Does anyone out there desperately want their suffering spouse or relative to die?
You might truly love someone very much but because you hate seeing the torture of their suffering and dwindling quality of life, you might often hope that the end comes quickly. You should never feel guilty about that. Never.
My story might be a little different. I battled to get my spouse into a nursing home because he was deemed unsafe living at home - but was initially placed in a failing facility with no medical assistance which was totally unfit for purpose. I was fortunate in holding out for Continuing Healthcare under the NHS because the facility he is in is prohibitively expensive.
He has Lewy Body Dementia plus Alzheimer’s Disease and now - on top of that has an autoimmune skin disease called Bullous Pemphigoid. He needs assistance from 2 people at all times, is unable to walk, doubly incontinent and has to be fed like a toddler. Also, he is totally ‘out of it’ on morphine because the pain from the sores all over his body would otherwise be unbearable.
At the time he first became ill, I absorbed myself in trying to find out what the matter was - but in truth - I had felt estranged from him for a very long time. He was a bullying control freak and the illness increased his tendency towards aggression and doing me actual physical harm. I wanted to leave him a long time ago - but once it was clear how ill he was - I could not bring myself to do it.
I am utterly in love with another man but neither of us feel we can be together until my spouse dies. It is truly awful to admit - but I spend a lot of time willing my spouse to die so that I can start living again. Everyone who sees him says that were he an animal - he would have been shown the kindness of euthanasia. In spite of what he has done to me, I want him to be shown this kindness - because he has no life. I visit all the time and take an active role in tasks such as feeding and ensuring that he drinks - so I have not turned my back on him.
Perhaps I should one day write the book that no one has dared write - the story of a sham marriage where the death of the aggressor brings only joy and peace, not the terrible desolation that I have read about in so many of the forum postings.
Myth, it’s must have been very hard for you to write your post and please be assured that we do understand. The diagnosis of your husbands aliments must have been devastating and now see him in such a dreadful condition, heartbreaking no matter your own personal emotions. Euthanasia is still looked up as something that the people in power do not like no matter what state the human body is in and the pain it is causing. Palliative care, when carried out properly can be excellent and one thing the staff Sue Ryder hospices are excellent at providing. I do hope that things work out and what you wish occurs.
The other part of your post, I know a lady who was in the same kind of position and now lives with her friend near the sea and is enjoying her new life, so one never knows what life have in store. Wishing you peaceful blessings. S xx
Mysh, that’s still something that amazes me how humans are forced to suffer yet an animal gets put down… Stuck in bed doing nothing but get sores and live on drugs is absolutely pointless existence… And yes your wasting your life for what… It ain’t like your improving his…
Certainly don’t envy you… And although I’m lost without my wife I certainly wouldn’t want her back if she was in his situation…
Hi Susie,
I do realise that euthanasia is not possible. It is an irony that the new facility is so good that he is still eating and likely to live for several more months. He has no quality of life because he lies there almost comatose - stripped of all dignity, not the active man that he was three short years ago. In my view, such care is well-meaning but it nevertheless amounts to warehousing and endless agony for those who feel obliged to visit.
Again - quite ironically for me it is a blessing that he cannot move, because when he was mobile I always felt afraid of what he might do either to me or himself next.
All the best, Mysh
Thank you Lostinlimbo. And Limbo is what I live in too. All his old pals visited recently and to a man - they said that a dog wouldn’t be allowed to suffer like that. Of course let’s be honest - his predicament is allowing the home to make a small fortune for each and every week that he remains alive.
Best regards,
Mysh
Mysh, the amount of money he must get spent on him, the drugs, nurses, machinery… It is crazy the money wasted on people… And let’s be honest it is wasted… I can see from what you typed that the guy has any form of happiness… Being fed not being able to go a loo for yourself, being washed, losing yourself… And just being spaced out on drugs to limit the pain… How long before he doesn’t even know who the people are that visit… It is… Noble maybe the word I dunno… What you do for him and the time you spend with him… Not sure I would in your place… Sure if you absolutely loved the person there’s nothing you wouldn’t do… But the loving relationship for you guys ended a while ago…
Well best of luck to you with however you go forward in life… You take care
Lee x
Thanks Lee - you are spot on - a crazy waste of resources. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on and certainly doesn’t know me any more ( and no longer speaks).
I only go in for two reasons: the first is to try and redeem the guilt that I feel ( which I probably shouldn’t feel) for loving someone else. The second reason is that when the end comes, I will know that I tried very, very hard to help - when many others would have left him to it.
X Mysh
Hi Mysh, My father is mentally competent but physically very frail. Bed bound from a stroke, he can’t talk, nil by mouth, peg-fed (tube directly into his stomach) barely awake because of the strong pain-killers and every day I wish he would die. He was a great foodie, raconteur and every little thing he enjoyed, has been taken away from him. The poor bugger is just existing!
I found my husband aged 60 dead in bed 14 months ago and I wished it had been my father.
Mrs V, it is brave of you to admit it. All the care home staff seem to say what they think you want to hear like: " Don’t worry he might have a year left" when all I wish is for him to go to sleep and not wake up.
I am so very sorry that you lost your husband. Personally, I fear that my new love will die before my spouse because he has quite a few serious illnesses - and every day without seeing him feels almost too much to bear.
X
Carpe Diem Mysh! I do sympathise with your situation and I would say you’ve done the very best for your husband so now you should spend what time is left, be it short or long doing the things that make you happy. God knows nobody would judge you!
My father hasn’t been the best, certainly an absent grandfather and while he was living at home, I travelled down every Thursday after work (90 miles by train as I don’t drive), stayed overnight to clean etc much to my husband’s annoyance. Now he’s in a home, I see him a lot less and I have no regrets
Mrs-V
You should have no regrets. You are correct about seizing the day - and most of my sane and rational relatives and friends heartily agree. Unfortunately for me, I have two interfering daughters-in-law who do nothing but judge - not just me - but everything and everyone!
I tried to be honest from the start because I never wanted to lie to my adult kids - but my honesty has caused me nothing but grief.
X Mysh
Interesting you should mention that! One doesn’t go at all ( hasn’t ever) and the other one tries to tell the nursing home staff how to do their jobs (Daddy’s a doctor).
X