My wife has been seriously ill almost all of her life but more so in the last year more so.
Started off she went off her food and could not get out of bed too weak. Last food or water she really drank was on a wednesday. By Sunday I had had enough. Its her body but I was really concerned. Tried the NHS help line and that was a nightmare. Finally at 6.30pm on Sunday I got through. Lots of faffing about later the Doctor arrived at 9am on the Monday. She did not want to go into hospital but eventually persuaded her. Within 2 days she was on a non invasive ventilatior. Full oxygen. In intensive care. This was in March. Because of CV19 I was not allowed to visit her. By May still on the ventilator. Called in to say my goodbyes as they thought she was dying. As I was allowed in I could feed her and look after her. She rallied round. Much better. Three more times I was called in to say goodbye. Three times I looked after her how she should have been looked after. The final time was in May. Even her consultant in London rang and told me āthis was itā. Again I went in. Again I pulled her back from the brink. Got her breathing right and conscious. Took me three days constantly at her side but I did it. She was actually sitting up and talking. I promised her during one of the long night sessions that if she breathed better I would buy her the biggest cappuccino I could buy. She would see her horse and dog again. I kept my promise. I disrobed from all the PPE and went and got her that drink. When I left she was happily sipping on the coffee. Next morning freshly gowned up a new sister on the ward asked who I was. Told her. Asked how my wife was. Great. She has been sitting up having a nice cup of coffee. This cheered me up no end. I went in expecting great things. She was in floods of tears. No one had been near all night. She wanted a bedpan but her presses on the buzzer had gone unheeded. She takes great pride in her appearance and cleanliness but she had made a real mess in the bed and had been sitting in it for hours. Of course the &^% sister did choose that very time to waltz in. āMorning, how are thingsā. Must admit I was very restrained. Did call her a liar though. At change of shift the new sister called me over. Sorry but as your wife is not dying you cannot come in any longer. Thought this might happen. My wife and I had had a long chat. We both decided that hospital is no place for sick people. She wanted to come home and I wanted her to come home. Thats what we told them. Got the chat about not surviving long. May not even make it home on the ambulance. If she did she would last no longer than 2 days.
She made it home. As promised I got her in her wheelchair and up to see her horse. We had dinner with friends. She was in a bed in our living room where she could look through the patio doors to the garden I had planted out for her. The dog was given its own bed at the foot of hers. I was never more than a few seconds away if she needed anything. Carers came in twice a day morning and night to help. Had a couple of close shaves and again the wrote her off but she bounce back. Then at the end of October she was off her food again and her oxygen levels were low. She refused to go into hospital. We compromised. The district nurse got her a place in a local hospice so she could have her oxygen and a saline drip. I could visit too. A real bonus. Went with her to settle her in, was not supposed to but went anyway. Got myself home and was awoke next morning early. Her breathing is bad can you come in quick. In I went. Got her conscious and breathing right. By lunchtime she was sitting up and eating. Come 6pm end of visiting. She held my hand and asked that I did not go. She was cold and afraid. I asked, half heartedly, if I could but to be honest I was knackered. It would have been so easy to sleep in the chair by her bed. They said no but promised they would keep an eye on her. I drove home slowly. Very tired.
I fed the poor dog, has people coming in to her, fumbled about the place not really knowing what I was doing. Climbed into bed. My hand switched the light off. The phone rang as soon as it got dark.
Can I come in? She is not breathing right again. I drove slowly to the hospice. Could have driven faster but to be honest I was tired and did not want to have an accident. Even tried drinking a can of coke on the way there hoping the caffeine would wake me a little.
I drove into the car park. Two nurses were waiting for me. Sorry she died 10 mins ago.
Ohhh god I will never forgive myself. I should have stayed with her. I feel so so guilty. So selfish for wanting to sleep at home when I should have insisted on sleep in the chair by her bed.
I say sorry to her every day. I cry all the time and am wracked with guilt.
Now my days are long and empty. No family. Friends dont come near because of covid. Do not see the point in doing anything anymore. On January 18th would have been married 46 years and the longest we have been apart is 3 days when she went into hospital for her treatment.
Do not feel like I will ever feel better. What do I do now? Basically I dont feel like going on anymore. Even if I did die tonight who would ever find my body?