It has been a little while since I posted and I thought I would update on how I am feeling.
It still hurts. Yesterday I had a recurrence of my kidney stones. Anyone will tell you who has had them they are very painful. On top of that I have peripheral neuropathy, basically hands, feet and toes hurt like *&^^% painkillers hardly touch it. I sat on the sofa and cried with the pain and the loneliness of it Because a sweating fever came with it I should really have gone into hospital because it is dangerous. If I had contacted the GP I know he would have sent me in. but I have a really old dog and no one to take her in. I do not want to send her into kennels as that would stress her out. So I kept taking painkillers eventually I fell asleep. When I woke the gallons of water I had drunk took effect and flushed out the kidneys. Feeling much better.
Anyway two things have made me feel better. Two contributions from fellow posters on this site. God waited till you had gone to take me as he knew if you were there you would not let me go.
That is so true. I recently found a photo of Jackie not long before she had died. This time I really looked at the photo. She had aged 20 years in a few weeks. She looked her age if not older. Before this she took great care of herself and no one ever believed her when she told them how old she was. The sheer pain, medication and effort to do the smallest of things had all taken there toll. I now think it was her time.
I also spoke to a friend of mine who had lost her husband. While she was out he fell off a ladder in their kitchen. She could not bear going home to the house where he had died. So she sold it. My wife would have died in the living room. Would I have felt the same?
Its the most stupid of things that still get me. Yesterday I made the bed but put the quilt at the bottom of the bed I folded back onto the bed so my wifes wheel chair would not catch it as she went passed. Habit.
Shopping. I keep doing this. I see something Jackie would like and put it in the trolley. Someone tells me something or I see something of interestā¦ must tell Jackie. Then my heart falls when I remember. I tell her anyway but its that sudden flip backwards that gets me and hurts everytime.
Hi I know exactly what you mean. That part of your life that was so familiar and now gone.
I came in today and could picture my husband laying on the sofa, which he had done over the last few years. The pain was so great as the loss hit me afresh .His dear head no longer resting on a cushion
He had diabetes & kidney failure and suffered from peripheral pain in hands and feet. He cried too. It was especially bad at night.
There are special drugs for the condition which helped ,so have a word with your doctor if your medication is not relieving the pain.
So glad you flushed your kidneys out . The pain is likened to child birth. You were very brave.
Take heart ,those set backs when a wave of grief hits us,apparently get easier to manage as time goes on.
I only lost my husband 4 months ago today.
Itās still very difficult and painful emotionally so you are not alone.
I hope your health improves and the pain lessens.
Will pray for you. Annt
Another one of those anniversaries has passed. Jackie my wife died at 9.20 pm on 3rd November 2020. I left to go home as hospice visiting ended at 6pm.
Self torture. I woke in the morning thinking four months ago you were still alive sweet heart. Lunchtime came 12.07 we had just entered the hospice. I watched the clock all day because I knew what I was doing and where I was the entire day. 14.10 managed to get her to eat and drink something. 18.00 she asked me not to go home as she was so cold and so afraid. I half heartedly asked if I could stay. Was relieved when the nurse said no. It was not allowed. I was so so tired. Cannot remember when I last had a good sleep. The 20 min journey took me a long long time. I also called at the shop to buy her some food/drink she might like to take into her. Do not know what time I arrived home. Fed the dog and said sod the rest and fell into bed. My hand reached the light switch. Clicked it off. Even before the light left my eyes the phone went. Still with the fingers on the switch I put it back on again. Can I come in? She is not breathing right. Had this so many many times in the past. She just needed help and a cuddle. That was 8.55pm. I got up. Dressed. Fumbled around for some things she said she would want for the next day. Sod it. Will sort that out when I get back. Grabbed a can of coke out of the fridge hoping it would wake me a little.
Just after 9.06 pm back in car heading for the hospice. 9.12pm dropped can as I drove along. Stopped picked it up off the floor. Will mop up spill later. 9.20pm arrived at hospice car park. Two nurses waiting to meet meā¦ Sorry Frank. Jackie died a few minutes ago. If only I had not stopped. Not tried to find her things. Drove faster. Stayed when she had asked and not been so selfish and just thinking of myself. Because of all these things she died alone without me. I will NEVER forgive myelf. Now its five months ago she was alive and at home. Only five months. God I wish I had a time machine.
Just when I think I am coping someone says something. Yesterday someone said to me āI hear you have had some bad luck with your wifeā He is a nice bloke and he meant it in a nice way but what a *&&&^ stupid and thoughtless thing to say. Bad luck???
I felt like you, finding it hard to forgive myself for things I did or didnāt do on the day David passed away.
You are obviously a very caring person and the 'what ifs ā
Plague us.
Counselling has helped me to understand how exhausting it has been as a carer and I was on āred alertā because of his conditions for years sadly.
You were not being selfish. Carers are told to use the principle of the oxygen mask on a plane. Put yours on first before helping the person next to you.
Like me ,we never knew when the end would be. So many false alarms . You were not to know.
Many people are not with their loved ones when they pass away so try not to beat yourself up. We all have regrets and yes a time machine would be great!
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but we make the decision at the time that we think is right.
I believe our loved ones would not want us to carry guilt for the rest of our lives. Quite the opposite
You did your best in a very difficult situation.
As for the man who used those rather awful words. I believe we have to forgive them and I have had several to forgive !
because people dont know what to say and handle it clumsily.
They do not realise the devastating effect their words have on us. You say he is a nice person, but he just chose his words carelessly sadly.
The bereaved are better placed in the future to draw on their own experiences and find better ways of expressing themselves to help others in mourning.
Take care,
Ann t
Dear Frank2, I took the time to read your post ā I am retired, widowed, and no place else to go or do. I am so sorry that you endured these setbacks and finally had to give up your loved one.
You know I feel guilt as well . My wife was very active she worked as an aide on weekend nights - wanted to be part of her grandchildren ā lives. The weekend was very busy - a birth party had taken place and yet in spite of that she was a good person and went and did all that was needed. to keep everyone happy (I didnāt include all the details but she was one who didnāt want to let anyone down). After a tireless weekend, we went visiting - she had been working
the previous night, went to celebrate her daughterās birthday, visiting friends on the following Monday - then getting ready for the Thanksgiving get together (which she was a participant in making it a success). The following Tuesday morning, she wanted to buy a new coat as the zipper on her coat was broken. She didnāt find the coat and I knew she was exhausted - made me a bowl of soup and sat on the couch ā she complained of heartburn and indigestion (as I look back on it, it should have been a red flag). She said she would be OK, and told me not to worry. At about 7:15 PM she collapsed on the couch - I knew something was wrong. I called the paramedics - they arrived within 10 minutes and did the CPR then put her in the amubulance. (she was in there for almost 20 minutes - then took her to the hospital . When I got there - the doctor, a chaplain, 2 nurse gave the news that husband should ever want to hearā she died, there was nothing they could do. I collapsed on the floor crying like a baby.
I went home alone that night with 2 friends. How I regret that I couldnāt help her or get her help. My life us not the same anymore - my lovely wife is no longer with me. I do everything for myself now - I feel a deep sense of loss now - Iām not the same person I once was. My friends and family do not understand the toll it has taken on me ā itās been almost 16 months and yet I still grieve and regret my inaction. I should have known better. Frank, I just wanted to share this experience with you - because I see that you too are in the same place I am.
I have sympathy and compassion for you. Please remember - you are not alone I also grieve with you. Yes, it does not need to be said, I Miss My Wife! I share your loss. Wish I could say something to help you but thatās all I can offer right now. Please take care!
Herb
Herb. I too am so sorry for your loss. It seems that everyone who suffers a loss has a āwhat ifsā and āif onlyā the worst bit is that I knew if Jackie died I would suffer from those afflictions. So we went everywhere she wanted. Did anything she wanted. No matter the cost. Yet despite all this I still let her down in the end.
Your lucky as you had friends with you and you have family.
I went to a good friends house yesterday. Told him about the doctor saying my very high blood pressure was due to my grieving over my wife. My friend say āthatās silly. Its been four months now your over itā Obviously he has good intentions but āgetting over itā in four months? I doubt I will be āOver itā in four years let alone four months. Just hope he never finds out that is not true for himself.
It must have been quite a shock for you your beautiful wife dying like that so close to you. Will not waste time with the usual āyou could not have knownā" etc despite how true that is it will not help.
We can only live one day at a time now. Live with these terrible emotions. Breaking down hearing her favourite songs or silly things like seeing these she used to like in shops.
I cannot speak for you but I do not know how I keep going. I too had a very bad pain in my chest the other day. Indigestion, heart burn? Who knows. But it would not have bothered me if it was a heart attack. In some ways I was hoping it was. No matter if it was. I could have either have joined her or ended this pain we feel.
So thank you for your empathy. We shall just have to keep going. At least you know someone out there is feeling for you. I honestly wish I could help. These writings do help me. I can express how I feel out loud. I have no one else to ātalk toā so to speak. No councillors. No family. Never in my life did I think I could be so alone. But having virtual friends does help.
Thank you so much Frank, Those were wise words - no doubt coming from the heart. Iām glad to know that you are out there understanding my loss. Yes, I was told to get over it (itās been 15 months and I still grieved for her). I too, wish I could join her. I donāt want to sound negative, but each day here for me is an enduring process. When I think back on it, I wish I was the one who died instead of her - she was such gentle person (she didnāt deserve to die). She was 5 years younger than me and always trying make everybody happy, even at her own expense. I told her one night that I didnāt deserve her - she retorted back āYes you do!ā When I think back on that, it literally breaks my heart to know she felt that way. I believe to this day, I am broken hearted, she was everything to me as well. Like you, I live each day one day at a time - I do mange to care for myself, but now and then I get moments where I am grieving for her big time, crying and tearing up when I see her items lying around - her artwork that she didnāt get to finish. (Iām sure you know that feeling as well). I know we had different experiences in our losses, but Iām glad you wrote back ā as I read your post, it reminded me
of myself - I felt your experience touched my heart.
I come on this site and take time to read the heartbreaking stories others have posted. It makes me realize that life is precious - and we seem to have a short time to really get to know those we love. Now, I have family and a few friends, but I notice they donāt want to understand my grief - one person mentioned that itās time to get over over it (I liked your answer on that).
I donāt really enjoy get togethers that much any more - especially the ones where hours go by. My life has changed and mostly I have changed too, Iād sure family and friends are realizing that. I donāt feel the same way I used to. Yes, I too, wish I could confide my sorrow and grief with a person to person discussion or talk. Anyway, I am glad to have written to you and hearing from you. I just wanted to reach out and say hello and let you know that I can identify with you. (Hope to hear from you again). Take care!
Herb
I had a bad fall in March, Fell onto a sloping concrete path in my garden. Spent a few weeks in hospital in March. Got out in April. Managed to fall again and could not get up. Long story short been in hospital and recovery in a community hospital ever since. Got out last week. Still in a LOT of pain though as it was bundles of nerves damaged rather than bones.
Constantly in pain 24/7 varying from agony to a deep throbbing pain. Despite Morphine etc it feels unrelenting. Cant sleep, Hence this reply at 2.15am! God knows what I would have done if my dearest Jackie had still been alive. Cannot look after myself let alone her 24/7.
Being in hospital was enlightening. One patient needed the same care as her, perhaps a bit less. Took two nurses. How did I cope?
With this constant pain. Lack of sleep. I have seriously contemplated suicide. Each week I tell myself it will be better next week. Better once I get back home. But it isnāt. Right now my back is killing me. My whole leg feels like its on fire. My skin I cannot to bare to touch it. I walk around in the mornings, luckily no one can see, without my trousers on. They rub against my leg.
I so want a two way talk with my wife. I need her to tell me its going to be ok. All I can do is cry in frustration and pain. Just when you think it cannot get any worse ā¦ it does.
it sounds really difficult Frank. I hope you donāt give up but it sounds really really difficult. . Sorry Iāve nothing useful to say but I was also awake at 2.15 and your post somehow comforted me. Thanks and I hope this will get less agony for you somehow.
I am so sorry for how you are having to cope with such pain. Have you been referred to the pain clinic? If not, ask your GP if you can be. They should be able to get some relief for you. I know what you mean about a two way conversation with your soul mate - that would make all the difference wouldnāt it? Itās what a long for. Remember there is support here and you can sign up for counselling here or with Cruse. You are not alone - we do understand.
Thank you for all the replies. I do not feel my GP takes it seriously. Asked about the pain clinic and he said he wanted a nerve conduction test first. That may take some weeks. My problem is i am so independent. Given up on the medical side.
I tried calling the Samaritans. Let it ring for five minutes and gave up.
The pain is back. Taken more morphine. Takes 2 to 3 hours to take full effect. So in the meantime I lay here in agony. The good thing about the forum is no one can say you are being over dramatic because there is no point. I gain nothing from it.
hello Frank. Just read your latest post in this thread. I am not good right now after a relatively good day. I only need my husband but heās not there. He would be if he could I know but heās not.
I canāt say anything to comfort you because there is nothing but just wanted to say I read your post and wonder how you are today.
Thanks for your reply. I apologize if I caused anyone concern. Anyone who has experience of the physical pain I have been subjected to will tell you thereās no escaping it. No matter what pain killers you have it can really drag you down. You start to count the minutes till the next dose as it wears off. Coupled with the fact you are all alone missing your loved ones does not help.
Yesterday I saw something and thought I had better video this Jackie would love to see it. Looked through some plants and automatically picked her favorite ones. My life in a lot of ways is much easier now
But in others itās much harder.
Thanks for being there. Hope one day I can be there for you.
Hello Frank, no need to apologise and yes I know how dark and all consuming physical pain can be when itās bad. Times like that we need our partners even more and it makes it feel worse again.
Wishing you some better hours today somehowā¦ we keep tryingā¦ itās really difficult often though.
I also often pick the food my husband would have or yes plants too. Anything to feel closer to him even slightly.
Take care.