you are still around just in case they had forgotten. At the end of a letter or e-mail just mention that you would love to hear from them sometime. Good luck

#3

Hi. Rosie. I’m so sorry to hear of your your loss. You are NOT losing your mind. So many of us think that at first, but the very fact you have come on here and sent a perfectly legible post proves that.
I have not heard that expression before about ‘worrying for ten minutes then get on with things’. What a load of old nonsense. If anyone here can do that then please tell me how. I would love to know. Not possible in grief. It may work in normal circumstances, but not here and not now. No way!! I often wonder where these people come from.
Limit your thoughts? I doubt that is possible.
Yes, as Pat says you could contact his family but surely they should have contacted you. Is is worth it? If you don’t get a reply you may worry over that. Give it time to settle then see how you feel.
This is about the worse pain anyone can go through. But we need to press on if we are to have any life at all. Read Pat’s post. She is very wise and feels as we all do, sad and sorry for how you feel but always ready to help.
It will calm slowly, but it’s the time that seems to be endless that is about the worse part. You will never stop remembering, that is part of the process of grief. There is not a lot one can say to you at this stage of your painful journey. ‘One day at a time’ is an old cliche but true. It’s all you can do at the moment. Try not to allow distractions to guide you away from expressing emotions. Allow them to happen. Once again it’s part of the process. It’s good you are here among friends who understand. Please come back and talk if you want. We are all good listeners.

#4

Hi Rosie, On second thoughts Jonathan might well be right about his family. I stupidly thought that Brian’s family would be supportive it never entered my mind that they would just desert me like they have. I rang his daughters and sent pleasant letters, I sorted out photographs from their childhood and letters relating to their mother and father but never received a reply of any sort. I had to accept in the end that they didn’t want to have contact with me, but it did me no good at all as I worried about their attitude for months, I couldn’t get them out of my mind. Day and night I had the situation on my mind which didn’t help my state of mind. What had I done? Had I upset them in any way? So perhaps it might not be wise to contact them if you cannot accept their rejection. It’s a risk, they might just be waiting for you to contact them when your ready.
I had photo’s of my husband all over the house and at first they gave me comfort but I have had to put some of them away now as it started to upset me seeing them all around me… I’m afraid we all have to find what’s right for each of us. We all find comfort in different ways as well as learning to cope with the pain.
xxx

#5

Rosie, as Pat has said it will calm down. it will be 19 months on Thursday since Alan passed so suddenly, in the beginning my thoughts were consumed with only him, in my every waking moment all I could think of was him, how I wanted to be with him, thinking it all wasn’t real. I took one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. I still think about him, then again we were together 2 years before we married then 50 years married, it is a long time, I have never known anyone else, never known a life without him. since he passed everything has a new meaning for me. I am now living on my own, I have never lived alone, so this is still very new for me.

there is no quick fix, no magic pill, people who have never experienced what you, Pat, myself and everyone else on this forum ate going through, yet they suddenly appear to be the experts. these who say you’ll get over it! utter rubbish, we shall never get over it, we do learn to live through it though. then there’s those who think we should move on! move on from what, move on to where, it’s not about moving on either. our loss is personal to us as individuals and as such we get through it as best we can.

there is a book I found really helpful, On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubhler-Ross it does explain a great deal, certainly helped me during my very very dark early days. my days now are not so dark and I find I am beginning to make plans for the future, I shall always carry Alan in my heart, that will never change what is changing is the bad days are reducing.

I still break down at times, usually over silly things that trigger a memory. I put the Christmas tree up this year couldn’t face it last year, I was very emotional especially when it come to putting the angel on the top, that was always Alan’s job, I wept buckets I can tell you.

what I’m trying to say in all my ramblings, is take each day at a time, if you cry buckets, the cry buckets , the bad days do lessen as the time passes but they don’t completely go away, we do learn to cope with each day and we do get through this very tough time. we shall never forgot the love of our life, they walk with us for the rest of our days. they ate with us in spirit so please keep talking to them, I never shut up, I talk to Alan constantly,

another helpful aid is writing in a journal, write as though you are talking to them, tell them about your day, your thoughts, your feelings, in time you may start to get replies to your writings in the form of thoughts, that is one of the ways those in spirit communicate with us, also watch for the signs, they may be subtle, sometimes it is a white feather directly in your path, a Robin who visits frequently, something you can only associate with your loved one , these are all signs from them, sometimes just to let you they are close by, that theyre ok, take these signs and thank them.

you’re doing as well as you can do, hope I’ve not confused you ☆

hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today
blessings
Jen☆

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#6

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to me and all your kind words. It’s good to know I’m not going mad. I understand it takes time but those who have not been through it don’t. I hope they never have to go through this. I remember before I met my fiancé a couple of years ago I had split from my partner of 25 years and thought it was the end of the world but I got through it and little did I know just around the corner I was to meet someone I adored. I’m not saying I’m looking for anyone else, too soon for that but I can’t give up as the future could bring so much I don’t know yet.

It’s good to know there is light at the end of this tunnel so I’ll keep going.

Thank you . Rosie

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#7

Dear Rosie44
You’re not going mad! I lost my son 8 weeks ago- he was 30 and we were very close. It’s been crippling and at times I wished I was dead too…just to get away from the pain. However I love my husband and my other son, stepchildren and grandchildren. My parents are both still alive too and I’ve a large extended family. We have all lost Henry and we all have our grief to live with. I am improving- when I look back I’m amazed how much more able I am to manage the pain. Not always mind, sometimes it just overwhelms me. Keeping busy is the key for me…you will survive this tragedy but in your own way and in your own time. There is life after death for all of us…our loved ones would want us to learn to cope. That’s all we can do.
Love and hugs to you.

#8

Dear Rosie, I have only just joined this thread of conversation, and can understand your feelings about your thoughts. I’m so sorry for your loss of your fiance. It is a hard time for you. But naturally your thoughts of grief will be with you, on and off, for sometime to come. Do take comfort that all of us on here have experienced this, and are gradually working our way through. Relationships with family after a bereavement can vary, and indeed change. Yes, I have found at times that if I mention my late husband, who died 20 months ago, there is a sudden pause in conversation by whom I speaking with or a change of conversation topic. I have kept in touch with my husband’s family as best I can. Most came to the funeral, but unless there is another big family event I don’t hear from them! Good job my own siblings are not like that or I would feel alone. Since my husband’s passing, there have been two lovely family events, an engagement party, followed by the wedding of the happy couple. My husband’s family were invited and they all came!! At the wedding reception, my sister in law, the widow, of my husband’s late brother and I had a comfortable chat, a little chat with some of the younger generation, but I know that will be all until the next ‘event’. I know my sister in law moved house sometime ago but I have never been given her address or telephone number. I am in touch with her daughter and son, and always send Christmas cards etc to her via her daughter! I don’t receive one back. I’ll carry on, it doesn’t bother me too much. Just seems a bit strange, as to why she can’t, at least, let me have her address! If you are still working Rosie, this should help keep your thoughts occupied during the time at work. I am probably much older than you, and have been retired for sometime. At the time my beloved husband died, I did, indeed think that had I still been working age with a job to go to, I might have found some relief from the sadness of loss by having to concentrate on the work involved. Maybe my thoughts on that are wrong. I had always enjoyed my working career, as well as my family and love with my dear Alan.
The advice given by so many on here ‘take one day at a time’ is well tried and tested. Take care. Deidre.

#9

Jealousy, Rosie, a most destructive emotion, that is why your loved one’s family do not bother with you.