It’s been almost 3 months since my mum died. My emotions are like a yo-yo, feeling really down at the moment, can’t seem to be able to pick myself up. I have the inquest to go to in May. People keep saying I’ll feel better after that but if they find my mum’s life ended earlier due to the treatment she had in hospital, I think I’ll feel worse. Working at home tomorrow, I always feel worse when I’m at home as I’m all alone & have more time to think about everything and no one to talk to. I’m having trouble sleeping which is starting to make me feel unwell. Will things ever get better?
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Hello @Victoria22, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I’m just giving your thread a gentle bump - I’m sure someone will be along to share their thoughts. You might also want to our support page How long does grief last? which walks you through some of what you may be feeling.
Take care,
Seaneen
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Hi Victoria, I’m so sorry to hear that your Mum died. 3 months ago is very recent, no wonder you’re struggling.
We lost my Mum coming up to four years ago now and while I can’t promise that it will get easier, I’ve found that grief has changed as time passes. It’s always there but not in the constant exhausting, agonising way I felt in the first year or so. I have many days now where I feel peaceful and happy. But it’s up and down so there are also many days and nights where I feel like I did in the early days.
I personally didn’t find it helpful when people would say things like “Your mum will always be with you” because I felt like I’d definitely lost her. So don’t worry if the well-meant things people often say feel meaningless to you. She was your Mum and you will slowly work out how to live after her death. I think takes a long time and people often want it to be less complicated and difficult for you than it actually is.
You’re not doing anything wrong in feeling so low right now, there’s every reason why you would. Losing my Mum is the worst thing by a very long way that’s ever happened to me so I know adjusting to that change takes everything you’ve got. Just know you’re doing amazingly, even when you feel at your lowest Xx
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Thanks for your reply, sorry to hear about your mum too.
Another thing I don’t like people saying is at least your mum is with your dad now, it doesn’t help. I wish I had them both with me. My dad died 3 years ago. xx
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Absolutely @Victoria22 - one thing i learned recently is that if someone says something intended to comfort but you could tag the phrase “so dont feel so sad” onto the end of it then its not helpful because its not acknowledging how you feel right now, its trying to cure/solve your sadness. Eg “at least your mum is with your dad now… [so dont feel so sad]”, “at least they are no longer suffering…[so dont feel so sad]” , “your mum wouldnt want you to be unhappy…[so dont feel so sad]”. Its the unspoken second half of the sentence that the well meaning friend never says, but we still hear it. 
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It has been 11 months since my father passed. I have good days and bad days. I have days where I feel sad and I’m ok with it and some days where it feels like a tsunami. It is a struggle. I wish it would be easier.
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I lost my dear Mum eighteen months ago. I live with my Father who has Alzheimer’s and has taken to asking where she is all of a sudden. It feels like torture. I had been making some progress. It’s very important to be around people who make you feel better or stronger and don’t tear you down.
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I’m so sorry, you must be in the most enormous pain to have lost them both.
I was totally broken after Mum’s death and I know what it meant when someone made me feel like I was allowed to be. The majority either ignored the fact that she’d died or made me feel like I was doing something wrong by being broken for more than a couple of months. I remember how hard it was just to stay alive for quite a while.
So whatever you’re feeling is more than allowed and you have my respect because the pain is enormous. Sending hugs xx
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