Is there anyone like me out there who hates the idea of change all documents, insurance policies iam 3 months in and find the whole thing demoralising and final…if things are not bad enough coping and being devastated these things test you even more.
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Have you used the “tell us once” service? Takes 99% of the stress of repeating yourself again and again. I found it more traumatising than the funeral, felt like i was slowly wiping him away from existence. Sorry I’ve not been much help but I completely understand.
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You are so right its like an eraser to take someone away bit by bit, yes done the tell us once but that just goes so far you are v kind sorry for your loss.
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It is a tough process to go through, dealing with the “admin” of losing a loved one. My wife passed away in July last year. The undertaker made me aware of the “Tell Us Once” service which deals with all the civil service and governmental departments. It is good in the sense that you can do it online and don’t have to have the same very difficult and emotional conversation with lots of different people but it upset me to think of several bits of her life basically being deleted.
I did find that the vast majority of companies, banks, life insurance providers etc to be amazingly helpful and compassionate to deal with. There were a few exceptions but most were excellent. Without wanting to sound flippant, I genuinely felt that as a bereaved spouse you are extended a much higher level of customer service. I know that may seem like a trivial thing to mention but I genuinely appreciated how my enquiries and transactions were handled so quickly without any fuss. On more than one occasion I was told “We are so sorry for your loss, please allow us to take care of this, you do not need to take any further action.” A small gesture, perhaps, but very kind nonetheless and so greatly appreciated. It reduced me to tears on more than one occasion.
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Absolutely, I dealt with a lovely lady from my bank. She was so patient when I burst into tears and virtually held my hand through the process of what needed done. Kind of sad in another way that life seems to end up pieces of paper. Got his birth, our married and his death certificates now, wish they could be exchanged for a few more days.
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Yes indeed after a couple of months after the passing of someone you loved so much you just seem to own a handful of certificates & papers of their existence and photos become so important and memories are vital to get you through the day.
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Hello @Unhappydays . I too am three months in and yes I find it all so final. I am trying to make it easier by aiming to do one thing a day that is all. If I do more that’s good, but I am happy if I achieve that one thing. Most things have been ok, I just hate unnecessary bureaucracy and dealing with call centres. When I phoned to tell 02 and explained they asked ‘so he doesn’t need his contract then?’ Argghhhh. Generally most have been extremely helpful. Quite a few you can do online so you don’t need to even talk to anyone. Take care x
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Hi you made me smile as the one thing i haven’t stopped and rang to cancel is her O2 contract ,mad but i feel thats the very last link and could imagine a very similar call to an uncaring call centre i will do it one day and the idea is the same for me if i achieve one job a day tidying or visit someone it seems like a massive step these days.
@Unhappydays i was very grateful to ee they gave me his phone without charge and just cancelled his contract . He had only had it 5 months as well
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I found the gas and electric company to be the worst ie Shell I needed to change the account into my name it took 3 people to come and read metre loads of paper work and a whole lot of phoning only to discover it was still in my husbands name no apologies and very stressful finally it’s in my name why couldn’t they just have changed his initials to mine instead of making me have a new account 
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My experience ranged from receiving a delivery of a beautiful floral arrangement from one of our banks after I had gone to the local branch to change the account, to cancelling a cruise that was booked a year in advance and being told they wouldn’t refund the deposit but I could take someone else with me. I then had to send the death certificate in order for them to cancel it. It felt like I had to prove that he had died even though there was nothing to be gained from it. The company has since apologised and are about to refund it.
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From a purely practical point of view, I found that cancelling the mobile phone contract too soon was a mistake. It was one of the first tasks I did when I started dealing with all my wife’s accounts etc. I only did it first because a bill arrived shortly after she died and I literally had all the account details in my hand and thought I might as well start with this. By the way, Vodafone were excellent to deal with and so helpful. However, when I started working through all her other accounts I soon realised that one of the first things a company will do when you try to log in to their website is send you a security code to your mobile phone - which now no longer existed. Very frustrating and made a lot of things much harder than it might have been.
One of the companies who were dreadful to deal with were a travel insurance company who I had used to cover a cycling break I had planned for September. I can’t remember the company’s name but they are part of the Axa group. I was used to having to send the death certificate through to people by this time and accepted that this was a necessary part of the process. The way they dealt with it, though, was very cold and disinterested - as Mist2 says above, it is almost like they don’t believe you and are almost accusing you of using it as an excuse. There was an awful lot of medical questions that I felt were inappropriately detailed for a non-medical company. They did eventually refund the cost of the flights because, as a matter of principle, I wouldn’t let it lie even though it dragged on for several months.
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@Unhappydays - yes - 100%. I remember this only too well. It is hard, like erasing someone’s existence and identity, over and over again. Just recently I had to do it with Tom’s uber account. I have his handset with my sim, as my phone crashed. I wanted to use Uber, so opened the app and found his last journey there, King’s College Hospital to my flat in London. Horrid feeling. I had to delete his details, his payment card and replace it with mine.
It takes time to get through this - time, hurt, pain, bewilderment - the whole 9 yards. Hold tight, keep going - these admin changes can’t and won’t ever change the fact that you loved each other and always will x
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My husband died 7 months ago. I have kept his mobile phone number and e mail account as he was the main contact for us. I intend to keep them for at least a year to pick up things like insurance renewals. In fact he told me before he died not to cancel them too quickly.
It has proved the right thing if painful to look at e mails with his name on.
I also received a bunch of flowers from my bank.
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Hi , it’s over two years ago since my husband died ,and I still haven’t finished all his paperwork . The worst one was with our DR surgery, After telling some insurance company my husband had died ,they asked me to get InTouch with DR surgery and ask them to make sure they kept his medical records , incase they needed to see them . When I phoned DR and asked them not to get rid of his medical records , they said why would they , unless he was thinking of going to a different DR , I then had to tell them he had died, and they just said "oh ok then we will keep them m but they do get kept for X amount of time " And hung up . I was utterly devastated that they didn’t know he had died , they had been sending palliative care out to him . Just before he went into hospital . I really thought someone would phone me back , but they didn’t , The saying we are just a number comes to mind , all xtake carex
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Yes, tell me about it! Trying to grieve and deal with endless forms filling at the same time - horrible nightmare! All was finally sorted only last weeks, 9 months in today!
Please stay strong and try to take one day at a time.
Best wishes x
Hi @DWJ
I agree with you. Every company and firm I had to deal with after my husband died were amazing. And all of them so kind. I never knew , but it seems that every single one of these companies has a bereavement department. The staff working in them are obviously trained in how to help you. And I agree every one of them went out of their way to make it as easy as possible for me.
It genuinely restored my faith in human nature xx
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@Cathphil I know what you mean. I can tend to be quite a cynical old sod much of the time, but these little acts of compassion and kindness bowled me over. I found that, even with the automatic answering services - you know the ones where they say “please state in a few words the nature of your call” - that as soon as you say “bereavement”, the phone is answered immediately by a real person and your enquiry is taken care of with minimal fuss - most welcome.
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