It’s been 13 months since I lost my mum suddenly (she was 67, I was 37), and I’d say from about 6 months in I noticed a real drop off in people checking in on me. Mother’s Day has just passed and the build up and grief hangover has been really rough on me, but not one of my friends text me at any point to acknowledge that it must have been difficult. I had one friend text me on the death anniversary which meant so much. Even close family members said nothing on both occasions. I know people have their own lives and stuff going on, but I find it really disappointing, isolating, and to be honest it makes me really angry. The biggest and worst thing imaginable has happened and people are no where to be seen. I feel bad for feeling this way, like I’m expecting too much because people generally don’t know what to do or say, but saying nothing feels so hurtful. Can anyone else relate? x
Hi @Hayley2
I can totally relate. As you said, just been through mother’s day, mom’s birthday would of been in February, & the anniversary of mom’s death is this week, & … Nothing, it’s like everyone I know has been abducted by aliens or something, no one acknowledges any of it, 
.
Sadly, it’s quite a common thing for “so called” friends & family to disappear after the funeral is over, 
I don’t know why this happens so often, I guess when it’s not happening to them, they don’t know what to say, or on some scale think they can distract themselves by just getting on with their life & family around them.
I can definitely say, this is your grief journey, you are entitled to your feelings, if it helps, there are always people on this forum, so talk as much or as little as is comfortable. Sending hugs of support.
Hey @Pandaprincess, I’m thinking of you and your mom this week. It can be so very rough, and I hope you’re being kind and gentle with yourself during this time and afterwards. It’s not just the actual day is it, it’s all the build up to it and the time afterwards. I follow The Grief Gang on Instagram and she said recently about the ‘grief hangover’ that occurs after these significant days and I really feel that. I’m sorry you too have experienced people disappearing or not acknowledging your pain. I think people do this for a number of reasons… because they don’t know what to say, because they don’t want to be near such pain/they’re scared of it, because they don’t want to remind you of your loss (which is a funny one because you’re thinking about it all the time). Although it’s painful and disappointing, I think we have to try and focus on the people who are there and are trying, which is really hard to do I know. I’m here for a chat on here, sending hugs of support right back x
I can absolutely relate and completely understand the hurt and anger. I’ve tried after my initial disappointment in one or two friends to be forgiving and realise that some people just don’t understand until they’ve been through it. But I’m struggling to as my attempts to reach out to them again have been met with the same nonchalance.
What has particularly hurt is that the good friend who didn’t reach out once when my dad died in January, now obviously feels that enough time has passed that she can just pick up with me again now she assumes the worst is over. She said she’d been thinking about me a lot but honestly what good is that to me if you didn’t reach out at the time?
In fact, her husband (who hasn’t acknowledged my loss at all) just messaged me to tell me about his new band. When I replied he also said “Are we going to see you soon?” (they live in the Channel Islands and I had been planning a visit, before my dad was taken ill). I don’t want to lose a friendship, I’ve lost enough, but I’d rather focus my energies on the friends who are there in the bad times as well as the good.
You are young to lose a parent and I expect not many of your peers have experienced it. I’m 46, so it’s a little less unusual and there’s definitely a difference in attitudes from those in the know and those not.
That friend who texted on the anniversary of your mum’s death, treasure them. The others will experience it one day and it will change them and they will learn; they may even reflect on their behaviour with regret. But what you need are the diamonds who are shining through for you now, not in the future. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Hi @Hayley2
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it. On the anniversary of mom’s passing, my partner & me went to the park, I have a special place there where I go when I need some quiet space, & I wrote a letter of all the things I wish I could tell my mom, it was a very therapeutic thing, & it’s always nice & quiet there. While I was writing, a robin come up to me,
I had a feeling, like mom was saying hi, it felt very special.
Hi @AirstripCat
I know what you mean, it makes sense to put the friends who were there & supportive first, “those that mind don’t matter, & those that matter don’t mind.” The nerve of some people, what makes them think they can just pick & choose when to be there as a friend, we’re people with feelings.
What a wonderful idea to do the letter and how lovely that you then saw the robin - there is a saying “a robin appears when loved ones are near”.
I’m sorry your “friends” have faded away. Don’t feel obliged to pretend you are ok to make them more comfortable or to see people who aren’t acknowledging that you are still hurting.
Just take your time, see the people who do understand or were there for you and try to smile at the robin. Maybe put that photo in a nice frame - Etsy actually have some pretty ones with those words on them - as a reminder.
I do hope the robin brings you a little comfort. The two things that has caught me unawares is the way others respond and how the grief we share is physical isn’t it? The body responds to emotional pain and, since losing my beloved daughter, my whole body aches.
As for how others respond to grief this has been a learning curve for me too.
Ive come to realise how death phobic we all are - maybe we simply ignore or deny it until it knocks at our door?
I understand and can relate to the hurt anger and disbelief about others reactions (or absence of reaction)
I also feel resentment at times but Im not ready to lose anyone else at moment!
So, I am trying to embrace all of my feelings and practice mindfulness compassion. Its really helping me to bring kindness to myself and to let go of resentment. Compassion arises when realising that everyone will experience grief at some point. My mum died a long time ago and I miss her still. But, as i get closer to her age then, I find she is more powerfully present in my life now. Every time i look in the mirror or see echoes if her face in my youngest daughter - we the living are a continuation of our ancestors! I hope we all find some peace in the chaos.
Hi @Navajo. I loved to see that you have embraced mindful compassion. I have too, and it’s been amazing how much benefit I’ve got with handling the torrent of unwanted thoughts which were swamping me. As well as treating myself with kindness, I can now treat other people in the same way. I’m happy again as I tackle this next chapter of my journey.
I’ve been a member of a group, run by a mindfulness coach for several months (We meet on zoom) and it keeps altering many other aspects of my life, although I only started to help me through bereavement.
Good luck as you move forward into your new life 
Hi Everyone,
I have used therapy based techniques too, including mindfulness, sometimes it’s hard when you first use it, because my brain didn’t want to behave & kept wandering to the thoughts I didn’t want, but with persistence & practice, I got there.
There is a self help website called
getself-help.co.uk
They have helpful worksheets & information sheets you can print out,
Something else I’ve found helpful when I need a distraction, I play the rainbow game, you have to find 5 things of each colour in the room, so , 5 red things, 5 orange things, 5 yellow, 5 green, 5 blue, then you can add whatever colour you like, so, white, black, pink, gold, whatever colour you like, or you can adjust it to say “how many things can you find of that colour?”
But sometimes it helps to just go with the flow of where your thoughts are taking you, if you feel it would help to work through how your feeling at that time, only you know what is best for you.